No means NO!

I hope I'm posting in the right area! I just sort of need to get this out there I guess, and I wonder whether anyone else feels the same way...

I'm getting really tired of dealing with guys who will not take No for an answer! I have had this happen pretty-much all of my life, but in recent days it just seems to be getting worse. This isn't internet-related, either (we all know stalkers and weirdos seem to be easier to find on the 'net sometimes) - this is like, in real life, right in front of me!

I have recently found the man of my dreams and moved 1200 miles to be with him. He's moved in with me and we're slowly growing closer to each other. It's a dream come true for me, he's everything I could ever want! But lest I spend forever getting mushy about him (lol!)...the issue is that I feel like I can't just be happy with him! Guys seem ten times more competitive and weird about it! When did "I'm happily involved in a monogamous relationship" become a challenge??

Just to name very few instances: There's a guy with a news-related job (travels around the US a lot) who keeps making veiled halfway threats against my boyfriend, wanting to come up and see me on his way through and would likely travel 12+ hours off his job's route just to try and sweep me off my feet and be all stalkery. There's a guy from 2008 who's been stalking me forever, who popped up AGAIN recently. There's a guy I've known for about 7 years who sort of quietly broods over me, and you know, when I tried to pursue him a good year ago or so? He told me no, quite clearly. Now he regrets it, but only because I've found someone! ... My freaking boyfriend's friend is trying to steal me out from under him! And that's not to mention new guys seeming to pop up all the time everywhere I go.

I can't just, you know, TALK about things! It amazes me because I'm not saying anything suggestive, I'm not flirting, I'm not giggly, I'm not batting my eyelashes at anyone. I'm literally just sitting there socializing with the people around me, talking about random topics, chilling. I make it very clear that I am involved and not interested whatsoever! But guys somehow take my being involved as some kind of a challenge, and I swear I'm so tired of stalkers (and we're talking real life ones, too).

I can't just chill out with people. It has to become this big strut-fest for guys to show off how they're better than my boyfriend and I should totally get with them. I mean bf's friend will literally wait until he goes to work, call me up and try to get me to go to town with him while bf's gone; goes out of his way to put bf down, and WAY out of his way to flirt with me in poorly-veiled ways. Not to mention the veiled threats or weird behaviors toward my boyfriend, like guys always want to punch him in the face to show they have more testosterone or some ****!!

I really wish my boyfriend and I could just be happy together. I don't want him to have to guard me or something or feel like if he looks away for five minutes some guy will be trying to weasel his way into my heart and/or my pants. I'd like to just be happily monogamous. But it seems like such a stupidly hard thing to do! I'm so happy with him, I want to spend the rest of my days with this guy - and I'm tired of people trying to mess with that. It's really stressful for both of us. What am I supposed to do, just go around punching guys in the face who flirt with me? (I'm halfway tempted to at times!!) I swear sometimes I think even then they'd say "Ooh, punch me harder"! It makes me so angry! No is never enough. I've become just an object in some weird competition I guess, the rope in a tug of war I didn't volunteer for. Nothing I do seems to help. And I feel like if I spent my whole time beating off these guys with a baseball bat, it still wouldn't help. I am drowning in the attention that I can't say enough, I DO NOT WANT!

"No" does not mean yes! "No" does not mean try harder. "No" does not mean buy me chocolate and do stuff for me and I'll stupidly change my mind. "No" does not mean, not right now but maybe later. "No" means just that - NO! Why is this so hard to understand for guys???

Does anyone else ever have this problem?? Any advice at all?? What am I supposed to do?

[Squatchit]

Something I heard once and loved it.

"What part about NO do you not understand? The 'N' or the 'O'?

[Uma]

Trouble in paradise Heptasteros? Or is your intuition trying to tell you something - that the man of your dreams isn't turning out to be what you'd hoped for? Or is there something in you that you need to change? The road to hell in a relationship starts when we ignore our gut feelings....years later it becomes a life we're willing to put up with, normal, and we have sacrificed parts of our soul that we hadn't intended to.

One of the classic devices we use, of many endlessly creative ones, when we don’t want a real relationship is to obsess about someone unavailable. These guys who are pursuing you from afar may be doing this.

The guy who broods over you, yet that you actively pursued, only to be rejected by him, w/ him now regretting it shows that this situation was clearly a 2-way street. The others who are having stalker like behavior can be usually dealt w/ by ignoring them.

You can tell the boyfriend’s friend who calls you when your partner goes to work that if he doesn’t cut it out IMMEDIATELY & EVER calls you again you will promptly tell your partner. Don’t continue any conversation w/ him after you deliver this ultimatum, just be very matter of fact. Then follow through w/ telling your partner if he calls again. If he calls again tell him bluntly that you told him to never call again, then hang up & follow through w/ telling your partner. How many times has this occurred w/o your taking definitive action to reveal his actions? If you tell him you’re not interested, but continue to chit chat w/ him this is encouraging him. Your actions need to be very clear. This isn’t rude, but showing that you mean business about an unwanted proposition.

Answering machines are very inexpensive & can be worth their weight in gold if one has an unwanted stalker. Have your boyfriend record the message, noting both of your names, or the phone number, then screen calls. If the stalker types try to contact you & leave a message, delete it & ignore the call. If they show up tell them to leave, then don’t have any more conversation, & close the door. If they don’t leave call the cops. If you have a peephole or any way to look out at who is at the door, don’t open the door & just tell them to leave or ignore them even if it is obvious that someone came to the front door. Peepholes are cheap, available at all home improvement stores, & easy to install.

You seem to be in a powerless victim role here as noted by the comment, ‘I've become just an object in some weird competition I guess, the rope in a tug of war I didn't volunteer for.’ This isn’t a healthy perspective for you.

The real issue in this post is not the guys that are obsessed w/ you, but your revealing that you feel ‘like I can't just be happy with him,’ the boyfriend of your dreams. What is it that is impeding this happiness? This is the real thing to consider. Others can’t really disrupt your happiness w/ the boyfriend. They can only be a nuisance. If they do disrupt your finding happiness w/ your boyfriend, you’re giving them considerable power.

There is a mixed message in this post that you are totally happy w/ the boyfriend, yet can’t be happy w/ him. If this same type of mixed message is going out to these guys this could be part of the problem.

Whatever you do, don’t think that marriage will rectify this problem w/ not being completely happy w/ the boyfriend. I know you didn’t mention this, but it is worth bringing up as people often think this will improve a lacking relationship. Never does. Uma is Spot On that many have regretted not listening to their gut feelings. Even if you moved 1200 miles to be w/ Mr. Right, if this isn’t panning out be honest w/ your self & him. Don’t you both deserve a partner who is fully committed to the relationship?

Originally Posted by Uma

Trouble in paradise Heptasteros? Or is your intuition trying to tell you something - that the man of your dreams isn't turning out to be what you'd hoped for? Or is there something in you that you need to change? The road to hell in a relationship starts when we ignore our gut feelings....years later it becomes a life we're willing to put up with, normal, and we have sacrificed parts of our soul that we hadn't intended to.

I'm absolutely happy with BF - whom I will call Bob here forward because it's easy that way. I'm not worried about him in this situation - I'm just exhausted dealing with those who seem all too happy to try and rip us apart, mess with us, or steal me away.

Bob and I are very much partners in crime; we both understand each other, we get each other, and a lot of times we'll kind of look at each other and just snicker when life gets crazy. When the car breaks down and the bills stack up and it's raining and the roof is leaky - we may argue like normal couples do, but we always end up grinning wide and taking life on together, deciding to make it an adventure in the end. We're not perfect, but we try to crack jokes and be strong.

People hate it when we team up, decide to see the humorous side of life, and push forward through life. And I mean they HATE it! That, or they get weird and jealous. They see big grins on our faces as we put on our game faces, kiss each other on the cheek and charge forward, and they seriously cannot stand it - the change in their expression is painfully visible, I've seen it so many times. That's my only objection - people need to lighten up, and they need to stop trying to steal me or him away. It's childish. And while it was something we could shake our heads at at first? It gets really old, really fast.

Life's full of people compatible with each other - this world is too big for people to mope around and stalk and envy when they could go find someone for themselves. Bob and I are a couple of total oddball misfits and we found each other, what in the world does that say for everyone else?

Originally Posted by mattie

You can tell the boyfriend’s friend who calls you when your partner goes to work that if he doesn’t cut it out IMMEDIATELY & EVER calls you again you will promptly tell your partner. Don’t continue any conversation w/ him after you deliver this ultimatum, just be very matter of fact. Then follow through w/ telling your partner if he calls again. If he calls again tell him bluntly that you told him to never call again, then hang up & follow through w/ telling your partner. How many times has this occurred w/o your taking definitive action to reveal his actions? If you tell him you’re not interested, but continue to chit chat w/ him this is encouraging him. Your actions need to be very clear. This isn’t rude, but showing that you mean business about an unwanted proposition.

Answering machines are very inexpensive & can be worth their weight in gold if one has an unwanted stalker. Have your boyfriend record the message, noting both of your names, or the phone number, then screen calls. If the stalker types try to contact you & leave a message, delete it & ignore the call. If they show up tell them to leave, then don’t have any more conversation, & close the door. If they don’t leave call the cops. If you have a peephole or any way to look out at who is at the door, don’t open the door & just tell them to leave or ignore them even if it is obvious that someone came to the front door. Peepholes are cheap, available at all home improvement stores, & easy to install.

You seem to be in a powerless victim role here as noted by the comment, ‘I've become just an object in some weird competition I guess, the rope in a tug of war I didn't volunteer for.’ This isn’t a healthy perspective for you.

The real issue in this post is not the guys that are obsessed w/ you, but your revealing that you feel ‘like I can't just be happy with him,’ the boyfriend of your dreams. What is it that is impeding this happiness? This is the real thing to consider. Others can’t really disrupt your happiness w/ the boyfriend. They can only be a nuisance. If they do disrupt your finding happiness w/ your boyfriend, you’re giving them considerable power.

There is a mixed message in this post that you are totally happy w/ the boyfriend, yet can’t be happy w/ him. If this same type of mixed message is going out to these guys this could be part of the problem.

Whatever you do, don’t think that marriage will rectify this problem w/ not being completely happy w/ the boyfriend. I know you didn’t mention this, but it is worth bringing up as people often think this will improve a lacking relationship. Never does. Uma is Spot On that many have regretted not listening to their gut feelings. Even if you moved 1200 miles to be w/ Mr. Right, if this isn’t panning out be honest w/ your self & him. Don’t you both deserve a partner who is fully committed to the relationship?

As said above, I'm very happy with Bob! I have absolutely no objection with my relationship with him - all the issues we have we communicate about, sometimes argue about, but always solve together. We are committed to be with each other, and we've been doing that very well overall.

It is more that the tide of weird, envious, rude or clingy people has gotten exhausting to deal with! I'm not a victim. I'm a strong woman, I've been through hell and back and I tell ya what, if I need to I will gladly punch every one of these guys square in the nose if that's what it took to hold on to this relationship with the love of my life. Quite frankly it just gets to be a hassle. I feel like if Bob and I went around beating off these people with sticks and calling the cops and meticulously recording every single time it happened - it would just be utterly insane.

Generally speaking, I will first make it very clear I am NOT interested. If they continue, I will then begin to cut off contact with them - if they're on the internet, I block them. From there, well, then come the measures you mentioned... We have taken those exact steps.

It's just getting old. That's all.

Originally Posted by Squatchit

Something I heard once and loved it.

"What part about NO do you not understand? The 'N' or the 'O'?

LOL! So true, so true.

A lot of people in America assume that someone will cheat on their partner, no matter what the person says. Some can't get it through their head that there are people who will actually be faithful to their partners. Unfortunately it's partly because so many in this country do cheat on their partners. Hearing 'I'm in a relationship' won't convince them that you are not available. It's disrespectful of them, but that's the way a lot of people see things.

I would recommend telling them something that sends the message of 'I don't want you. You in particular don't stand a chance with me whether I'm single or not. You, personally, are not appealing to me at all.' It's harsh, but since they are interfering with your life in a way that stresses out both you and your partner and is putting stress on the relationship it could be worth it to really put your foot down and get the point across that you are not telling them maybe when you say you are committed to someone else. They're already shown that they don't respect your decision to stay committed. Maybe they can understand the language of 'you have been disrespecting me so you're not worthy of me whether I'm dating someone else or not. I would never want to be with you.'

Originally Posted by arive nan

A lot of people in America assume that someone will cheat on their partner, no matter what the person says. Some can't get it through their head that there are people who will actually be faithful to their partners. Unfortunately it's partly because so many in this country do cheat on their partners. Hearing 'I'm in a relationship' won't convince them that you are not available. It's disrespectful of them, but that's the way a lot of people see things.

I would recommend telling them something that sends the message of 'I don't want you. You in particular don't stand a chance with me whether I'm single or not. You, personally, are not appealing to me at all.' It's harsh, but since they are interfering with your life in a way that stresses out both you and your partner and is putting stress on the relationship it could be worth it to really put your foot down and get the point across that you are not telling them maybe when you say you are committed to someone else. They're already shown that they don't respect your decision to stay committed. Maybe they can understand the language of 'you have been disrespecting me so you're not worthy of me whether I'm dating someone else or not. I would never want to be with you.'

So true! It is very disrespectful, and I think you're right. It does seem like people can't be convinced that, no, really, I am committed and have no interest in cheating or changing my mind.

Sounds like great advice - rather than saying "I'm involved" I could try more often to change my tune like you described. Thanks!

I had to deal with this from guys a number of times. It is up to you to really put your foot down and tell them that not only are they disrespecting your man, but they are disrespecting you.

I tell em they do not stand a chance, i crack jokes at them about their come ons, saying stuff like "Yes buddy, and then you wake up." or I tell them they would not stand a chance. You have to make yourself seem as intimidating and unavailable as possible in your personality. These guys are NO good!
I know your pain, I had a guy spit at my ex boyfriend when I walked away once out of jealousy. Men act completely retarded sometimes and is repulsive. And what gets e s even though I am a svelte blond girl, I am covered in big,scary tattoos all over but if anything they use my tattoos as an excuse to talk to me.

You can be happy with your man, just don't give this issue too much power and give them fools the brush off. This type of attention means you are good on the eyes but it comes with a price!

Originally Posted by Heptasteros

I hope I'm posting in the right area! I just sort of need to get this out there I guess, and I wonder whether anyone else feels the same way...

I'm getting really tired of dealing with guys who will not take No for an answer! I have had this happen pretty-much all of my life, but in recent days it just seems to be getting worse. This isn't internet-related, either (we all know stalkers and weirdos seem to be easier to find on the 'net sometimes) - this is like, in real life, right in front of me!

I have recently found the man of my dreams and moved 1200 miles to be with him. He's moved in with me and we're slowly growing closer to each other. It's a dream come true for me, he's everything I could ever want! But lest I spend forever getting mushy about him (lol!)...the issue is that I feel like I can't just be happy with him! Guys seem ten times more competitive and weird about it! When did "I'm happily involved in a monogamous relationship" become a challenge??

Just to name very few instances: There's a guy with a news-related job (travels around the US a lot) who keeps making veiled halfway threats against my boyfriend, wanting to come up and see me on his way through and would likely travel 12+ hours off his job's route just to try and sweep me off my feet and be all stalkery. There's a guy from 2008 who's been stalking me forever, who popped up AGAIN recently. There's a guy I've known for about 7 years who sort of quietly broods over me, and you know, when I tried to pursue him a good year ago or so? He told me no, quite clearly. Now he regrets it, but only because I've found someone! ... My freaking boyfriend's friend is trying to steal me out from under him! And that's not to mention new guys seeming to pop up all the time everywhere I go.

I can't just, you know, TALK about things! It amazes me because I'm not saying anything suggestive, I'm not flirting, I'm not giggly, I'm not batting my eyelashes at anyone. I'm literally just sitting there socializing with the people around me, talking about random topics, chilling. I make it very clear that I am involved and not interested whatsoever! But guys somehow take my being involved as some kind of a challenge, and I swear I'm so tired of stalkers (and we're talking real life ones, too).

I can't just chill out with people. It has to become this big strut-fest for guys to show off how they're better than my boyfriend and I should totally get with them. I mean bf's friend will literally wait until he goes to work, call me up and try to get me to go to town with him while bf's gone; goes out of his way to put bf down, and WAY out of his way to flirt with me in poorly-veiled ways. Not to mention the veiled threats or weird behaviors toward my boyfriend, like guys always want to punch him in the face to show they have more testosterone or some ****!!

I really wish my boyfriend and I could just be happy together. I don't want him to have to guard me or something or feel like if he looks away for five minutes some guy will be trying to weasel his way into my heart and/or my pants. I'd like to just be happily monogamous. But it seems like such a stupidly hard thing to do! I'm so happy with him, I want to spend the rest of my days with this guy - and I'm tired of people trying to mess with that. It's really stressful for both of us. What am I supposed to do, just go around punching guys in the face who flirt with me? (I'm halfway tempted to at times!!) I swear sometimes I think even then they'd say "Ooh, punch me harder"! It makes me so angry! No is never enough. I've become just an object in some weird competition I guess, the rope in a tug of war I didn't volunteer for. Nothing I do seems to help. And I feel like if I spent my whole time beating off these guys with a baseball bat, it still wouldn't help. I am drowning in the attention that I can't say enough, I DO NOT WANT!

"No" does not mean yes! "No" does not mean try harder. "No" does not mean buy me chocolate and do stuff for me and I'll stupidly change my mind. "No" does not mean, not right now but maybe later. "No" means just that - NO! Why is this so hard to understand for guys???

Does anyone else ever have this problem?? Any advice at all?? What am I supposed to do?

When you give too much energy to a thing, you draw it to yourself...

Try sitting down and mentally release each of these male pursers one at a time... imagine in your mind, that you are in a room only with bob and then with a breath of kindness blow the rest of the men away... you can even write down their names and them toss them in a fire... then put them out of your mind and concentrate solely on bob...

You might not like hearing this, but I'm picking up the feeling that you are getting a little bit of satisfaction around the idea of being pursued by these men... the idea that they are brooding over you and chasing you down...

You will need to release this, if you really want to put your energy into bob...