My life story of trauma and misery

[MattMVS7]

I have had a very traumatic experience in my life. I mentioned it in my other packet regarding the horrible experiences during horrible or hellish ndes (near death experiences).

I am going to give you insight as to what this traumatic experience was like for me and also what those horrible nightmares I've had were like which were far worse than the trauma itself.

I've also had other horrible miserable experiences in my life along with their nightmares and I will also explain what these experiences were like for me.
I suffered from one horrible miserable event right after another.

They were all obsessive and negative thoughts due to my ocd. This process lasted 7 whole years of my life. It was like a curse. It was like bad karma was in my life. I don't believe in those things, but I am open to the possibility of them being true. Hopefully this will be the end of it all after I recover from this recent traumatic experience I have had.

The state of reality most human beings are in is a state where they have joy, meaning, and their lives are worth living with their families and other things in their lives. This is what I call the "normal state." It is how life is meant to be and should be.

Most human beings live in this state. Even if they have bad and miserable moments in their lives, they still remain in this state even during those said moments. Their moments are usually not so horrible as to send them into the abnormal state of reality that I am going to explain below.

We have good times, bad times, happy times, sad times, angry times, fearful times, etc. and these are all normal human experiences and a normal part of life.

They all fall within the normal human spectrum of experience. However, there is a state of reality that is entirely different. Imagine the most powerful meaningful and joyful moment in your life. Now from there imagine a state of reality that is the exact opposite of that.

This would be a state of reality where you are in an absolute horrible miserable state where all joy and all meaning in your life is gone. This is the worst state of misery you can be in.

It is not a normal state at all and does not fall in the normal human spectrum of experience at all. It is a state that is far more horrible and serious than simply having a bad moment in your life. It is what I would call the "abnormal state" of reality.

Some tough people would like pain and misery in their lives such as those who train rigorously. There are also people who embrace misery such as artists who use their misery as inspiration. But what I am talking about here is nothing like that.

The type of pain and misery these people are talking about would be something that falls within the normal state of reality since they would not be in a state of absolute hell where all joy and meaning has been taken away from them. What I am talking about here is a completely different state of reality than what these people are talking about.

What I am talking about is a state of reality where your entire life has been destroyed and taken away. It is an absolute state of hell where you are completely separated from all joy and meaning of this world to where you are completely subdued in complete darkness and horrible misery.

Everything in life has its opposites. There can't be good without evil, there can't be pleasure without pain, and neither can there be a powerful meaningful and joyful life (the "normal state") without a powerful and horrible miserable life devoid of all joy and meaning (the "abnormal state").
Even though you are with your family and are still in this world physically, it is as though you are not mentally. To recover from this abnormal state would not simply be a matter of recovery.

It would be like an entire journey getting back with the joy and meaning you have with your family and everything else. It would be like journeying from one dimension to another. You would be journeying from the "abnormal state" of reality back to the "normal state."

So when a person finally recovers from this horrible state, it would not be a matter of saying:

"That's great! You have finally recovered and are doing all better now!"

It would instead be a matter of saying:

"Welcome back to this world! You were completely cast out into a completely different reality of absolute hellish misery and you have finally made it back to this world!"

So it would be like arriving back to this world from a few months in coma or something so dramatic that getting back to your normal healthy state of mind seems like arriving at an entirely different mental state of reality.

Even while you read this packet, you just might feel some sorrow for me or you might even find it quite interesting. But you would be reading this packet and looking at my experience from your normal state of reality.

You can't possibly have any idea what the abnormal state of reality I mentioned is actually like until you've experienced it yourself. Some would be curious as to why one can't live a meaningful life that is worth living while you are in a state of misery.

Again, you would be asking this question from the perspective of your normal state of reality. To truly understand, you would have to experience what I've experienced for yourself. It is not simply a matter of being in a state of misery and nothing more. It is an entirely different reality (realm) of existence and it is the most horrible one to be in.

Now I am going to talk about dreams and nightmares. Dreams and nightmares are like powerful psychedelic drug experiences that can be far more powerful than any experience in your normal waking life. If you are in a normal healthy state of mind, then you will tend to have pleasant dreams.

But these pleasant dreams will tend to remain as normal average experiences for the individual since this reflects the mental state he/she was in during his/her waking life (a normal healthy stable mental state). It is a simple fact that powerful emotional states create powerful dreams and nightmares while stable mental states tend to create stable dreams and nightmares.

So if you were in a transcended state of extreme bliss and joy to where it seemed like you were in a whole new and higher spiritual realm (which would be the opposite of the "abnormal state" I described), then the types of dreams you are likely to experience would be something powerful beyond anything imaginable.

This would be because this would reflect the state of mind you were in during your waking life (a powerful state of extreme bliss and joy). The extreme state of bliss and joy you were in during your normal waking life was taken to an incredible altered state during your dreams.

The powerful psychedelic drug effect was applied to your extreme blissful state in your waking life, thus allowing you to experience an altered state that is far more powerful, blissful, and joyful than what you have experienced in your waking life.

It wouldn't even be considered a dream considering how powerful and glorious it was even though it was, in fact, a dream. It would be like experiencing the most powerful transcended heavenly experience in this entire universe. So instead of calling it a dream, I would instead call it an experience of the highest realms of heaven.

But I was not in that state. The "abnormal state" I was in was a severely ill and crippled miserable state where it seemed like I was in the most horrible state of existence. But this is not the real issue here if I were to have such an experience during a horrible or hellish nde (near death experience).

That miserable state I experienced in my waking life was absolutely nothing compared to how horrible and how altered the mental states I've experienced were during my nightmares. The severely ill and crippled mental state I was in during my waking life was radically altered by the psychedelic drug effect during my nightmares.

So what I experienced during these nightmares were radically altered states that would be the exact opposite of the power of those indescribably glorious and beautiful altered dream states I've mentioned.

Instead of experiencing an altered state that was the most powerful, amazing, and transcended joyful experience, what I experienced were altered states that were the most powerful, horrible, crippled, and ill states.

These states were absolutely nothing normal at all. They were not just horrible indescribable feelings of misery, they were the most horrible radically altered mental states.

I wouldn't even consider them nightmares since the word "nightmare" just implies a horrible dream. This was far more horrible than anything imaginable. Instead of calling them nightmares, I would instead call them experiences of the absolute worst hell.

If I was just simply miserable and the misery wasn't that bad, then the types of experiences I would have during these nightmares would be horrible, but they would still be normal experiences not all that bad.

But since I was in the worst state of misery in my life, then the types of nightmares I have had were the most horrible ones. These are the types of altered states that I am worried about experiencing if I ever have a horrible or hellish nde.

I would not only be fully conscious and aware of such horrible experiences, but these experiences might be far more intense than a nightmare. Knowing this possibility is what has severely traumatized me and has put me into a state of complete misery. It has taken me a few months and I am still slowly and gradually recovering from this trauma.

I am waiting for a full recovery on my own. I do not wish to take any medications since they have serious side effects such as complete anhedonia, loss of desire to live life, toxic brain damage due to excess lingering serotonin being produced in the brain by these drugs, etc.

[Aube Borealis]

Hello Matt,

I know what you are talking about, you are acting out in a dream state while awake, I am happy for you that you are starting to recover from it's traumas.

Maybe the right question is why do some people do that for their entertainment.
Playing with life of people who have resposibilities and obligations to a family or love ones.

Now you have a chance to make life better and be yourself again.
It's good to have you back, it like you are reborn and start it right but don't forget to give gratitudes to the people around who helped you get through it all, it wasn't easy for them too. Your best recovery will be a good reward for them.

Congratulations, you made it!

[shivatar]

"This would be a state of reality where you are in an absolute horrible miserable state where all joy and all meaning in your life is gone. This is the worst state of misery you can be in. "

Sounds like how I'd describe my depression to someone else. lol

[Baile]

Originally Posted by MattMVS7

It is not a normal state at all and does not fall in the normal human spectrum of experience at all. It is a state that is far more horrible and serious than simply having a bad moment in your life. It is what I would call the "abnormal state" of reality.

Some tough people would like pain and misery in their lives such as those who train rigorously. There are also people who embrace misery such as artists who use their misery as inspiration. But what I am talking about here is nothing like that.

Matt, you admonished me in your other thread, saying, "You are making a claim about me that is false since you do not know me and my spiritual needs and purpose." So how is it now that you know what 'some tough people' experience? And how is it you know their pain doesn't come close to the pain you experience? How do you know this? How can you gauge the degree of their misery in comparison to your own?

You can't. That's the answer. You can't possibly know.

A good place to start your healing would be to understand that your suffering is not unique. People go through misery. I was so ill years ago with stress that I couldn't stand up on my two feet; I crawled around my apartment to get anywhere. I ate my cereal out of a bowl on the floor. And I got well. And if you can see that others' suffering is the same as yours, and that their suffering has been healed, then it means yours can be too.

[MattMVS7]

Originally Posted by Baile

Matt, you admonished me in your other thread, saying, "You are making a claim about me that is false since you do not know me and my spiritual needs and purpose." So how is it now that you know what 'some tough people' experience? And how is it you know their pain doesn't come close to the pain you experience? How do you know this? How can you gauge the degree of their misery in comparison to your own?

You can't. That's the answer. You can't possibly know.

A good place to start your healing would be to understand that your suffering is not unique. People go through misery. I was so ill years ago with stress that I couldn't stand up on my two feet; I crawled around my apartment to get anywhere. I ate my cereal out of a bowl on the floor. And I got well. And if you can see that others' suffering is the same as yours, and that their suffering has been healed, then it means yours can be too.

The difference here is that these people said that the mental state they were in during their time of misery was a state where they still had joy and meaning in their lives. Their misery inspired their works of art and inspired other things. But the state I was in was completely different from that. The state I was in was a state of absolute hell where all joy and meaning was completely gone. That is obviously a far worse state to be in than one where you still have joy and meaning in your life despite being in a state of misery.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by MattMVS7

But the state I was in was completely different from that.

And if you choose to believe that, then it will be so. That's how life works: people choose their beliefs - religious, spiritual or otherwise - and then their reality and world outlook is shaped accordingly. Good luck Matt.

[MattMVS7]

Originally Posted by Baile

And if you choose to believe that, then it will be so. That's how life works: people choose their beliefs - religious, spiritual or otherwise - and then their reality and world outlook is shaped accordingly. Good luck Matt.

This is not the case. You must understand here that all our experiences are produced by our brains. This would even include our ability to perceive our lives as joyful and meaningful. When you are in a state of misery that gets to a certain point, certain areas of the brain become overly active while others turn off. Your ability to function in life will get turned off which means this faculty has been shut down.

But your ability to perceive your life as joyful and meaningful can also get turned off as well when your misery and depression reach a certain point. So when you go and listen to your favorite song, it will have no more significance whatsoever to it. It will now sound like nothing more than a stream of noise.

Ask any neuroscientist regarding everything that I just said and they will tell you that I am right. They will tell you that our ability to perceive our lives as joyful and meaningful is a faculty of our brains and that this faculty can get shut down during times of severe misery.

Lastly, I am not the only one here who has had that experience. There are plenty of severely depressed people out there whose joy and meaning has also been taken away from them.

[Aube Borealis]

Originally Posted by MattMVS7

But your ability to perceive your life as joyful and meaningful can also get turned off as well. So when you go and listen to your favorite song, it will have no more significance whatsoever to it. It will now sound like nothing more than a stream of noise.

What you have experienced was that the certain positive emotions were blocked the state of no feelings of joy and happiness like an artificial depression if there were no reason to be depressed. You know you love and felt good with your favorite song but it suddenly gone, sudden loss of emotion.

In the state you were in made you numb in reality but sensitive in non reality, feeling lost, uninspired, apathetic, loss of reality, impulsive reactions on the non reality.

It is good for you to avoid drugs that can make you go back to that situations and also do away with vices if you have one, indulge yourself more of physical interactions and activities to help you recover, and soon you'll realize your regained self.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by MattMVS7

You made a post in my topic claiming that I am just merely choosing to perceive my life as joyless and meaningless during my time of misery.

Matt, I did not say that, not at all. I replied to your comment - to your belief - that your pain and misery is much more extreme than the pain and misery that people experience. And I said, "Matt, if you want to believe that, then yes, that will be your reality."

I also pointed out you have no idea whether your pain and misery is greater than anyone else's. That is the simple truth. You are choosing to believe something that you cannot prove. And I went on to explain why it's important to see that you are making certain belief choices here. I'll post it again:

A good place to start your healing would be to understand that your suffering is not unique. People go through misery. If you can see that others' suffering is the same as yours, and that their suffering has been healed, then it means yours can be too.

[MattMVS7]

Originally Posted by Baile

Matt, I did not say that, not at all. I replied to your comment - to your belief - that your pain and misery is much more extreme than the pain and misery that people experience. And I said, "Matt, if you want to believe that, then yes, that will be your reality."

I also pointed out you have no idea whether your pain and misery is greater than anyone else's. That is the simple truth. You are choosing to believe something that you cannot prove. And I went on to explain why it's important to see that you are making certain belief choices here.

Alright, then never mind on what I said in regards to that. But I would like to point out that most people would think that to perceive your life as joyful and meaningful, that this solely comes about through one's way of thinking. This is not the case. Joy and meaning in our lives actually comes through a different faculty of our brains and not simply the faculty known as "thought."

When I was in a state of misery and listened to my favorite songs, they were nothing more than an insignificant stream of noise. Despite my efforts in thinking to myself that the song still had significance, this did nothing. It was no different than a blind person trying to give his/herself sight by thinking to his/herself that he/she can still see.

Well, that is not going to work since sight is a completely different perception than our thinking. Sight is the experience of visualizing objects and your thoughts alone cannot give you that experience. So this would also apply to the joy and meaning (significance) in one's life. This too relies on a faculty independent from our thinking alone. It relies on a perception that our thoughts alone cannot give us.