Should I ask him why he was holding back on his answers, on our first date?

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by OEN34

And if there's no depthness there - yes, even from the off - then I also side you. Small talk has it's place, but it drains the soul out of me. Again, your expectations are fine in this IMO as you're either in alignment with someone, or you're not - it's that simple really. You want to attract someone who's an open book, is deep and doesn't shy away from discussion, and there's nothing wrong with that. You'd become irritable and resentful if you were in someone's company who is shut down, I'm the exact same. There's nothing wrong with being shut down and not an open book, but it isn't for people like you and I. More importantly, I couldn't give my time to someone who had no depthness to them, I'd be forced to stay clear, seriously.

Exactly. I want depthness and to know someone beyond small talk, especially when considering them for a relationship.

Ok you like this type of music, that tv show, you do this and that at the gym, but then what? Is that all you've got?

Actually at one point we were talking about being shy and he asked me if used to be shy and I said yes in the past. And he said being shy is normal. And I said that I used to think that too, but then later realised that being shy is just fear of showing yourself. And he asked if I am still shy, I said not anymore. And... he changed subject.

I mean, I was trying to get deeper into the conversation, and he could have asked me things like "so why were you affraid of showing yourself", or "how did you change", or even talk about himself. So many things he could have talked and asked, but basically he changed subject into if I like football or something like that. I felt frustrated really.

There was also another thing about him: last week he asked me what do I want to do for the second date, I said let's go for a walk in a park. He said ok, and then later on suggested going to a pub he found on Google... no mention at any time of the walk on a park. So why did he ask me what I wanted to do if he completely ignored it?

Anyway, I don't need more dates with this guy. Letting him go is the best thing, so he can find someone else, and same for me.

[OEN34]

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa

Ok you like this type of music, that tv show, you do this and that at the gym, but then what? Is that all you've got?

I know exactly what you mean. Well, not with dudes as they're not my thang', I prefer ladies but yep, this small talk is hideous for prolonged periods, IMO. Has it's place as I say, but small amounts.

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa

I mean, I was trying to get deeper into the conversation, and he could have asked me things like "so why were you affraid of showing yourself", or "how did you change", or even talk about himself. So many things he could have talked and asked, but basically he changed subject into if I like football or something like that. I felt frustrated really

Haha! This made me smile! It's good to know I'm not the only lunatic who thinks this way Those are the type of questions I would've LOVED someone to ask - get under the skin a bit, delve deeper into someone, as I'd ask similar to them, but I do understand we're all different, but that doesn't mean you need to continue with this guy as he'd be doing it naturally if he was in alignment with you.

I've always been naturally inquisitive, ever since being a child, but from embarking on this journey and finding myself more I've noticed I'm not so much asking more questions, I'd say my questioning style has changed. I'm always self-inquiring, so I like to dig deeper and ask myself 'Why' quite a lot (without pressure of judgment), so I tend to ask other people things too, but I'm really aware of asking in a gentle tone with empathy, compassion and no backing-in-a-corner approach, so I know I am coming from a genuine place when I do ask them things, but also understand that not everyone is like that, or is receptive to it as they either find it uncomfortable, or their ego dislikes it, they get defensive or they shut you out - all of which is absolutely okay and is respected from me, but yeah, I'm not down for probing others, it has to come naturally from them otherwise I'm out.

I remember being on a date and a girl said to me ''I only really show 30% of what is really going on underneath'', which prompted me to ask ''Oh, okay. What's the reason for you showing that amount?'' . I was conscious of my language and not saying ''Why do you only show that amount?'' as it implies I'm suggesting there's something wrong with her thoughts.

The conversation carried on, but it was like peeling layers of an onion and by the time we left I think she questioned who she is, ha! Only joking, it didn't carry on for much longer (the conversation) as she was clearly shutting me out, which was fine, so we moved the conversation on - probably went back to talking about the weather

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by OEN34

I know exactly what you mean. Well, not with dudes as they're not my thang', I prefer ladies but yep, this small talk is hideous for prolonged periods, IMO. Has it's place as I say, but small amounts.




Haha! This made me smile! It's good to know I'm not the only lunatic who thinks this way Those are the type of questions I would've LOVED someone to ask - get under the skin a bit, delve deeper into someone, as I'd ask similar to them, but I do understand we're all different, but that doesn't mean you need to continue with this guy as he'd be doing it naturally if he was in alignment with you.

I've always been naturally inquisitive, ever since being a child, but from embarking on this journey and finding myself more I've noticed I'm not so much asking more questions, I'd say my questioning style has changed. I'm always self-inquiring, so I like to dig deeper and ask myself 'Why' quite a lot (without pressure of judgment), so I tend to ask other people things too, but I'm really aware of asking in a gentle tone with empathy, compassion and no backing-in-a-corner approach, so I know I am coming from a genuine place when I do ask them things, but also understand that not everyone is like that, or is receptive to it as they either find it uncomfortable, or their ego dislikes it, they get defensive or they shut you out - all of which is absolutely okay and is respected from me, but yeah, I'm not down for probing others, it has to come naturally from them otherwise I'm out.

I remember being on a date and a girl said to me ''I only really show 30% of what is really going on underneath'', which prompted me to ask ''Oh, okay. What's the reason for you showing that amount?'' . I was conscious of my language and not saying ''Why do you only show that amount?'' as it implies I'm suggesting there's something wrong with her thoughts.

The conversation carried on, but it was like peeling layers of an onion and by the time we left I think she questioned who she is, ha! Only joking, it didn't carry on for much longer (the conversation) as she was clearly shutting me out, which was fine, so we moved the conversation on - probably went back to talking about the weather

Oh the taking about the weather! lol

I tend to be cautious as well when asking questions. I want to know because I am genuinely interested in knowing the other person, what they have been through, their experiences, how they think, etc. Not to judge them, but to know them.

What I do very often is opening up about myself really. I share something about me that shows my vulnerability. Not anything scary or shocking, but something simple, like for example what I said to this guy that I was shy for many years and realised later that being shy is actually being affraid of showing myself. That was me trying to show myself to him and being vulnerable, saying that for a period of my life I was affraid of showing who I am to the world. And I was stunned when he completely ignored it.

To some people that makes them relate and at ease to show themselves too, because they feel we have a safe space in there, and we end up having a nice deep conversation and bonding.

To others, it's the opposite. Me showing this side of me scares them to death because they are not open to do deeper (maybe they are only 30% open as you said), and usually with this people conversation stops or it goes back to talking about the weather.

I could tell by his avoidance of going deeper that he's got issues going on. He was married for 8 years and got separated 6 months ago. Although he says he's fine, I'm not sure he really is open and ready for a relationship.

Yes, maybe I just need to find another lunatic who finds deep conversations under the stars one of the best things in life.

I've been far too long in this spiritual journey to enjoy anything superficial for too long.

[Blue Tiger]

I think you've given him a fair chance to show what he's made of... and you didn't like what he showed you.

In the beginning it was shallow conversation and the tattoo that made you question if it was worth pursuing a relationship. You gave him another chance, on the thought that tattoo's are only skin deep and maybe he's just very private and would open up as you got to know him better.

Clearly he didn't exactly "open up" but he sure did tell you a lot about himself in the pub. He's easily angered, ill-mannered, and seems domineering. In short he acted like a total jerk.

If I were in your shoes, I'd simply say "sayonara" and forget his phone number. He is not only incompatible, he doesn't even seem like a nice person.

I wish you luck finding a nicer guy to grace with your presence :)

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by Blue Tiger

I think you've given him a fair chance to show what he's made of... and you didn't like what he showed you.

In the beginning it was shallow conversation and the tattoo that made you question if it was worth pursuing a relationship. You gave him another chance, on the thought that tattoo's are only skin deep and maybe he's just very private and would open up as you got to know him better.

Clearly he didn't exactly "open up" but he sure did tell you a lot about himself in the pub. He's easily angered, ill-mannered, and seems domineering. In short he acted like a total jerk.

If I were in your shoes, I'd simply say "sayonara" and forget his phone number. He is not only incompatible, he doesn't even seem like a nice person.

I wish you luck finding a nicer guy to grace with your presence :)

Thanks! I have already told him today that I do not wish to progress further with him. He wanted to know why and details, but I just said I feel we are not compatible for a relationship and that's it.

After just two dates I don't owe him anything and I really don't want to get into a discussion about how rude he was to the service staff at the pub and also grabbing my shoulders and pushing me through the door, and other things.

If he gets so angry for waiting a bit longer than usual on a very busy pub on a Saturday dinner time, I wonder how he gets with more serious stuff.

[OEN34]

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa

He wanted to know why and details:

You should've replied ''That's the spirit! If only you'd ask more why's and want details during our dates!

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by OEN34

You should've replied ''That's the spirit! If only you'd ask more why's and want details during our dates!

lololol exactly!

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa

I have dated many guys in the past where I would see red flags but because it was only the first or second date, I would continue dating them and giving them opportunities, just to realise further down the road that I was right the first time.

I am a very intuitive person and ultimately is not even about how they are and do, but about how I feel. The right person needs to be a match as in being in the same wavelenght as me.

True.

Sometimes yes it is productive to measure someone in just one situation, because the way you react and treat others, especially when you are getting pis***, says a lot of who you are.

Also very true. If you assess someone in one situation it says a lot of who you are.

He wasn’t trying to light up her day, he wanted a smile from her to make him feel good, which is a total different story. And he was pretty rude in the way he talked to her. And of course no, she didn’t smile and I could tell by her face that she wanted to tell him to f*** off basically.

Because no, no one needs to give a fake smile to make someone else feel good.

Did he tell you that? And was the smile fake? Just I recall someone asking me to smile one evening at a gig that wasn't going too well; tempers were fraying because we were well over-time. I smiled, a weary smile but it wasn't fake as I recall.

But I'll duck out here as you've anyway made your decision.
Cheers.

[olhosdeamendoa]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

True.
Also very true. If you assess someone in one situation it says a lot of who you are.


Did he tell you that? And was the smile fake? Just I recall someone asking me to smile one evening at a gig that wasn't going too well; tempers were fraying because we were well over-time. I smiled, a weary smile but it wasn't fake as I recall.

But I'll duck out here as you've anyway made your decision.
Cheers.

I don’t assess someone on one situation, I assess how it makes me feel, which is a very different thing. The way he talked to the girl made me feel really bad and I am finally listening to and paying attention to how I feel about someone, instead of putting rose tinted glasses and giving excuses for rude behaviour, like in the past.

I don’t need him to tell me anything, I’m an empath and I read other people’s energy quite easily. Cheers.

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa

I don’t assess someone on one situation, I assess how it makes me feel, which is a very different thing. The way he talked to the girl made me feel really bad and I am finally listening to and paying attention to how I feel about someone, instead of putting rose tinted glasses and giving excuses for rude behaviour, like in the past.

Yeah, important to listen to your intuition (there have been plenty of times when I haven't heeded what my gut was telling me, and I've reaped the consequences). And there were plenty of red flags, so it seems from what you've said, so I think you've done the right thing in ending the relationship before it gets any more involved.