So confusing, hot and cold

[Romy123]

TF is very confusing. He is so nervous around me, but I am patient and try very hard to help him feel comfortable. I try to place him in positions of being the "protector" or "leader" in his interactions with me, roles in which he feels very comfortable. He loves "saving the damsel in distress". In those roles, he becomes the man I know he wants to be, although I am extremely independent and alpha female in a lot of ways. In some ways, I know I need to be vulnerable and ask for help, so this role-playing doesn't bother me too much, (I practice a lot of my "insecurities" with him: being vocal about my needs, asking for help, speaking my mind). In large groups, he won't even look or acknowledge me but he is very social and boisterous with other people. But in one-on-one situations, he can be quite the chatterbox with me. Of course, I can be the same way. Sometimes, I think it's because I don't want "others to know" about us (although at this point, it's all in the initial stages and very innocent).

One thing that amuses me is that if I try to bring up my husband in conversation, he interrupts me and changes the subject.

He's also tried hinting around about meeting socially (large groups with co-workers), but as soon as such words, "there's a bunch of people going to XYZ after work" fall out of him mouth, he says, "but I'm probably not going." He's also told me he owes me coffee or asks if I am going to so and so's gathering.

Husband is not opposed to me being TFs friend, and he hasn't been super against him becoming more, it's just a lot of conversation and keeping the best interest of us, our kids and other relationships in mind. I know TF wants more, but is still confined to the idea of marriage (I know he feels "wrong" or guilty for having feelings for me because I am married). I've thought about point blank asking him if he believes a person can love more than one person as a partner (I've recently come out to myself as being poly, have hinted to husband, but not come out yet to him), but we aren't even at the point yet where he can muster up enough courage to come talk to me without turning all shades of red and shaking. So, do I just keep being patient, or risk scaring him off by being blunt and asking him to deal with his feelings and beliefs?

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by Romy123

TF is very confusing. He is so nervous around me, but I am patient and try very hard to help him feel comfortable. I try to place him in positions of being the "protector" or "leader" in his interactions with me, roles in which he feels very comfortable. He loves "saving the damsel in distress". In those roles, he becomes the man I know he wants to be, although I am extremely independent and alpha female in a lot of ways. In some ways, I know I need to be vulnerable and ask for help, so this role-playing doesn't bother me too much, (I practice a lot of my "insecurities" with him: being vocal about my needs, asking for help, speaking my mind). In large groups, he won't even look or acknowledge me but he is very social and boisterous with other people. But in one-on-one situations, he can be quite the chatterbox with me. Of course, I can be the same way. Sometimes, I think it's because I don't want "others to know" about us (although at this point, it's all in the initial stages and very innocent).

One thing that amuses me is that if I try to bring up my husband in conversation, he interrupts me and changes the subject.

He's also tried hinting around about meeting socially (large groups with co-workers), but as soon as such words, "there's a bunch of people going to XYZ after work" fall out of him mouth, he says, "but I'm probably not going." He's also told me he owes me coffee or asks if I am going to so and so's gathering.

Husband is not opposed to me being TFs friend, and he hasn't been super against him becoming more, it's just a lot of conversation and keeping the best interest of us, our kids and other relationships in mind. I know TF wants more, but is still confined to the idea of marriage (I know he feels "wrong" or guilty for having feelings for me because I am married). I've thought about point blank asking him if he believes a person can love more than one person as a partner (I've recently come out to myself as being poly, have hinted to husband, but not come out yet to him), but we aren't even at the point yet where he can muster up enough courage to come talk to me without turning all shades of red and shaking. So, do I just keep being patient, or risk scaring him off by being blunt and asking him to deal with his feelings and beliefs?

I thought... I should be the protector, or leader (I'm the guy and that is what guys do). I'm personally very glad I've been prevented from trying to fulfill that fantasy.