!!! Complete beginner that couldn't be more lost !!!

[ste20man]

Hi there, I know everyone can and has an opinion on mostly everything but I'm asking only people who completely get what I am stating here to write back as I am doing myself no favours at the moment. No-one around me has a single clue as to what I speak about even though I know I am speaking a pure truth.

Not being able to connect fully with people is doing my head in and I don't know what to do, I'm so frustrated.

Some time ago at the height of a personal struggle I was on my knees, coming to the point where I had physically and mentally given up. I had no fight left to give and was completely spent. In this moment I was presented (in whatever level or manner) by a vast black "knowing" that was not "me", instantly realising that it had its own conscious nature that was fully aware of me. With this thing being quiet and conscious I had only 2 options, one was to edge away and hope that I could forget about it over time and the other was to "dive in" to it, to meet it at whatever terms it held. In a moment of madness I chose the latter. (It had to be madness or total desperation as no one would do so given time to analyse and think).

Just as I was chose to go, I was the most humble I had ever been, sending up a small prayer for the first time in my life that there just might be something "God?" bigger than me, a vein hope that I might be protected in some way.

This was my last wish as I crashed into this void. I had no idea as to what to expect and in truth I was completely willing to die, to let what would be, I had completely given myself over to whatever outcome there may be.

What I did not expect was what I received. I was cast not into dark or some kind of death but into light. An infinite sea of conscious light. It was aware and as conscious as I am now, a finite piece of an infinite sea of consciousness. An awareness that played and tossed my finite awareness around with only love, playing we me, soothing my pains, an infinite sea of consciousness vibrating with only love.

I remained in that state, instantly knowing it was eternal, that it went on in every direction forever. Knowing that it had always been that way that it always would. I knew in that first moment that "this" was the actual true nature of reality, not the room that I am sitting in now, not this keyboard I am typing on.

I only came back to this life when I began to realise that I had no physical body in that understanding. When this thought occurred to me in that sea of consciousness I simply slipped back into my physical body. I was on the bed crying over and over: "I never knew..." It was the loving beauty of it, still indescribable, a love multiplied by infinity.

Obviously as I have found this is not a knowledge that you can explain to someone, you can't wrap it up and give it as a gift. Even the fact that it is a pure unchangeable truth does not help in the sharing of such knowledge.

And that is my problem.

I am currently having the hardest of times squaring this knowledge with my friends and family, with everything, with me. To my closest people they say it seems possible and yet it is completely unprovable. To me, my understanding of life has now been changed at the very most fundamental level.

What am I supposed to do? Just carry on and pretend everything is the same?

I could start meditation to try and experience it once again?

Are you supposed to repeat?

Am I supposed to try and guide other people to this understanding?

Is the human race waking up in some way? Is this 2012 etc?

Most seem "happy" enough to walk the streets, go to their jobs and have a family (What else is there I suppose).

It has shown me that there is no distance between anything and that the only true thing that exists is connection This somehow makes me feel further away than ever before, always wishing to meet someone who understand even just a little of what I am talking about.

I'm starting at the University of Manchester this September to do Mental Health Nursing as helping people in every was is all I can think of doing. I feel I'm kind of being subtly guided so I will roll with that, I have a caring nature.

I'm not in love at the moment, I think maybe I'm just lonely perhaps.

If you truly understand what I am speaking of, what do you do? There is so much spiritual stuff out there that I don't know where to start. As this is the case I have decided to start here. I'll see where this leads as this happened 5 years ago and I still haven't got a grip of myself and my relationship to this experience and to this world.

Just please be truthful and honest if you can, this is really important to me, thanks ste.