Quick Question

My partner and I decided to call it quits maybe about a week ago. I'm a little heart broken. But something feels weird. I've cut all communication with him and all contact but deep inside I still feel like he loves me and wants us to be together. He says the issue was marriage, that he wasn't ready and that there was a voice in his head that kept saying to end it, to stop keeping me back. That and his penis size, he kept feeling like he couldn't make me happy. He said the day he proposed, he felt a sinking feeling and felt like he was making the wrong decision. So I told him to trust his gut and if his gut says to go, then go.

But I felt the issue was communication. He wouldn't talk to me about these things. I know when I would listen to the voice in my head telling me things about myself, if I didn't test them in reality, then the voice would get louder and louder. But how can I tell him to not trust himself when I'm all about trusting one's instincts? So now I'm just uncomfortable. Not with the breakup because I promised myself that this time I'm going to leave him be, but with the fact that my heart says we're great together, that we belong together, that we love each other deeply and profoundly. And the voice in his head is telling him to go away from me. So while I was digging my heels in to make things work, the voice was telling him to hold back.

Isn't that weird?

It really sounds as if you need to give it more time. A week isn't enough distance to let things settle and view them with more detachment. It could just be that he needs that same space to think things through. If there is something between you then it may be resolved.

Marriage is a huge commitment. There really is little point in it unless you're looking to the very long term. It's easy these days to get married and divorced just down the line but what's the point? Children may come into it so you have to be prepared to set your responsibilities right, to compromise, to suffer frustrations but look to the good that you can bring to each other. Perhaps he's mulling such things over.

[knightofalbion]

Sounds like 'cold feet'. What man isn't at least a little frightened of the C word - commitment?

'Give it time'? If you think he is Mr Right or even Mr Not Quite Right But You Can't Have It All (well, you have to be realistic) .... Some things are worth fighting for.

Though on the other hand, if it is't going to end how you want it to end, maybe wise not to waste your 'best years'.

[Silver]

Hi Royalite,

Have you ever considered, or gone to any type of counseling? (Both regular and sex counseling?)

Originally Posted by Silver

Hi Royalite,

Have you ever considered, or gone to any type of counseling? (Both regular and sex counseling?)

Ive gone to counseling on my own. And he and I have talked about going as a couple though it was something we agreed to do if we got engaged as a precursor to marriage. I never thought we needed sex counseling. Just because I was okay with all of him...he just wasn't okay with all of him...

I just thought that things would've been easier if he had just talked to me about it. But he never did because he felt like if we had disagreements then it was bad. And I never saw it as good or bad just...a part of life.

[Silver]

Well....anyway, I think you could make some sort of progress to go to both types of counseling now. Just leave the idea with him and give him time to consider it. It could help him feel better about himself and give ideas to you as a couple how to remedy it.

Originally Posted by Silver

Well....anyway, I think you could make some sort of progress to go to both types of counseling now. Just leave the idea with him and give him time to consider it. It could help him feel better about himself and give ideas to you as a couple how to remedy it.

If he and I ever reconnect by his own choice and efforts, I'll bring it up and see what he says. I have a strong tendency to try and control outcomes and I need to stop.

Originally Posted by Royalite

If he and I ever reconnect by his own choice and efforts, I'll bring it up and see what he says. I have a strong tendency to try and control outcomes and I need to stop.

Frankly, I'm loath to say it but if you need counselling now, before even considering engagement, then really you have a lot to think through. If he can't talk to you, how can you hope he can be open with a counsellor - and if he could, what does that about his ability to talk with you? Do you suppose every time a veil appears between you, you can go to a counsellor?

He is his selfhood, so are you so best let things settle first. You feel he has a problem with himself? Not entirely. He has a certain distance from you. It takes two (at least) to make a relationship problem. Counsellors will take your money but ultimately it's up to you together.

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Frankly, I'm loath to say it but if you need counselling now, before even considering engagement, then really you have a lot to think through. He is his selfhood, so are you so best let things settle first. Counsellors will take your money but ultimately it's up to you together.

It's okay. Be honest. He and I broke up a week ago, remember? But it is a valid suggestion. Lots of people in my current life who have already been married often recommend counseling before entering into the decision. I think it's a wise and valid point. But I'm not sure we'll ever get back together. Love or no love.

So it's been more than 2 weeks and I'm starting to realize that my partner and I weren't on the same page. There is another girl, if I remember correctly, that seemed better matched for who he was. She texted him on a few occasions (they were friends before). But when i read her text messages, she reminded me a lot of what I was like in high school, which is a lot more like what he's like now. She's focused on traveling and unifying racial gaps and says things like, "you deserve to be happy!", etc etc. You know...all the worldly wisdom stuff. Plus, they're both focused on "pursuit of happiness!" which is cool I guess.

We've completely cut all ties and my guess is that he may be interacting with her now, because in many ways, they are on the same page. So I think in her he might have found a soul mate. So it makes sense. I've changed a lot through our interactions and experiences together. But from the vibe I get (I can't really feel or sense his rhythm anymore), he's gone.