the barest glimpse

[peteyzen]

Not been on for a while, thought it was time to inflict one of my stories on you all, hope you like it
Love and light
ps. it might be easier to print and read it later, its up to you.
Let me know what you think kids


The Barest Glimpse
By Peter Smith
8/98


When consciousness finally occurred and Frank`s grey eyelids levered themselves half open, it was surprising how quickly the sea of comprehension began it`s tidal return to the beach of his mind, pretty soon, after only a few minutes, it was high tide, or at least reasonably close, well, there was paddling room anyhow.


With just a little too much effort for a man of his age, Frank raised his forty three-year-old body from the horizontal up to a sitting position, coughed once gutturally and began his routine.


He reached over to the bedside table in the early morning dark and instinctively opened his fags, dragged one from the dishevelled pack, instilled it into the middle of his mouth and then by whipping into action his trusty zippo set the thing, as well as the room alight with his right hand, whilst shielding the flame from an imaginary, mischievous wind with his left. The first drag was the deepest, he thought and his mind spun off into a parody of the song `The first cut is the deepest`. By the time he had strung together the first couple of lyrics for this odious remake of the righteous brothers song and just after he had began to question why on earth he was wasting his time with such bilge, Frank was in the kitchen of his flatette (as he called it), in the magnolia room and the kettle was grumbling away in the background. An electronic echo of his stomachs morning chorus.


Frank was an old forty three, he aged quickly, his hair was gone in the middle but, typically, with the irritation that life had heaped on him always, it sprung lavishly and uncontrollably at either side. He had an expanding paunch six or seven inches larger than it was in his prime and, unlike so many aspects of his life which seemed to be on a self inflicted spiral downward, his stomach was on an outward journey, cruising at a fattening rate of knots. Over the last couple of years Frank had noticed that he was ravenous all the time. His stomach, it seemed conspired, perhaps incited by a forty year old hormonal signal flare, against him. It was so unfair, for it to happen at this age when he was less active than he had ever been, suddenly his stomach had a permanent insatiable desire for food.

How Frank loathed `middle age`. Single now, although not always, frank laboured to force himself out of his rut. Sadly, he genuinely believed that when he eventually regained full married status, then, finally, all of his problems would just disappear. Frank aspired for married status as other men aspire to success. To him, in his present predicament, living alone was incomplete. Yes, our Frank is a romantic, not a realist. Franks sole goal was to achieve happiness via the aisle. Blatantly ignoring the fact that his previous two encounters with the marital state fell well short off bliss, and landed far closer to hell on earth. `Still, you never realise what you`ve got `til you lose it.` thought Frank. Then, for a brief nanosecond he momentarily remembered what life had actually been like whilst married, his mind though responded and shifted swiftly, automatically, into romantic mode, shutting away the truth, he replaced it with a hastily concocted mental ideal, which relied purely upon snippets of the all too few happy sensual moments he actually experienced, and then enlarged them to fill up the whole of his memory, blocking out reality and adding fuel to his doomed aspiration.

In the bathroom he shaved his face taking care to go around his cigarette. Whilst crunching up one side of his face or the other against the tendril of blue smoke which constantly sought out his eyes. His brown eyes, that once so dark, had conveyed mystery and excitement to the opposite sex now solicited desperation, they spoke volumes of his pain from those two disastrous marriages. Frank knew of course, he was no fool and consequently he found it hard to look women he cared for in the eye, this caused him to look disreputable and dubious. Qualities that although unlikely to inspire trust in someone looking for love had the knock on effect of being totally disastrous in the profession of salesmanship.
The face had a smooth skin tone and although he was becoming rounder in the jaw and cheeks with each year, it was n`t yet a fat face. Being tall helped to stretch him out, thought Frank and then panicked for a moment as he remembered that older people shrank, he had heard that somewhere. The fear passed as he despatched the dreadful thought with a shake of his head followed by a cleansing explosion of water across his face. The shave now complete Frank finished up in the bathroom with his usual wash and tooth clean, `I may be forty three but I still got my own teeth.` He thought laconically, `There must be a song that goes with that.` He pondered on this as he dressed in a crumpled worn suit and tie, but could find no suitable ditty from the previous forty or so years. With the last of his four coffees, used to kick start the morning, he sat down in the diminutive lounge and drew open his briefcase. The briefcase contained only his diary a few pens a calculator and an A4 pad, contrary to the rest of his appearance Franks briefcase and incidentally, his shoes, both shone and reflected light like they were brand spanking new. Frank had a thing for polished leather, it just had to be perfect. A foible you could call it or an insight into his life, if you looked close enough.


The diary held bad news, January the 22nd, no appointments, zero. That in itself was not unduly disappointing, the real disappointment came from the fact that Frank had to prospect today. This entailed a tube journey into the city, to the office and time spent on an unkind telephone, in an unfriendly office full of self centred supposed colleagues. `All part of one big friendly team, all working together for the common good`. Well that was how the sales manager sold it to them but Frank knew, he had seen and heard them stealing leads off each other, sifting through each others folders when they popped to the toilet. Still, a few hours of effort, six or seven leads and who knows, he may not need to go in for a few more days.



At eight thirty he exited chez Franky boy and hop, skipped and constantly slid on the frost off to Brent cross tube station. After he had moved off the pavement for the second time to let yet another family of orthodox Jews pass him and again muttered an unintelligible apology for having inconvenienced them, he became cross. It was n`t the, him having to mov, that annoyed Frank, no, it was the arrogance. They approached him with a look that belittled him it said` You are of no consequence`. That allied to the fact that the father and wife along with the inevitable brood of children had no intention whatsoever of parting to let him pass and would sooner crash into him than move aside for a gentile.

Another factor accelerating our Frank`s irritation was that, they never said thanks or even acknowledged his kindness in clearing the path for them. They simply continued on, ignoring him, way, way above him. It was just what they expected. Should he of not moved, then they would have been absolutely incensed by his lack of manners and would of curse him endlessly, amongst themselves, until the next fool came along who crossed their path and failed to give way. He consoled himself by imagining crucifying a few of `The chosen people` who came across his path and setting them up in a line, edging the pavement along his five minute walk to the tube. It would, he considered, be an appropriate fate for those who dared to cross the path of Frank the dreaded.
By the time Frank walked into Brent Cross Tube Station he was a serious contender, right next to Hitler, for imagined atrocities dealt out to Jewdom. As he bought his ticket and ascended the stairs to the platform Frank wondered, that, if as an impressionable child Hitler had perhaps been forced to walk off pavements and onto roads whilst living in an area such as Golders green. `Funny how easily hate can grow` he thought, having already decided that his theory on the development of Hitler`s psyche must be true. However by the time Frank had reached the top of the stairs and was on the platform, his wave of anti semitism had passed and been replaced with an embarrassment, tinged with sadness, that he could of conceived such thoughts. Not one to bear a grudge, our Frank.


The journey to Euston would take around fifteen minutes, normally, that is unless some weakened character took flight across the rails further down the line, as they suddenly realised they could no longer cope with life, or more accurately life in London. He was never quite sure if they committed suicide just to escape or if it was just to **** every body else off. To do unto others as had been done unto them. To go, knowing that this time tens of thousands of people would be forced to take part in a standing, semi silent, trainless tribute to the suicidee`s last conscious act, whether they liked it or not and they usually didn`t. Therefore providing the suicidee a notoriety in death that, ironically, they never achieved in life.



The metallic tinkling of the rails announced the imminent arrival of his train long before the tannoy deemed it necessary to mention. Frank alighted and took a central seat in the surprisingly vacant, grey, but warm and therefore welcoming coach. Only eight other people occupied his side. From frank`s point of view though he only noticed a couple of them. The West Indian guy, who sat directly opposite, tough looking, basking in the confidence of youth, viewing all around him with contempt. `That`s not fair,` thought Frank `he just has the bearing of youth, I probably sat with that same air of indestructibility many years ago`. He is nothing if not fair our Frank. Even so Frank was careful to avoid eye contact.
There was also a young mother with a three or four year old child, both wrapped up in bundles against the cold, the inevitable pushchair in closed position clutched against their knees. He only noticed them because it was they who he pretended to look at, smiling occasionally at the delightful little boy, whilst he really looked at the woman to their left. Peripheral vision was a natural skill Frank had developed over the years until he could appear to be looking almost anywhere in a given coach, except at the object of his attention. Pointless as this skill was, Frank was an expert at it. What he didn`t realise however,was, that so was everyone else.


The woman was in her late thirties maybe early forties, it didn`t really matter to Frank. She had his look, she looked alone and there was no ring on her finger. Once, Frank had no doubt she had been, probably, quite pretty but now she looked her age or her apparent age at least.
The thing was, she was in Frank`s league. The advice, `Never fight out of your weight`, had become Franks moto after an unsavoury incident in a wine bar with a legal secretary.
These sort of women were hard to find, ones who, at first glance anyway, appeared as desperate and unglamorous as Frank, yet still had a something, an attraction.
Her brown hair touched her shoulders and swept back from her face it was thin but nicely styled. She had brown eyes of course and her clothes were about ten years out of fashion but that was fine, ten years ago was Franks favourite fashion period. Hey, she was alive and warm too, all of these things were in her favour. The real sadness of this nearly encounter, this non event was that had she, whoever she was, shown the slightest interest then Frank`s courage would flee the field, his attention apparently vanish. His eyes would spend the rest of the trip really looking elsewhere, because without the platform of three or four beers and a cigarette his self belief ranged somewhere around the zero mark. As Frank mentally acknowledged this simple truth a wave of nicotine deprivation washed over him and his mind asked for the hundredth time. `Why don`t they let us smoke on the bloody trains any mo....` And then IT happened.


Had he been paying attention he would of realised something was up a couple of seconds ago when the girl to his left, whom he had not noticed, had snapped her head up slightly and her mouth hung open, not wide open, just a gap, her face epitomised surprise and wonder. As was the case though the first that Frank knew about IT, was when the calm descended, it happened immediately, no slow gentle transition. One moment Franks mind was occupied with fags the next it stopped, all of the idle chatter ceased, silence. Vast, all encompassing, then, slowly, the rush began. The limitations were going now, his essence, his soul rose, feeling like it was rushing up. Like the sensation you get deep in your belly in a fast car going over a small hump back bridge. The rush started and scared him initially but this car didn’t land it carried on expanding out, and up.
He wasn’t actually going anywhere, he realised in his calmness, his awareness, his consciousness was growing. Along with it, exponentially, grew his knowledge and wisdom. He was way beyond human level, now he was operating on a cosmic level, he was one with the universe and one with God, again. This came as no shock, since before time began he had been one with God and after time ended and this play ceased, he would be one with God again. He knew everything, he was one with everything you see. The truths did n`t shock him, this was his natural state, he was home. Franks true nature was aware that this gift had not just been bestowed upon him, everyone all over the world was having this identical experience. Time had been brought to a halt for a period. It was an illusion anyway like the world and his body, he now knew his true nature was spirit his real matter was light. In his super conscious state the real Frank was aware of everything at once, he knew without searching, the truth of everything, he knew the future, the past, his own past lives and every one elses. He knew the ultimate truth, that everything was God, on achieving this ultimate realisation he began to contract, his ego was being allowed to constrain him again. His vastness began to recede from everything he was. Now the universe, then the earth then he descended down in awareness, consciousness. Like a single droplet of water he had disentangled from the ocean back to Frank again and time was allowed to begin.



Like a dream, who`s clarity was by the second dimming, Frank and just about everyone else the world over, tried to cling to the knowledge and understanding that had been theirs only moments ago and as with a dream it was a thankless, pointless task. With the dregs of his super consciousness he understood that the human mind couldn’t cope with the vastness of infinity. There was no jolt as time restarted, it was smooth, seamless, for in this reality there had been no break, there were however effects.


The black guy opposite Frank held his head in his hands and tears streamed down his face, he raised his head and Frank registered the change. Later Frank would consider how remarkable it was that an attitude can alter the whole look of your face and your appearance. The guy looked full, whatever had been missing in his life, he had obviously clung onto it when he had found it in the super conscious state. He oozed love, from the wide open happy eyes draped with tear tracks, that led down to that great grin and as the tears dripped off the end of the recently arrogant chin, his whole body language altered. He turned to the woman and child to his right and offered his hand. Without hesitation she took it, both mouths gaping. Simultaneously shaking their heads they began to quietly laugh. They knew now that they were the same, like different fingers on one hand.


Reactions across the coach were the same, generally quiet but deep, where there had been none, there now existed a genuine sense of community, of humanity. The train clattered into Hampstead and stopped. The doors slid open and even though this was not his destination, Frank stood up to leave the train. People were talking now, lightly and gently, swapping experiences. For a moment Frank considered staying, milking the moment, maybe talking to the woman but no. Action was needed now not reminiscence. Walking toward the open doors his gaze fell on a businessman sitting in the other side of the trains coach, his reaction was altogether different. Wise yet sad eyes sat in complete understanding in that face. At present he was still composed, that would change, sadly, in a few hours. When the calm they all felt, left. Then realisation of the debt that he had to pay would have no cushion. Knowing the certainty of the karma yet to be paid, whilst in super consciousness, was totally different to handling the same understanding in human consciousness, which was where they were all heading rapidly. Frank did n`t know now what atrocities the man had committed in his lives or how he would have to pay for them, but with genuine concern and compassion he fired a sympathetic, loving, smile to the man as he slipped through the doorway. The man, appreciative of the gesture, smiled back, remarkably warmly considering his plight.

Now, on the cold white platform, the chill wind toying with the tufts of his remaining hair, Frank made the decision to go home. Nobody was going to want to make appointments to discuss their finances for some time, intuitively he also understood that no trains would be running for a while. Frank needed to crash out and consider the gift that he and everyone else had been given. He now realised that every moment counted, and that there was a reason for everything. Now he would go home and write down as much as he could remember, before it all went and then he would start to plan. He knew what he was and why he was here, now all he needed to organise was a way back.


Still at a higher level, he mentally clouted away a double pang of desire for nicotine and alcohol and as an after thought, took his cigarette pack from his coat pocket and dispensed it into a nearby bin. That felt good. As he walked home he had a buzz around the crown of his head and a pressure across his forehead and temples. Not an uncomfortable pressure, just enough to remind him, to reinforce the connection he and everyone had to the divine not that he or anybody else needed reminding today, as they had all been given the barest glimpse of themselves and that experience was still oh, so, fresh.



EPILOGUE

Frank moved deliberately, walking with purpose through the bright meditation room. He was slimmer now, having shed a few stone and his shaven head had put pay to the embarrassment he used to feel from the tufts of his remaining hair. His warm smile shed about the empty room as he finished his cleaning duties. Frank collected his cloths and broom, and after executing a deep bow to the empty room, exited with them through to the lounge area. He carefully placed all of the cleaning utensils away in their draw, and with full attention he closed the door. In the far end of the lounge Frank noticed several other monks and acolytes sat around a television set, listening to the news, he walked over and took a seat with them. They all turned and bowed to him as he did and smiled warmly, Frank mirrored them.
`A government report today submitted its findings over the second of the second incident, After a six month investigation the head of the reporting team Sir Peter Du Maurier produced a two hundred and eighty page document outlining the cause of the mass hypnosis/ hysteria incident that appeared to happen world wide last February` Said the presenter on the news, he continued, as pictures of Sir Peter Du Maurier entering the houses of parliament surrounded by a crowd of journalists flashed across the screen. `Sir peter insisted that scientists have explained the mass event as nothing more than apoplexy created by radiation from a massive sun flare which disoriented the worlds collective minds, seeming to cause so called spiritual experiences, the very fact that these experiences co incided with the solar flare and have not been repeated since underpins this fact.` The picture flicked to a government cabinet member who began speaking.` This report substantiates the governments long held view that this was not some new age message from the divine, quiet simply , thankfully, science has been able to explain the event on the second of the second in physical terms and this means at last we can put these foolish theories behind us and move back on with our lives.` A reporter shoved forward and whilst pushing his microphone into the face of the minister asked him. `Surely with seventy of your own party members relinquishing their positions and moving out of government mr Kilbride, it seems that your peers do not seem to have the same feelings about the second of the second. Even Mr Bush in America left his position, claiming that his previous belief in his contact with the divine had been incorrect and he was concerned, as he put it about the karma he had created for himself and others, surely you can`t dismiss this enormous, monumental event in human history as nothing more than a solar flare?`
Mr. Kilbride smiled , and in a friendly manner moved closer to the reporter, `John, you know as I do that many people were deeply disturbed by the event, this report explains what happened as do similar reports in the states and Australia as well as China and Russia, all of our scientists corroborate each other. It is true that some people were so deeply affected by the event that they, and lets be honest here John, they have been mentally disturbed they could no longer effectively hold onto their positions and needed to move on this is what has happened with the people you mentioned, but on the plus side we have managed to replace them with extremely talented politicians and civil servants so the message here is that its normal service is resumed, thank you very much, I have to go now`. And with a smile that travelled all the way to his sneer he turned and left.

One of the monks Alan, asked the people in the room, `May I turn this off?` The four others including Frank nodded and he pushed a button on the remote, dismissing the picture with a thunk.
`Do you think everyone will believe that tosh?` asked Rob an Asian monk, Frank replied, `They will begin the process of diluting the effect, that will allow them to re establish their hold, their power if you like, and in a generation or so, this will be remembered as the sun flare event.`
Do you really think it will disappear just like that? Asked Steve, another of the monks.
From the other side of the room a white haired man entered and joined in the conversation as the others stood and bowed courteously. `If you don`t mind me interjecting`, he said, `It wont disappear, although people in power who are young souls will want it too, this is the dawning of a new era, God has shown his hand as never before, it was necessary, our world, our society is in such a mess. But this `event` is like a stone dropped in water creating a ripple that has waves moving out from it, these waves will cross time. Already so many have been opened up, in a few centuries our society will become more spiritual , then we will be able to handle our technology, not abuse it, but we need a core, a strong foundation of love and understanding of our true nature to begin from, this is what the `event ` was sent to do. We all now know, that we are not really human, that this is just a role we play whilst our spirits inhabit these bodies. What we do with this knowledge is up to us, as it always has been, we still have free will. We can ignore it and sink back into playing the human game or we can acknowledge it and aspire to become once again divine, it is as simple as that my friends, now let us pray`.
And they did.