Jokes - one-liners/question and answers!

[Kiran]

Originally Posted by amy green

Stewart Francis Stand Up Jokes

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

"I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice."

"I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth."

"I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer."

"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."

"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me"

"I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified"

"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic"

"My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife"

"Crime in a multi storey car park....that's just wrong...on so many levels..."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/stewartfrancisjokes.html

Ha ha... these ones are good

Glad you liked them Kiran - shame they came too late to provide chuckles on your birthday. Anyway, hope you had a good day.

- Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken non-entity (Barbara StanwycK)

- I used to be indecisive.....now...I'm not so sure.

- Some people hear voices, some see invisible people - others have no imagination whatsoever.

[Silver]

I highly endorse this thread!

Gee thanks Silvergirl - I have to say though that I still think Tammy's "Makes Me Smile" thread easily beats this for laughs...it's hilarious! (It's in the Members Only category - Your Space section)

Here is the latest on the top 10 funniest jokes on this summer's Edinburgh Fringe festival:-

1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner

6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis

9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar

(Sorry - the 11th one, below, isn't a joke....forgot to delete my signature!)

I find this movie quote funny.

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ***... and I'm all out of bubblegum. - "THEY LIVE -1988"

A stupid one I made up

What do you get if you leave your dog in the sun for too long? A hotdog.

SOULWHISPERER

More Stewart Francis 1 Liners (since you like him most on this thread!)

The pollen count.....now that's a difficult job

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.....

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me "Son...................."

I really like what mechanics wear.....overall.....

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....they didn't respond to my telegram.......

I used to be a mime.....but now I can talk about it......

I manufactured clown shoes.....which was no small feat...........

What is the big deal about train spotters.......I counted 27 of the losers today........

I want to write a mystery novel.......or do I?.......

I quit my job at the helium gas factory....I refuse to be spoken to in that tone....

I have mixed-race parents.....my father prefers 100 meters.....

My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.......

Here are a couple more Steve Wright one-liners:-

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I say "Come here, Stay!" After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

[Kiran]

Cool jokes :)