In a Rut of Anger and Bitterness

[thepuglife]

I don't think this is just my normal disposition. I can be very sweet and have a bright outlook on life. That is not the case right now though.

Right now I'm angry and tired. My doctor has switched my medications around and my brain is not happy. I'm not happy. And I'm angry with all of the people around me that are. I don't want to be angry with them, it just hurts to see them smiling without me. To see them interacting normally with eachother. I'm tired of being "mentally ill". I'm tired of being tired all the time too.

I know that whatever challenges I'm facing in my life are ones I chose for myself before it started. I know that if I don't work on this lesson now, I'll keep working on it in this and other lives until I've mastered it, dragging out these same pains over hundreds of years if necessary. I know this and yet I still want to hide like a little child and demand that its not fair, that it hurts too much. I think I took on far more than I was ready for, without a solid support system in place. I want to give up but I'm afraid I'll be too ashamed if I quit and its not this body's fault that I wasn't prepared.

I read through previous posts before writing my own, looking for similiar mentions of anger and bitterness and ways to work through them.

I liked a reply written by wolfgaze that quoted Michael Singer's The Untethered Soul. I haven't read that whole book personally (though I do intend to now) but I feel that all the negative stored energy patterns, Samskara, could be playing a part in my inability to find my way out of this terrible rut. I have always had issues with emotional instability and not dealing with them quite right.

I looked into emotional release meditations but I've been having a terribly difficult time meditating sense switching to a new mood stabilizer medication. My mind tends to wander when I'm not busy doing something now, it's even happening that way during yoga. It helps with other things like obsessive skin picking though so I want to stay on it. This has added to my mounting frustration over everything. I'm trying to find ways to fix the problems I see in my life but when I fix one thing, something else breaks and I'm overwelmed.

I'm hoping for suggestions

[wolfgaze]

Hey ThePugLife (great username!)

Glad to hear you'll be exploring that book. I hope you experience some relief soon... Hang in there...

[Golden Eagle]

SEE:

"Anger: Cooling The Flames" by Thich Nhat Hahn

[Tobi]

I used to get angry when I was younger. Usually when I felt 'pinned down' by something....circumstance, weariness, situations. I used to go outside and smash my fist against the poor garden shed, or kick it. I never even felt the pain. (The garden shed needed new planks regularly!)
Attacks on the garden shed were among the more benign things I did. I also attacked milk bottles and unsuspecting perpetrators of injustice.

My husband -rest his Soul -said I was a "bit of a firebrand" LOL

I think it is a natural 'fight-back' response, very deep set and although definitely something to work on, not something to feel ashamed of or beat yourself up about.
In a primeval type situation if something made you feel like that, then raising a lot of strong energy suddenly, and fighting back hard against it could have ensured survival!

I cannot feel that anger any more. It just melted away over the years and like a stone changed in shape by the water of my life, I have changed shape. But I certainly do understand. I get traces of it on rare occasions, particularly when something stupid and negative happens repeatedly (like silly computer won't work....etc) Yes, something as transient and ridiculous as that! But I catch the feeling as it's brewing and change it just because it doesn't suit my purpose any more and I dearly want to be what I am becoming -not what I was.
Strangely enough it isn't as damaging as I thought....changing that feeling. Nothing is repressed, it just shifts shape. I have found humour to be helpful, and holding onto my purpose. I look on it as a small challenge, like any other job to be done etc.

Tiredness means something is amiss, though. Maybe the anger is trying to tell you something? About something which is out of alignment or needs to be changed in your life? If the tiredness is caused by illness, then the illness needs thorough help and support. If it's caused by life circumstances, then something needs to be addressed, changed, altered in some way, even if an accustomed lifestyle has to bend a little. If it's from lack of sleep, then better/more sleep is required!

[thepuglife]

wolfgaze:
Thank you! My pug is the little light of my life. and I'm doing my best

Golden Eagle:
I read daily and will gladly add this one to my list. Thank you

Tobi:
After thinking on my situation as it is now, I realize that I tend to feel angry and act aggressively when I feel "pinned down" as well. I've been feeling that way a lot over the past year and the build up of aggression and bitterness has become quite spectacular.

Before I logged on here tonight I was still trying to make myself feel better about the move I have decided to make and reading your reply was incredibly helpful. I do believe this change is necessary for me to begin to let go of all this poison. There is so much of the anger built up that it seems very daunting to even start bleeding it off.

I thank you for your response, it was much appreciated.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by thepuglife

wolfgaze:
Thank you! My pug is the little light of my life. and I'm doing my best

I feel the same way about my dog (german shepherd mutt)...

Another good book by Thich Nhat Hanh is, Taming the Tiger Within

Originally Posted by Good Reads Review

Taming the Tiger Within is a handbook of meditations, analogies, and reflections that offer pragmatic techniques for diffusing anger, converting fear, and cultivating love in every arena of life-a wise and exquisite guide for bringing harmony and healing to one's life and relationships.

Acclaimed scholar, peace activist, and Buddhist master revered by people of all faiths, Thich Nhat Hanh has inspired millions worldwide with his insight into the human heart and mind. Now he focuses his profound spiritual wisdom on the basic human emotions everyone struggles with on a daily basis.

Link to review

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by thepuglife

wolfgaze:
Thank you! My pug is the little light of my life. and I'm doing my best

Golden Eagle:
I read daily and will gladly add this one to my list. Thank you

Tobi:
After thinking on my situation as it is now, I realize that I tend to feel angry and act aggressively when I feel "pinned down" as well. I've been feeling that way a lot over the past year and the build up of aggression and bitterness has become quite spectacular.

Before I logged on here tonight I was still trying to make myself feel better about the move I have decided to make and reading your reply was incredibly helpful. I do believe this change is necessary for me to begin to let go of all this poison. There is so much of the anger built up that it seems very daunting to even start bleeding it off.

I thank you for your response, it was much appreciated.

I love the description of your aggression and bitterness being spectacular. They are and they are all yours. A part of you that I think maybe you want to destroy and maybe it's impossible?