My family wants to re-connect

Hey there everyone,
I was wondering what others think/belief about the following.
To me it is a problem, that gives me a lot of stress, it makes me down as well.

It is about my family on my fathers side. I am 30 years old now, and have not seen them for about 16 to 18 years (depending on which family member).
Which means I was about 12 to 14 when I last met them. And before that, it was only once a year, or even less.

The reason why the contact stopped all together was because me and my own family (me, my brother, sister, mother and father) where in a crisis for some years already.
My father and mother split up, my father has schizofrenia, my mother had become addicted to alcohol through time. Her mother had been as well, and my father was agressive in his schizofrenic state sometimes. She loved him so much that she could not let him go, and that broke her, she became addicted.
Both are very loving and beautiful people, but very hurt and lost at that time.

We lived with my mother, while she was totally lost and drinking so much that she could not stand or walk during the day. Crying all the time, and being in physical danger every single day. Because she could fall of the stairs, or somewhere on the road, or drink herself to death.
We had very little money, and all the problems that come from that. And our house was a smelling mess.
We, as children, where very alone. There was no help.
It was partly my fault, because as a child I tried to protect my mother by keeping the problems a secret as much as I could.
But looking back now, I see that there where many adults, that actually did know, and turned their backs.
Part of them was my.. well.. whole family really.
Both on my fathers, as on my mothers side.
We where completely alone.

And now, the family on my fathers side has been trying to contact me for about a year now. Because my fathers mother (grandmother) is now old and she wants to see me.
I know that everyone will think it is harsh, but I do not want to meet her.
She might be old now.. but she left us and did not help us. She was also an adult that could have helped and cared.
And now, for her own peace of mind, she probably wants to have me over for a tea, so that she can feel that she has solved it.
It makes me angry.

I feel lots of different things. One is, that she never cared, so why now?
Two is, that she wants to do this for her own peace of mind, so it seems. So it feels very.. one-sided? I hope that is the right word.
Three, there is a 'pressure' like feeling from the family, that I should do it 'because I am family'.
But to me, after so many years.. there is no connection at all. Why am I family to them so suddenly? I do not know them anymore, and they do not know me 'at all' either.

So, a couple of months ago I wrote her a letter. Telling her that I do not want to re-connect with the family and why, that I am not angry with her, but just do not feel up to it, and that I truly wish her all the best. I tried my hardest to explain it in a way that would not hurt her and give her peace. As far as I could.

But she keeps on going and going, sending things, calling etc.
And now my aunt, of my fathers side, is inviting me to a party..
To me it feels like 'what? a party? how can I ever enjoy a party with a bunch of now total strangers that abandoned us when I was a child in total need of help'. It does not really create the party mood, does it?

I do not want them in my life, I do not trust them and I feel loads of pressure from them to do what they want me to do.
It is family.. true.. but............ is it really?
It hurts me, every time they contact me, because I feel the blackness of being totally alone all over again. And the realization, as a child, that no-one in this whole wide word.. cares, not even family. That is what they taught me, and that is something that settled in my being so strongly that I still struggle often, when meeting new people and trusting them.

I know better, there are good people, true friends and loving persons all around. People that do care a lot.
To me, those people are family.

My real family.. are people that make me afraid of being left alone. I do not want to meet them or re-connect. Not even with my grandmother.

Is this wrong? Should I do it for her sake, because she is old?
To me that feels very.. unnatural.
What do you guys think?

I wish they would just let me be. As they always did.. so why bother me now and make me feel bad about not being connected to them?

[Visitor]

Hello Maple-tree.

Originally Posted by Maple-tree

....
Is this wrong? Should I do it for her sake, because she is old?
To me that feels very.. unnatural.
What do you guys think?

I wish they would just let me be. As they always did.. so why bother me now and make me feel bad about not being connected to them?

My story is very different but the family isolation is similar.
This is what I have learnt from such circumstances. What I will tell you is short and simple because any further explanation may miss the point.

Seems like everybody concerned with your story are adults, and fully responsible for their own thoughts and actions.
Regarding your grandmother. I would do whatever it is that will not create future regret in my life.
If it means for me to visit my grandmother, just for her sake, I would. To me it is my way of showing my love, regardless of her not visiting me.
If it means for me to just leave it the way it is, then I would do that too.
But the thing is, I do not wish to create a regret in my life. They tend to hang onto my memory - forever. IMHO.

Regarding the last part of your question. Nobody can make you feel a particular way, unless you choose to feel that way.

Hey there Visitor,
Thank you very much for your reply.
It is very much like what my partner said to me, he wants me to be at peace, with whatever I decide.
I decided to write to them, that I do not wish to re-connect with them. I explained why.
I asked them to please stop pushing me, and that I wish them the best.

I feel better now :)

And you where right in your last sentence. I should use my common sense to know that I have no reason to feel bad about myself in this situation.
I am too easy to manipulate, really.. because I am too scared of not being seen as 'nice', I believe everything people want me to believe. I want them to like me, so I believe whatever they are saying. Even when it is manipulative and for no-ones best interest.
But letting that happen is my own doing, thank you for turning the lightbulb back on :)
I should be clear and true in everything that I decide, and not decide things because others want to. Like a puppet on strings.

[12meadows]

Maple-tree, It sounds like you have done what will sit well with you. it was a very healthy thing for you to write them, explain your feelings, explain your wishes. try not to hold resentment towards them. I too come from a very unhealthy family and maybe they didn't know that things were as bad as they really were. maybe they felt like even though they were concerned- you were not their children and it wasn't their place. maybe they were just in denial (very probable). I am not saying these things to defend them. I feel like it is important for you to understand that there are always things that are beyond our individual perception- circumstances that we may not aware of and that resentment is toxic. take a deep breath and let it go. do what is right to you and be at peace. I wish you well :)

[jenriggs]

Forgiveness is key here. Start new. They are your family. It may be a good thing, and you might reconnect with them and actually start a good relationship. If you dont, you may always wonder "what if?" At least give it a try. i know its easier to he resentful than to forgive, but the heart grows when you try. If your grandmother wants to meet you, regardless of her age, it seems she cares enough to start a relationship with you.

Edit: I will write back later on :)

Hi Maple-tree
Have you ever asked them why they weren't there for you when you needed them? Everybody has reasons for behaving the way they do, and knowing why may help you to understand and release the feeling of resentment and betrayal you are holding onto. If you just walk away (and I totally get why this is so tempting) you are hurting yourself and denying yourself the opportunity of healing this wound.

[linen53]

My first instinct is to side with you 100%.

But my story is different than what my first instincts would allow me to do.

One of my uncles on my mother's side was cruel and lay awake at night (I was sure) thinking up new ways to torture me. I hated him for many years after I grew up. It wasn't until I reconnected with his 2 daughters when I was in my 50's that I found out he was bipolar.

You have to understand my years being subjected to his cruelty was in the 1950's way before there was a mental illness called bipolar. When I understood the full concept of his state of mind back then I was not only able to forgive him but to love him as well.

What I am saying is you cannot go forward with your father's family while there is dirt under the carpet. That is obvious. So you need to call a family get-together but not for a party. Stipulate it is to talk and clear the air and answer your questions. If they are willing to get serious for awhile to allow you to get answers and heal then you might want a relationship with them, or maybe not. But at least you will have seen it from the adult's perspective (the complete picture).

[Captain]

Originally Posted by pathfinder

Hi Maple-tree
Have you ever asked them why they weren't there for you when you needed them? Everybody has reasons for behaving the way they do, and knowing why may help you to understand and release the feeling of resentment and betrayal you are holding onto. If you just walk away (and I totally get why this is so tempting) you are hurting yourself and denying yourself the opportunity of healing this wound.

I agree with this. You may be surprised at what you hear. Perhaps your parents told them to stay away?

Always seize the opportunity to be the bigger person, because this type of situation doesn't come around that often. Always allow the nobility of your character to reign. Connecting with them may be the only ticket to heal the pain of your childhood. Forgiveness is key. Good luck!