Chasing spiritual highs

[shivatar]

The spiritual high is the best high. Better than drugs, better than love, better than death. Of all the things I've experienced nothing comes close to the spiritual high.

I experienced the peak of it once. It was in this life too, I'm not talking about some vision of a past life or theory of what is possible.

It has recently occured to me that I'm not very interested in helping others, or even being a part of their journey really. All I want is my own spiritual high.

Ironically, and apparently God loves irony, the only time I experienced the supreme height was when I didn't want to. When I had no desire at all, only surrender, pure and true surrender, was the only time.

Now that state seems impossible to reach, having tasted the peak how could I ever want to let go again...

eugh, I just feel miserable. Chasing these ghosts and trying to find that high again. I'm haunted by the knowledge of how good things can be, and haunted by the reality I wake up to everyday being different from what I know is possible. The only answer is I'm not who I was then, what I experienced then is not available to me now because I've changed. I can't help but think I've become less, that somehow I've mis-used my gift and been cursed to my current existence until I can somehow move past it.

My life is better in almost every way since then too. I'm successful at work, I'm meditating and practicing good health habits, I'm becoming wiser and more knowledgable about myself. It seems like I'm doing everything possible to reach that supreme high again but it just won't give in. I feel like I'm trying to solve the most difficult puzzle in the universe and if I could just find the solution like I once did I'll be ok.

What I want is the feeling of the supreme height. Not just the knowledge. The knowledge has become stale to me, without the experience there is no point in having the knowledge. And for some reason my body isn't giving me the experience, no matter how hard I try. Perhaps it's time to look for a teacher, or many teachers.

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by shivatar

The spiritual high is the best high. Better than drugs, better than love, better than death. Of all the things I've experienced nothing comes close to the spiritual high.

I experienced the peak of it once. It was in this life too, I'm not talking about some vision of a past life or theory of what is possible.

It has recently occured to me that I'm not very interested in helping others, or even being a part of their journey really. All I want is my own spiritual high.

Ironically, and apparently God loves irony, the only time I experienced the supreme height was when I didn't want to. When I had no desire at all, only surrender, pure and true surrender, was the only time.

Now that state seems impossible to reach, having tasted the peak how could I ever want to let go again...

eugh, I just feel miserable. Chasing these ghosts and trying to find that high again. I'm haunted by the knowledge of how good things can be, and haunted by the reality I wake up to everyday being different from what I know is possible. The only answer is I'm not who I was then, what I experienced then is not available to me now because I've changed. I can't help but think I've become less, that somehow I've mis-used my gift and been cursed to my current existence until I can somehow move past it.

My life is better in almost every way since then too. I'm successful at work, I'm meditating and practicing good health habits, I'm becoming wiser and more knowledgable about myself. It seems like I'm doing everything possible to reach that supreme high again but it just won't give in. I feel like I'm trying to solve the most difficult puzzle in the universe and if I could just find the solution like I once did I'll be ok.

What I want is the feeling of the supreme height. Not just the knowledge. The knowledge has become stale to me, without the experience there is no point in having the knowledge. And for some reason my body isn't giving me the experience, no matter how hard I try. Perhaps it's time to look for a teacher, or many teachers.

well, even the egyptians couldn't just float the top of a pyramid in the air... they made a broad base which narrowed as it rose... and the height of the pyramid was a function of the base. Then the top of the pyramid was supported naturally.

What I'm saying is, if you want to go high, you might need to look to what is low first as you may want a foundation.

[wstein]

Originally Posted by shivatar

All I want is my own spiritual high.

Ironically, and apparently God loves irony, the only time I experienced the supreme height was when I didn't want to. When I had no desire at all, only surrender, pure and true surrender, was the only time.

Now that state seems impossible to reach, having tasted the peak how could I ever want to let go again...

[...]

What I want is the feeling of the supreme height. Not just the knowledge. The knowledge has become stale to me, without the experience there is no point in having the knowledge. And for some reason my body isn't giving me the experience, no matter how hard I try. Perhaps it's time to look for a teacher, or many teachers.

First, you might consider if you want the state or just the feeling.

I am curious why if you want that 'high' so much are you not willing to do what it takes to get there (When I had no desire at all, only surrender, pure and true surrender)? You don't need a teacher, you already know how.

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by wstein

(When I had no desire at all, only surrender, pure and true surrender).

Nothing more I can add to this.

[sunnyray]

Originally Posted by shivatar

It seems like I'm doing everything possible to reach that supreme high again but it just won't give in. I feel like I'm trying to solve the most difficult puzzle in the universe and if I could just find the solution like I once did I'll be ok.

I think I understand what you mean. Maybe the solution is to stop trying and embrace what's currently happening to you. I believe the door to our higher self is accepting the here and now, the present moment, totally and without reserve.

Originally Posted by shivatar

My life is better in almost every way since then too. I'm successful at work, I'm meditating and practicing good health habits, I'm becoming wiser and more knowledgable about myself. It seems like I'm doing everything possible to reach that supreme high again but it just won't give in. I feel like I'm trying to solve the most difficult puzzle in the universe and if I could just find the solution like I once did I'll be ok.

Here's the difference between what you want and what you need, and most people can't get their heads around that one. Wanting is egoic and not having is low vibration so that Spiritual high isn't going to fit into that space because the vibrations are very different. Considering you're gaining success and knowledge of yourself many would call that a bonus, many won't come close to that their whole Lives. Yet here you are, it's not good enough. There are some not-Spiritual words I could use here.

Originally Posted by shivatar

When I had no desire at all, only surrender, pure and true surrender, was the only time.

[Baile]

I chase nothing. I live. One day is high (most days), one low, one day might be quite spiritually inspiring, the next dealing with mundane physical tasks like the car needing a new exhaust system, ugh.

[In Flux]

What if you had another spiritual high, wouldn't you then end up in the same situation again? (chasing the next one :-) )

[Shivani Devi]

When I was very young and not knowing any better, I used to go chasing rainbows because I heard there was a pot of gold at the end of one.

I saw a rainbow in the field and thought "aha, I got this" and set off to find my own personal little leprechaun....I was a very naive child.

From the hillside above, I could hear my brother yell "you are already in the rainbow" and yet, to me, the rainbow seemed far away.

I was like "what do you mean, I am in the rainbow? it is way over there" and of course, my brother yells back "no, it is not - you are standing right in it! I can see it!" yet I could not find that pot of gold...so I yelled back "where's the pot of gold then?"

It's all a matter of perspective. Years later, I found the end of the rainbow and I found my 'pot of gold' and all I had to do was just sit in the one spot for long enough.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by In Flux

What if you had another spiritual high, wouldn't you then end up in the same situation again? (chasing the next one :-) )

You reach a point in your life where you don't chase anything anymore. Partly due to life-wisdom gained and partly because it's way too tiring.