Stuck between two abusive relationships

[ohno22]

I'm dating a guy for many years who used to be abusive to me and I was emotionally abusive to him. He has hard time dealing with emotions and doesn't understand why he acts certain way. That brought up the worst in me. We were both testing how much we care for each other.

That led to many problems between us and I cheated on him with a guy who seemed perfect for me, but turned out to be even more abusive. In the end that new guy left me. In spite of abuse I hoped we'd spend a life time together.

I spent half a year alone and then got back together with my first boyfriend. He made a lot of progress and we don't fight anymore and he is nice to me.

Problem is that when he does a little mistake my alarms for red flags go on and I freak out and disappear on him. I can't help him understand his mistake, so we end up taking breaks to think and cool down and get back together again.

Another problem is when we're not together I miss my other abusive ex and I sort of hope if he contacted me at that vulnerable time, I would run to him. Part of me wants to revenge my boyfriend, another one wants to hurt me for allowing myself to be treated this way. At that time I seem to lose all feelings for my boyfriend and I don't feel love at all.

The last problem is that I'm excited with little drama and domination as long as it doesn't overstep my boundaries and really healthy men are not a dating material for me at all.

I know how immature this is, but I'd really like to break free from this patterns and I don't know how do it. Honestly, part of me doesn't want to because it makes my life fun and I feel alive, but I think I'm hurting my boyfriend by it more than myself. Most of it he is doing unconsciously and I'm playing intentional game.

I don't even know why I wrote this and what my question is, but if you have anything to say, I'd appreciate it.