At a Weird Place

[dragoneyes]

Ever since the new year, things feel a little weird. Recently I saw my twin briefly about a month ago.
Since then, he has reached out to me twice. A family member of mine passed away and he told me he will always be here for me and if I need anything to please ask. This is unlike him in the past. He has never really said anything beyond nice like that to me so it took me by surprise but I responded and thanked him.

I haven't contacted him since then, its been a few weeks. I believe that he is waiting for me, but I just can't face him. I feel the fear now full force. I am scared after so much work that i've done on myself that If I see him.. it will all fall apart again and he will hurt me.
I think i'm running from this now, but I get the feeling from him that his previous girlfriend didn't work out and the first thing he does it contact me.. that maybe he sees what we have now.

But the funny thing is, I don't really feel as strong as a desperation to see him as in the past. I don't know if it's because it's been a while and things have balanced or maybe the work i've done on myself has paid off.
I am struggling inside with letting him be and not contacting him and contacting him because I still do miss him dearly and I would love to see him, but I'm not sure I can.
Then I worry that now i'm running from this and he will give up, but I just can't bring myself to see him even though my heart wants to.
I don't want to ruin it again, and all I wanted was for him to come back to me a few months ago, and now that he did, i'm scared.

[TheGlow]

Not in a weird place. I think you are where you are suppose to be.
You should be scared. Now you know you matter too. The stakes have increased.

If it's to be, for it to be right, isn't it his turn to grow?
once he has grown you won't have to be scared.
Trust your intuition.the inner knowing, not the fear but the voice that guides.

[BlueCat]

I have also I some fear but in my case we are far away to be ready especially on his side. I suggest to wait and see if he is REALLY ready sooner or later to try something more, also be cautious and never start anything if he feels very doubtful or insecure, let him heal from his previous relationship too. Attention is never enough in this phase.

[dragoneyes]

Thanks. It makes more sense now.
I suppose I know that i'm at least close to be being ready (I think) but if he's not then we won't get anywhere, and my intuition is telling me that he's not.

So once i'm not scared anymore, that's my inner knowing telling me that he has grown and is ready? That sounds about right.
I always try to rush things because i'm worried that if I don't act upon his calling or give the impression I don't want to see him, then he will run away and never come back. abandonment issues I guess, still need working on.

Plus, I feel that he would fight harder if he really did believe he was ready. Seeing as he was the one who moved on and all.

[BlueCat]

Your intuition is right about he isn't ready, you can feel their energy not being 100% ready due to fears, hurt and pain, also when a broken heart happens it take some time (months usually) to be into an unconditional love state and heal the pain. Try to be always here, leave the connection open but make yourself busy as well with anything (hobby or job etc) and yes never rush because it's never good. See how many rushed into relationships or marriages got hurt fast and break up, love can wait and it's worth the wait.

[taurusnsane]

the stage your in, everything is like it should be. feel the balance, and when your ready he will reach out again. just go with the flow and if youre grounded enough, there wont be a misbalance, so dont worry about going back to zero

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by dragoneyes

I am scared after so much work that i've done on myself that If I see him.. it will all fall apart again and he will hurt me.

Hi dragoneyes...



When a person conducts real and substantive 'inner work' - it results in changes/developments that are permanent. It affects you on the level of altering your state of consciousness and elevating your degree of awareness. It does not yield some temporary, fragile condition that, much like a house of cards, is susceptible to coming tumbling down at the slightest disturbance. This does not mean that you cannot experience deviations from your current state of being, or that you won't face future challenging situations/circumstances down the road - it just means that the changes that you have generated within yourself as a result of that 'work' you've done cannot be 'lost' as if they were some possession you were holding onto.

Also, a reminder that the 'inner work' that you do is done for you and your own betterment, independent of anyone else. It's not done in the name of obtaining or securing something (like a relationship) which stems from the influence of expectations, wishes, or desires. So I would encourage you to perceive the changes/developments that have transpired within you with a sense of permanence as well as independence - and let go of the fear that you are going to revert back to a former undesired state of being that you had previously experienced. You are not the same person that you were at that earlier time in your life.

The most effective way to avoid getting 'hurt' is to do your best to maintain a heightened state of awareness (regarding what you are engaging in) and to temper your expectations. If you are operating from a state of decreased awareness, you are prone to not seeing the circumstances for what they really are. And if you allow your emotional desires and expectations to run wild - well then you get ahead of yourself and put yourself in a position where you are prone/vulnerable to disappointment and let-down... You're in the driver's seat when it comes to exercising control and authority over your state of being. Its not the external circumstances/conditions that dictate your internal state of being - but how you choose to perceive them and react to them. How you choose to perceive and react to them is going to be regulated by your state of consciousness and your degree of awareness.

Lastly, before you ended your post you made a reference to being scared of 'ruining it'... What is it that you are truly scared of ruining? I'm not talking about the surface-level and literal answer of 'the relationship' - but if you were to perceive this matter more deeply and contemplate what it is it that this idealized 'relationship' with this individual represents in reference to your internal state of being. Try to temporarily detach from your usual vantage point and assume the role of 'the observer' - pretend you are viewing someone else who is experiencing these very circumstances. What does relationship signify to the person? Are there possible insecurities, inadequacies, fears, emotional wounds, and/or a lack of self-acceptance present that serves to create the impression that such a relationship will play the role of being the 'savior' of one's self? Is the relationship looked upon as being the only source of something that is deeply coveted and has not yet been found and generated within oneself? These are the important questions to ask yourself and contemplate the answers to. Through exploring these challenging questions you will come to fully understand the true nature of the fear that is present and why the surface level circumstances are influencing you to feel vulnerable. What is happening lies beneath the surface and runs much deeper than simply two individuals and a relationship or no relationship. You've got to push yourself to dig even deeper in order to uncover the heart of the matter. When you do this sufficiently you will see everything clearly and you will rise above the fear.

Kind Regards,
~WOLF

[dragoneyes]

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

Hi dragoneyes...



When a person conducts real and substantive 'inner work' - it results in changes/developments that are permanent. It affects you on the level of altering your state of consciousness and elevating your degree of awareness. It does not yield some temporary, fragile condition that, much like a house of cards, is susceptible to coming tumbling down at the slightest disturbance. This does not mean that you cannot experience deviations from your current state of being, or that you won't face future challenging situations/circumstances down the road - it just means that the changes that you have generated within yourself as a result of that 'work' you've done cannot be 'lost' as if they were some possession you were holding onto.

Also, a reminder that the 'inner work' that you do is done for you and your own betterment, independent of anyone else. It's not done in the name of obtaining or securing something (like a relationship) which stems from the influence of expectations, wishes, or desires. So I would encourage you to perceive the changes/developments that have transpired within you with a sense of permanence as well as independence - and let go of the fear that you are going to revert back to a former undesired state of being that you had previously experienced. You are not the same person that you were at that earlier time in your life.

The most effective way to avoid getting 'hurt' is to do your best to maintain a heightened state of awareness (regarding what you are engaging in) and to temper your expectations. If you are operating from a state of decreased awareness, you are prone to not seeing the circumstances for what they really are. And if you allow your emotional desires and expectations to run wild - well then you get ahead of yourself and put yourself in a position where you are prone/vulnerable to disappointment and let-down... You're in the driver's seat when it comes to exercising control and authority over your state of being. Its not the external circumstances/conditions that dictate your internal state of being - but how you choose to perceive them and react to them. How you choose to perceive and react to them is going to be regulated by your state of consciousness and your degree of awareness.

Lastly, before you ended your post you made a reference to being scared of 'ruining it'... What is it that you are truly scared of ruining? I'm not talking about the surface-level and literal answer of 'the relationship' - but if you were to perceive this matter more deeply and contemplate what it is it that this idealized 'relationship' with this individual represents in reference to your internal state of being. Try to temporarily detach from your usual vantage point and assume the role of 'the observer' - pretend you are viewing someone else who is experiencing these very circumstances. What does relationship signify to the person? Are there possible insecurities, inadequacies, fears, emotional wounds, and/or a lack of self-acceptance present that serves to create the impression that such a relationship will play the role of being the 'savior' of one's self? Is the relationship looked upon as being the only source of something that is deeply coveted and has not yet been found and generated within oneself? These are the important questions to ask yourself and contemplate the answers to. Through exploring these challenging questions you will come to fully understand the true nature of the fear that is present and why the surface level circumstances are influencing you to feel vulnerable. What is happening lies beneath the surface and runs much deeper than simply two individuals and a relationship or no relationship. You've got to push yourself to dig even deeper in order to uncover the heart of the matter. When you do this sufficiently you will see everything clearly and you will rise above the fear.

Kind Regards,
~WOLF

Thanks Wolf. I get what you're saying. I do feel i've made that step forward in my growth to where I won't get AS disappointed or hurt.. but when It comes to this guy, this slightest thing he says or does sends me into a really low point if it's not what I am expecting. Lowering my expectations are the best way obviously, but it's easier said than done. I can tell myself I don't expect anything and to not be upset because I know I am now stable, but i'm still quite weak when it comes to matters of the heart/love. I am doing just fine and take no **** from certain friends or family that haven't really been positive influences on my life and I don't let any of that get to me because I know my value and my worth.
Maybe it will be different now than before.. maybe he won't affect me, I think i'm more fearful of the fear of that feeling happening again.
I don't think I'm really looking to him to 'complete' me anymore, hence the fact that I don't really feel that same desperate feeling to see him. I am doing really well, enjoying my time by myself and i've been in sort of a hibernation mode for the last sixth months healing myself and really taking the time to love me and I'm there for the most part.
The thing is, I still want him in my life, and I know now that it's not only to complete me. Rather, I want him as a friend and companion next to me as an added bonus to my already nice life. I know the feeling of looking for someone to complete you, because that used to be me and that used to be this relationship... but I just feel now that it's different. I've had many opportunities to be with other men and to be in a relationship for the sole purpose of someone to complete me or to get the attention i'm seeking.. but i've never been with any of them. I usually dart away after the first date because I have it within myself and I don't want their interference if it's not the right one.

Who knows.. I'm still trying to figure this all out
All I know is that i've definitely taken a step or many steps forward and i'm happy about it.. now it's just time to decide/see who stays and who goes with me..so I think that's the place i'm at right now.
Thanks for your words though.. i'm going to try to dive deeper into this and really evaluate what it is i'm fearing and try to dissect it.

[dragoneyes]

Originally Posted by taurusnsane

the stage your in, everything is like it should be. feel the balance, and when your ready he will reach out again. just go with the flow and if youre grounded enough, there wont be a misbalance, so dont worry about going back to zero

Thanks. this is the first time i've felt this balance so it's new to me, so you think not contacting him is best if I don't feel sure it's right?

[TheGlow]

Originally Posted by dragoneyes

Thanks Wolf. I get what you're saying. I do feel i've made that step forward in my growth to where I won't get AS disappointed or hurt.. but when It comes to this guy, this slightest thing he says or does sends me into a really low point if it's not what I am expecting. Lowering my expectations are the best way obviously, but it's easier said than done. I can tell myself I don't expect anything and to not be upset because I know I am now stable, but i'm still quite weak when it comes to matters of the heart/love. I am doing just fine and take no **** from certain friends or family that haven't really been positive influences on my life and I don't let any of that get to me because I know my value and my worth.
Maybe it will be different now than before.. maybe he won't affect me, I think i'm more fearful of the fear of that feeling happening again.
I don't think I'm really looking to him to 'complete' me anymore, hence the fact that I don't really feel that same desperate feeling to see him. I am doing really well, enjoying my time by myself and i've been in sort of a hibernation mode for the last sixth months healing myself and really taking the time to love me and I'm there for the most part.
The thing is, I still want him in my life, and I know now that it's not only to complete me. Rather, I want him as a friend and companion next to me as an added bonus to my already nice life. I know the feeling of looking for someone to complete you, because that used to be me and that used to be this relationship... but I just feel now that it's different. I've had many opportunities to be with other men and to be in a relationship for the sole purpose of someone to complete me or to get the attention i'm seeking.. but i've never been with any of them. I usually dart away after the first date because I have it within myself and I don't want their interference if it's not the right one.

Who knows.. I'm still trying to figure this all out
All I know is that i've definitely taken a step or many steps forward and i'm happy about it.. now it's just time to decide/see who stays and who goes with me..so I think that's the place i'm at right now.
Thanks for your words though.. i'm going to try to dive deeper into this and really evaluate what it is i'm fearing and try to dissect it.

I get this. I think our paths may have been sort of simular.
As I was healing I would think I was fine then he could say or do something that would destroy me. No one in my life has ever had that kind of effect.
I didn't even think I was attached to an outcome but clearly I was if his simple words or behavior could turn me inside out.

I'd say I've released attachments now but I'm still being cautious, you never know when he will bring attention to my another. lol I'd rather release them all first. :)

So I understand the uneasiness. im more attached to my healthier state of mind and happiness than I am attached to getting hurt again.

i found its not worth struggling against the flow. The universe will guide you where you are meant to be and at the right time. To be guided we have to stop resisting the guidance.

Be well dragoneyes