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A new point in my journey + several updates, questions
Where do I even begin? It's been a long time since I posted here and even longer since I was very forthcoming about the point I am at in my journey. First thing's first: the most important thing is that I am way more emotionally stable and secure in myself than I was 12, even six months ago. The love I have for my twin was so strong that it was difficult to feel steady even in my own body, due to the separation. But my spiritual journey post meeting my Twin and separating from him has been worth all the pain, because I'm in such a better place.
So I met my twin in January 2015 and our love was very instant and very intense. No barriers, no walls, absolute vulnerability and harmony and connection and an effortless friendship + romance + sexuality that almost automatically beget love. He was so damaged and so broken but to me, he was perfect in his soul. I recognized this long before I learned what a twin flame was (nine months after our separation). In fact, the 5D feelings for Twin were so overwhelming to my 3D body that I spent a large amount of time around him crying... out of love, out of joy, out of fear. Basically what I felt was so intense and overwhelming (usually in a good way!) that I felt like a vessel overflowing. I could not contain what I felt so it just spilled out. He reciprocated everything but simultaneously seemed very nervous and scared of me. Once we separated physically in February 2015 and he wasn't looking at me/touching me daily, he started finding ways to push me away. If you'll go back and read my previous posts you'll know that the separation from him was the most painful period of my life. I could not get out of bed for months, lost about 20% of my body weight and basically felt like a house that was broken to rubble. My task was to rebuild. Six months later, I began dating, but basically my task was just to love myself as well as I could. It took a long time but I began the process of healing myself.
Fast forward to summer of 2016 and I got wind that Twin was recording a new solo album. He released it on my birthday that fall but I was not able to get my hands on a copy until a month later (by which point I was dating a new guy, P, the first person I was able to have sex with after twin, and it took a year and nine months).
The album was extremely obviously all about me. He even said my name a few times in one of the songs. It was all about pain and longing and anguish and abandonment, lots of imagery about bleeding, drowning, feeling lost and detached from life... about how he's still here and will wait for me forever. Basically Twin went through all the same emotions I did. Perhaps he only experienced them in a condensed form the first two months after our separation and "got over it" once he had a new girlfriend in May 2015. My pain was possibly more protracted. But at least I now knew that I wasn't alone in what I felt for Twin; it wasn't one-sided. At the same time, I was very very angry at him, for a very long time. Why? Because the album offered no apologies, no solutions, took no responsibility. It was almost like he made me responsible for his suffering even though he was the one who ended it. So I knew I had a lot to work through.
So as I mentioned, I was dating a new guy, P. P and I were involved for about four months total, and he was the first guy I had sex with after Twin. I ended it during Christmas break 2016. One month into dating P I went to an event and re-met a guy, D, I'd first met through work five years prior. I later learned he was dating a woman at the time but his interest in me was instant; we hung out with a few of his friends at a movie in the fall and then he texted me practically every day through the rest of 2016. I was still involved with P and wasn't even sure I liked D, plus I had a lot left to process with my Twin. Christmas and the days after it were so emotionally painful for me that they were physically painful. I remember going to the ocean and lying on a pier and releasing as much of it as I could into the void. I felt cleansed in some ways.
Come January 2017, when D asked me on an official date, I went. It was easy. It was light, it was fun. He and I just felt good, comfortable around each other. I stopped responding to P's messages. I also contacted Twin for the first time in nearly two years. His first messages in response to me were earnest, nervous. He said he was so happy to hear from me and how sad it had been how much time had passed. He seemed eager and anxious and joyous to tell me about his life. It's weird because I automatically went cold on him. I think I had a difficult time reconciling that the ghost of Twin from my past (when we, as two people, were deeply in love) and the current version of my Twin were actually the same person. What I mean is, I couldn't interact with a past version of my Twin anymore. The current version of him, the real version, was here with me, in the moment, and I barely knew him. I was distant for the rest of the day as I was with some friends. That night I made myself suck it up and message him again. My entire body was vibrating and I felt like I could not contain the emotions, as usual. Sometimes when I contemplate my Twin I get automatic chakra activation, usually in the crown chakra... that's where it's strongest. Then the rest of the kundalini comes alive. I've never had these feelings at any time in my life except when connecting mentally with my twin. I've had these sensations so strongly at some points that I've had to pull off the interstate. I've also cried so much that I basically feel like I can't control my body. The 5D connection is stronger than my 3D body can handle, and at this point, I don't even like to go there anymore... it's too much intensity. And it doesn't ever actually lead to positive results.
Anyway, back to the conversation with Twin. He didn't respond to my second set of messages for a few days. Probably trying to formulate HOW he was going to respond. (For the record, I sent a list of 9-10 things I'd done in my life since we separated and asked him a series of 9 or 10 questions, some funny, some more serious, about how his life was going.) And when he did respond, it was like I was speaking to a different person. The guy who responded in earnest and nervousness a few days before (the version of Twin I knew when we were together) had disappeared again and, all of a sudden, I was dealing, once more, with the version of Twin who had pushed me away in March 2015. He opened the conversation by letting me know he had a girlfriend (the same woman he's been dating since May 2015). I guess he felt like I was going to try to hit on him from 5,000 miles a way? *eye roll* I let this comment roll off my shoulders and continued the conversation normally. We chatted for almost two hours. Gradually, his disposition warmed. We were making each other laugh almost immediately. It was just like old times. It was just like how it was when we first met in January 2015. It really feels like we've known each other for thousands of lifetimes and it's impossible for the connection to not be automatic... it's just important for us to not be closed off to it, to each other. He told me he'd started making music again. I asked him if I could hear it somewhere. He said, "of course, but I'm too ashamed." Figures. We ended on a positive, lighthearted note. I sent the conversation to a girlfriend and she said it was most certainly obvious to Twin that I was still in love with him. This angered me a lot, because I viewed my love for him as a weakness (for all the complicated reasons that Chasers traditionally feel). In the months since, I've had to come to terms with the fact that love is a good thing and if Twin knew I loved him, well he'd just have to accept it and realize it does not make me a threat to him. I am so far away. And being loving does not make me weak. It makes me strong.
That night I went for a beer with one of my girlfriends and got misty-eyed as I talked about how much I loved my Twin. She saw it in my eyes and said the same thing all my friends do when they see this look in my eyes when I talk about Twin. "I don't know what to say; I just know I've never felt that for anybody," says my friend, who's been dating her boyfriend for four years. What it comes down to is that the Twin Flame connection is something most humans don't experience (and honestly I would not wish it on anyone, because it's heaven but it is also hell). And the love I have for my Twin cannot be explained by logic. It just is. And it was always automatic and unavoidable. I never willed myself to love him (why would I, for a man I'd just met who lived 5,000 miles away?) and in fact I have always found it difficult to love anyone (blame my bad childhood?). But loving my Twin was as natural as breathing. I told my friend that night over beers that the only thing I could hope for is that this conversation gave me some degree of closure ("ForeverRestless, I have a girlfriend") and that maybe it would make me more emotionally available to this wonderful man I'd just started dating, D.
I have to believe that this was correct because the best word for me to describe my relationship with D is "contentment." I've spent so much time enjoying and appreciating the things he brings to my life that I have scarcely any room to think about the things I lack. Even when I lacked his commitment. D apparently continued dating the other woman for about 3-4 months (a romantic safety net?) before he ended things on his own accord. I cannot tell you how happy and highly functioning our relationship has been. We've been together over five months now and have had an arrangement of exclusivity for about 1.5 months. Every time we see each other, our bond gets stronger. Basically, a long-term relationship feels absolutely inevitable and until then, I'm just enjoying the process. Because the process is just that enjoyable. Every step in the journey is a fun one, so I'm relishing all of them.
Now I come to the main reason I'm writing on the forum today: my relationship with D. I have such a hard time reconciling how happy I am with him and how I don't feel what I used to equate with infatuation or love. I respect D, I enjoy D, I appreciate D, I feel content with D, happy with D. I constantly think about the future with D, things I want to share with him, do with him. Ways I can make him happy. Things that make him such a great man, so good for me. How we're such a good fit, how we enjoy so many of the same things, and have such good sex and such good conversations and feel so comfortable with each other that it seems like we could actually even get married one day. But when he tells me how much he likes me, I don't feel authentic and honest saying "I like you" back. Of course I like him... in the sense that I respect him and admire him and enjoy him and he makes me happy. But the past version of me, pre-healing, equated "liking" someone with that rush you get. Almost a bit overwhelming, like you're going to explode if you don't see them in the next 48 hours. That you feel like you have to peel yourself out of their arms when it's time to leave. Like you think about all the ways they're a remarkable human and better than anyone else you know, etc. Post twin, I understand love in new ways. I understand that love is everything and everywhere, and I can love D just as much or as easily as I could love the clerk at my convenience store or a friend I've had for 10 years. I already love D in a way that I hope he'll always be in my life. I love the things he says, the ways he takes care of me, the way he accepts me without judgments, the way he speaks all of my love languages. The way that he does not make me feel wrong for showing him affection (like so many of my exes did) or annoying for prattling on and on about some random topic (he does the same). I do love him. But not in the way we think about romantic love, and not in the way I loved my Twin. My love for my Twin was an epic love story. But my love for D is still enough for me. I realize it's everything I ever wanted in a partner and everything I deserve. He is high-functioning, whole, giving... he's done a ton of self-work, healed and is prepared to be my partner in a way that Twin could never have been in his brokenness. The bond with D may not be an epic 5D alchemical bond, but at this point, I want it far more than I want a relationship with my Twin. I can love Twin's soul to the moon and back, but after all the self work and growth I've done in coming into self-love, I want better. More than anything I want a partner who can walk beside me and give to me as much as I give to him. My Twin was completely incapable of that, even if our souls were a perfect match. Nowadays I love myself so much that I choose and actually PREFER all the wonderfulness I get with D. I am so happy and just basically... content. But I do not overflow with joy, I do not cry from my overwhelming love for him, I do not sit around day dreaming about how he's on some pedestal in my mind. I just love that he's in my life.
But how can he continue to be in my life if I cannot say "I like you" back to him in a way that feels honest and romantic? In a way that my heart moves when I say those words. In a way that when he reaches over in the bed and wraps his arms around me, I feel more than a physical comfort; I feel a surge of excitement as the cells in my body light up and I long to merge with him body and soul. Is that what "liking" someone feels like? Or "love?" Or is it unhealthy love? At this point I really do not understand what any of this means. If D left me tomorrow, I know I'd be as complete and whole as I am now, and it won't devastate me. Still, I hope he stays. Forever, if he wants to. I don't know if this is natural at this point in one's journey toward self love. You feel so complete and whole that you don't NEED anybody to fill in your voids. You just walk gently beside each other for as long as you both CHOOSE to be in partnership. I like the way this feels, but I wonder if he wants more from me. The fact that I'm choosing D over Twin in my heart right now is a pretty big deal, even if D doesn't know that Twin exists. And I wish I could tell him that means more to me than how much I feel INFATUATED with my new boyfriend. But I want to be able to tell him "I like you so much" and mean it, truly mean it. Twin and I were saying that to each other after three days of hanging out and it felt like the most natural, automatic and honest thing in my life. I just don't feel that authentically with D, as wonderful as he is.
So is this what it's like having a Twin and moving on? Something or someone is always wedged between your heart and your new partner? You can never fully fall for someone else? Is this what I'm going to have to be faced with for the rest of my life? I've never been with a better man than D. He's the kind of man everyone looks for and I know he's what I deserve. When I think about that, I feel like the luckiest woman. That I've found such an amazing guy. But I don't feel like I could move heaven and earth just because D is in my life. It's just not that. I don't know what to do.
Add to that the fact that even though I think about Twin less than I ever have (I barely even look at his social media anymore), I keep getting signs for him. Everywhere. I can't go into them here but they're basically the same signs I've gotten for him all along. Numbers, the name of his hometown, even his full name popping up randomly on my phone alerts for no reason that makes sense. It's like the universe does not want me to forget him. But I am not running. I am just not chasing anymore. I've accepted that my Twin's 3D self is not ready for me in this life so I've moved on to a soul mate who is. And I actually choose that now. I choose a healthy partner rather than a broken one. And I gradually, every day, feel more and more like I'm "moving on" from my Twin (in whichever way you can actually "get over" a Twin), and I actually am OK with it now. Letting the dream die. Painting my future with a new man in a new place that doesn't involve Twin and a country 5,000 miles away. I came to a fork in the road this January and when Twin said "I have a girlfriend" (to make sure to drill it into my head, I guess?), I took a new path and it was with D. And I've been happy with my decision and ready to let Twin go. But what next? When do the signs stop? And will I ever be able to say "I like you" to D and feel my heart sing? Or will it always feel more like, "I respect you and appreciate you and feel happy and at ease with you?" I feel like after going through hell with Twin, that kind of gentleness is 100% OK with me; I can sacrifice the intensity of love with Twin for the brand of happiness I have with D, but will I ever really authentically love him? How can I get there? And will the signs for Twin just go away already?!?!?! I am no longer looking for them. I want them to stop.
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