adventures with my twin

[FallingLeaves]

so when i was growing up
i wasn't taught anything about
how to relate to life
except how dangerous everyhing is

and my parents
weren't very giving
back then
either

they tried
but they had their own problems

for someone as sensitive as me
the only thing I could see
is
if i wasn't careful
i was gonna do something wrong
and then get punished

so i learned
to close off
and completely hide myself
from the world

so that I could maybe
not do anything wrong
so I wouldn't get punished.

unfortunately
that only increased the distance
and
I never did learned
how to relate
the way other people relate
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somewhere in there I had a moment
I was going along thinking
and suddenly I realized
I had made a thought
that should have gotten me killed

but there wasn't even a response!
life went on
in the moment after
same as it had
in the moment before!

it was such a moment of wonder!
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after all that
things eventually wound down
and sometime in my 20s
I made a rare decision
for someone like me

that I was going to just forget about girls
and go on by myself
and try to heal

it was a very trying moment

of course that same day
I met my twin
maybe?????

she looked into my eyes
and saw something
i don't even want to think about what
but
I just wanted to heal
and really
looking into her eyes
then
didn't really do anything for me
it was just another girl
who would want stuff from me
but give nothing back
as far as I could tell

there was a rod stewart song
I think it was him
'downtown train'

and that is kinda what I was thinking of girls
at about that point in time.
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so i wandered in and out...
at one point I could hear her when she was coming
tap tap tap shoes on the floor...

through all this
i could tell
she felt something
but
did my usual thing
and just hid away
deep inside...

honestly at the time
i felt like
that was the only honorable thing to do
not to lead her on
i had too many problems
and i was trying to heal
and there was really
no good reason
to drag her into my mess

but i did grow
to respect
her ability
to stick with things

she never did give up
on her feelings...
at least for as long as I knew her...

everyone I had met up to then
was gone in almost an instant
but she lasted.

so at some point
I got the bright idea
that maybe
after i healed
I could reach out to her?

But wasn't making any bets on that.
It was like, I could take it or leave it...
and meanwhile, I wanted to heal.

But she was canny...
she was the only one
to ever suss me out
and catch on
that there was more
to see
than what I was presenting.

which presently she did
she figured out
that she wasn't going
totally unnoticed
the way I was trying to portray it
I couldn't believe that when I saw it!
as far as I could tell
everyone else
could only see
the wall I was portraying?

Still the fact
she did that wasn't enough for me
My every experience
still said
that would be the end of it

but it wasn't
so this one time
I didn't believe in someone
and give them
the benefit of the doubt
that things would maybe work out
the way i did for all the others
only to get turned away.

so anyway
she tried to reach out
and then disaster struck.

i still remember the peach shirt I was wearing that day...

After that I was like
now surely
she's had enough?

And again I was willing to let it go.

But then I saw her around a couple of times
and after all that
my respect just grew

I was ready to reach back...

and then the twin stuff started.

once i tried to call her
but she didn't know me and was mean
so I slammed that door shut.
hard.

After that I did the typical chaser stuff
by writing letters to her...
and got answers in the classifieds.

then she would tell me we would meet somewhere
but never be there if I went
and the whole thing was so
well
unreal

I was so livid!

slowly that spun into insanity
because really
if you go by
what people say
about next-day responses
in the paper
at that point of time
is
it just couldn't happen.

I've since learned
anything is possible to god!

anyway it did happen
and so it was like anything else
i had to close off
because of the dangerous
that people would label me insane...

that didn't help me though
I eventually got there anyway
lol
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the whole thing thought
was a real spiritual lesson
in how to avoid
ideas
about
who I should be...

so in the end it worked out well for me.

But there were many many years
where I was trying
to get over
my desire
to be chasing around after her.

somewhere in there
I dared call again

honestly!
I would have given all this up
long ago
if I wasn't continually getting feedback about her.

same as the beginning
when I consistently chose
not to believe in her.

it is like a cigarette commercial
when you are addicted to cigarettes...
it just keeps you going
and it is like a rolling train that never stops!

anyway her mother
told me to quit with her
that she didn't want me
and I was like
I had better listen
and not write any more
because we are in stalker territory

and even then
this idea of giving up
was a very hared thing to pull off
int this reality

but i did it anyway

but i couldn't stop daydreaming about her
I still always get way too much feedback about her!
it took me a long time to dial back the idea
we could be together
even a little bit.

and it didn't help that she just seemed to follow me
to boards on the internet
and that has been
a whole other
set
of awkward misadventures
sigh...

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so here we are now
and to be honest
I'm still having the same problems
with attachment
and addiction
as I ever do
but I've had them forever
and still don't quite know
what to do with them

All I've been able to learn this time is
I'm not going to be able to put an end to it
I'm going to just have to learn
to deal with my addictions
somehow
even though I desperately don't want
to be saddled
with that kind of life.

it doesn't help
that it is like everything else in my life
I don't know where reality actually begins
or ends
still don't really even know
how to relate
to others
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but anyway having sussed out
that others don't really
know anything either,
all they've got going is
they think they know stuff
and they can agree with each other
that they know stuff
I'm not so worried
about the idea
that I don't really know what is going on
finally something to have in common with everyone else lol!
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As far as my twin
the one I started with
so long ago
I really don't even know
if I named her correctly

either in her real-world name
that I used to contact her
or in what 'tribe' she belongs to

i just don't even know
that the girl I met
isn't the other 'her'
that my twin is always railing on about...
the one who is always
incredibly kindto me
and who I would turn to
if i were being 'real'
and not lost in my addiction for the twin...
because I really do genuinely like her
it isn't like with the twin
where I can hardly control my reactions even now,
it is much more give and take.

much more suited
to someone like me

but it is like with the original girl
I'm not going to ask her
to deal with my addiction
i feel like
that is too much to ask

which i know sounds like the same mistake
I made at the outset,
but there is kind of a difference.

I'm not nearly so closed off.
Some of the experiences I've attracted
allow me now
to emote
just a little
and I can relate
in little ways
to some people at least...

and I'm not afraid to keep doing that.

but anyway
I'm just glad if I get any response at all
from that quarter
as awful
as I've been sometimes reduced
to treating other people
I know it is
very much a gift.
lol

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there were other people
around at the time
who got mixed up in all this
who Im sure were nice too

and the whole thing
became such a mess!
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but all that is long gone
I don't think of any of it
much any more...

one step then another step then another step
and right now the weather is on tv
and as usual the weather lady continues tlo look pretty
so that is nice as always and tomorrow maybe it will rain?????