Trouble expressing my feelings

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Gemini 46, Light and love to you. There is a blog section on this forum that might be helpful, and caring people here for support. You seem to have such a kind heart. Take care of yourself, and the rest will fall into place. Hugs!

[Gemini46]

Yikes. I forgot all about this. I am a little embarrassed I created this doozy of a post if I am being honest. I couldn't even bring myself to read it but I am quite sure it sounds like the ramblings of a mental patient cause technically I am so w/e I guess.

Anyways since I am here I might as well give an update on all of that now that the rational half of my brain is working. To clear up the situation I'll give a little synopsis of my TF story thus far. I had become aware of my twin flame 7 years ago in Sept 2012. At first it was just an energy that I was suddenly conscious of. He wasn't in a body at first but I followed the energy blindly, trusting it completely. It wasn't too long after it had showed up that it started manifesting in someone I had known for about 8 years....never was attracted to them once before that, but once the energy started popping up in him, I took notice. That kicked off a whole nightmare of a situation that dragged on for 3 long painful years. It was a messsssyyy. During this time I played neither the runner nor the chaser and neither did he. It was a messed up reality we lived that neither of us had any business being with each other. After 3 scarring years I finally just abruptly detached from him and our situation, just shut the whole thing down emotionally. My main focus was getting away. I am much more comfortable playing the runner so getting back into that position, the energy I ran from, I ran right back into not even realizing it fully yet recognizing it completely, just ignoring it I guess. It led me right to the place it is currently, well kind of currently. It immediately started manifesting itself into the company, namely my boss, that I currently work for. I ignored it for a few months until it started to pop back up in the previous place, now playing the chaser. I lashed out at this person, it was a messy ending. I haven't seen him since. We burned each other playing our dangerous game. We had/have a VERY powerful psychic connection in which would open periodically over the next 3 years while we both processed what we went through and put it to rest. During those 3 years and up until now really the energy was and still kinda is attached to the company I work for and my boss. Over the course of those years I would randomly quit and he would take me back each time. The last situation was scarring so I always was and am very cautious. The last time I left about 2 years ago, we ended up getting our feelings out in the open, we didn't act on them, well.. a little bit but it was still PG you know, we just liked being around each other. We have a very sweet relationship. I went back to work for him in May and it has been nothing but professional. There is tension but eh its not over whelming or anything. The first 2 months I was on my medications and I was fine. I stopped taking my anti-psychotic medicine because the side effects were scaring me. The next 2 months I was in a deep state of psychosis, unaware that I was. My emotions, my thoughts, they were all over the place. I would experience extreme highs where I was all over the place, getting myself into all sorts of nonsense. During my highs I would be completely unaware of my fragile state of mind, thinking that I was doing much better w/o the meds. But what goes up must come down. & come down I would. The shift was unpredictable and hair-triggered and I would have a complete emotional meltdown, reacting to my thoughts as if they were based in reality, which usually, no..always they were not. I did this both highs and lows. During the lows I could usually convince myself to take my medicine. I would take it the last 2 months on an as-need basis. Which was anywhere between 2-5 days usually about 3 or 4 tho. Most of the breakdowns were over my boss and the strong emotions I was feeling towards him since we were working together again I was seeing him all the time and it was triggering all these episodes.

Last week sometime I came to the realization that I had been in a constant state of psychosis the last 2 months, not just those moments I was breaking down. I was able to grasp this info and hold on to it. I think this realization rattled me because it triggered an episode lasting from last Thursday night until Wednesday sometime. I started back on my medication on Tuesday night and have been taking it regularly now. I am just going to deal with the side effects until I can get back to the doctor.

Since I posted this I have been doing much better. I came to a realization the other night that allowed me to let go of that emotional attachment I had. It was a bittersweet moment. But it was instantaneous, the letting go. I was happy for him though, genuinely, it was a good feeling. Since then my TF energy has still been present at my job, but its starting to manifest in other ways now that have got me in a completely different mind set. I am content.


Ahh well thanks all who replied, it helped a lot.

[Gemini46]

Originally Posted by SheShatters

Gemini46, Can I just say, you have so much going on and you still have such a lovely positive attitude. You might think you are not good at using words, but everything you have written here is clear and I can actually feel where you are speaking from. I really hope that you can get back in to therapy and get your meds straight soon (that is a big issue for me, too, since I had cancer 8 years ago, medsmedsmedsmeds). Never lose your beautiful light!

That is probably one of the nicest things I've heard. Not the cancer part obviously, the nice part. Yeah if they can give you meds you can bet they will give you meds....