my partner's parenting choices

[rainbow.sprinkles]

background: I've been with my partner officially for about 7.5 months, but we've known each other for over a year. he has a little boy who is currently 18 months old. through the whole relationship I've made a point of holding back from commenting on certain choices he makes in his parenting, because I don't want to be one of those people who undermines his parenting decisions. nobody likes that person.

issue: we plan to make every effort to stay together for the long haul. he knows I want a baby of my own and we've talked about having one together at some point. I have a pretty clear idea of what kind of parent I do and don't want to be, and what kinds of behaviours I do and don't want my future child(ren) being exposed to.

question: at what point, if ever, does it become appropriate for me to express my own feelings and concerns about his parenting if certain behaviours he engages in with his son are not behaviours I would be willing to tolerate my own child being exposed to? is it better to communicate with him about it now and ask him to start practicing the kind of parenting I'll expect from him with our child, or do I simply let him do what he wants to do with his kid and wait until we actually have a kid together, and then expect a certain kind of parenting from him with her/him, while simultaneously sitting quietly and not commenting while he uses a different kind of parenting with the other kid in the picture, who is his and not mine?

for the record, I feel he sometimes gets inappropriately angry with his 1 year old, doesn't regulate his own emotions which I believe is going to make it pretty difficult if not impossible for him to ever teach his kid to regulate HIS emotions, and can be more physically aggressive with the kid than I am comfortable with, and yells at him, calls him names, etc. there is not what anyone would consider abuse happening, but I do fear if he continues down the road he is currently on, his child will sooner or later be afraid of him, which I certainly don't want, with either his kid or my future kid(s).

thoughts?

[joyfirst]

You must realize, that your partner reacts in anger to his child not because he consciously chooses so, but because he has subconscious beliefs, which get triggered, when his child does something, that your partner's subconscious considers a threat to his survival. Of course, they are not logical, but neverless this process is pretty much automatic. the only way for him to change is to change his subconscious beliefs, learn to love himself and life, etc. EMDR therapy, subliminal affirmations, and some toher things can help. unless your partner is going to do something about releasing his pain body, I wouldn't have children with him at all.
Just asking him to be nicer will not do much good.

[rainbow.sprinkles]

Originally Posted by joyfirst

You must realize, that your partner reacts in anger to his child not because he consciously chooses so, but because he has subconscious beliefs, which get triggered, when his child does something, that your partner's subconscious considers a threat to his survival. Of course, they are not logical, but neverless this process is pretty much automatic. the only way for him to change is to change his subconscious beliefs, learn to love himself and life, etc. EMDR therapy, subliminal affirmations, and some toher things can help. unless your partner is going to do something about releasing his pain body, I wouldn't have children with him at all.
Just asking him to be nicer will not do much good.

I do realize this. I know that he has some emotional issues, we actually have the same mental illness but I've been lucky enough to have discovered what I had about 10 years before he did and so I'm way ahead of him when it comes to self awareness and receiving different treatments over the years. I still can escalate quite quickly when provoked, with partners mostly. but never do I behave that way around his child. I've found he has very little patience for any normal toddler behaviours - crying, whining, peeing, anything that I simply see and know it's just him being a toddler and so it doesn't make me angry or upset, my partner will just go into a rage over. he gets so angry at this tiny little human, I don't even understand how someone can get angry at a little kid and accuse him of being a jerk, of doing things on purpose to be a jerk. I've tried to explain to him the basic science of child development for his age, that his prefrontal cortex isn't developed enough for him to even be capable of purposely being a jerk, but he continues to fly off the handle and say things like "he's being a little *******" with actual anger.

while I understand emotional dysregulation, because I've lived it all my life, I don't understand his anger at a toddler. I just don't get it.

[Jon-Pax]

am sad to hear this and from what you say seems to be the tip of the ice burg talk to him about it please this will impact the child deeply it is not ok if you dont who will

[FairyCrystal]

I don't think you should wait with talking about this. Even if you wouldn't want children I think you should address this issue with him, when the child isn't there of course.
You got to remember no one has a manual on parenting, is just meddling through. Normally speaking, in the ideal situation, there are two parents together and one can correct and balance the other if they're out of line. Both parents will help each other become the best parents they can be.
You partner doesn't have that, so he has no one who mirrors / confronts him with what he's doing. You NOT saying anything, may actually make him think he's doing a brilliant job and you fully agree.

Also if you don't say something, he will develop his own routines (he will already have done so, since the child is 18 months) and he will likely have difficulty changing his routines with your child. And he may get angry that you suddenly don't agree with his parenting methods while all the time you shut up about them. That could cause serious relationship problems, because all that time he'll have thought you backed him up and then he learns you didn't agree at all. Might make him wobble and lose part of his self-esteem.
The male ego is fragile :p

And apart from all that ... you now have to put up with this situation in your home. You live there too ya know. And no, it's not your child, but if you constantly have to witness things that do not agree with you at all, you have the right to say something about it. You don't have to allow everything in your home and your life, just because it isn't your child. It is your home, that alone gives you the right to interfere.
And to be honest, I also feel you have the obligation to protect such a young child from abuse. Calling names IS abuse. being more physically aggressive than is necessary IS abuse. As is him not keeping his emotions in check.
Abuse is not just physical. There's emotional, mental, psychological abuse too. And it sounds this poor baby is exposed to all that.
Are you comfortable with such a young child being treated that way in YOUR HOME? By your own partner? If that child suffers consequences in the long run because of it, you are partially responsible for that too, because you didn't do anything about it.
I'd seriously question my involvement with a man who'd treat his children that way too. Do you really want to live with such a man? Surely it is easy to think "it's not happening to me, it's not my child, with my children it will be different!" Will it? How do you know? From what I gather the man so far hasn't shown any reason to believe he will suddenly be a loving, warm, caring father. Why would he be different with your children?

Talk to the guy. Asap! Then see how he reacts and if he changes his MO. If not, I'd seriously reconsider the relationship AND informing the mother of this poor child. The kid has no means of defense against this abuse, and his mother probably thinks her child is safe, which it isn't. So do the right thing!

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by rainbow.sprinkles

I've found he has very little patience for any normal toddler behaviours - crying, whining, peeing, anything that I simply see and know it's just him being a toddler and so it doesn't make me angry or upset, my partner will just go into a rage over. he gets so angry at this tiny little human, I don't even understand how someone can get angry at a little kid and accuse him of being a jerk, of doing things on purpose to be a jerk. I've tried to explain to him the basic science of child development for his age, that his prefrontal cortex isn't developed enough for him to even be capable of purposely being a jerk, but he continues to fly off the handle and say things like "he's being a little *******" with actual anger.

while I understand emotional dysregulation, because I've lived it all my life, I don't understand his anger at a toddler. I just don't get it.

I'm a male, but if I was a female with the aspiration to have a child (or children), this type of behavior from a partner would effectively discourage me from having any intentions to conceive a child with that individual. If he doesn't prove that he can address (correct/improve) his behavior with his own child, I wouldn't have much faith that he would quickly nor effectively change his ways when you are co-parenting a child together. Perceive what he's doing as like a learned/conditioned behavior - it's not something that can be easily reversed and undone (it's ingrained)... And as the other user noted - there's got to be some deeply embedded 'issues' within him and that he's stuggling with in order for him to be inclined to react this way around a little person.

I mean, I know people have their problems/issues/struggles - but this type of parenting behavior is going to have a lasting (and detrimental) impact on that child. How will this individual act/behave as his child gets older? Will he become more physical with the kid because he thinks he can handle rougher treatment? Will he end up displaying a greater degree of anger at the child as he feels the child will be more responsible/culpable for his (the child's) behavior due to maturation? Will his son exhibit developmental/behavior issues due to the nature of his relationship with his father and the treatment that he's on the receiving end of at such a young age?

It's maybe not my place to say this - but my advice would be to take every precaution to make sure that you don't end up having an 'unplanned' pregnancy with this individual and then potentially find yourself in a very difficult position (both for you and your future child)....

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

I'm a male, but if I was a female with the aspiration to have a child (or children), this type of behavior from a partner would effectively discourage me from having any intentions to conceive a child with that individual. If he doesn't prove that he can address (correct/improve) his behavior with his own child, I wouldn't have much faith that he would quickly nor effectively change his ways when you are co-parenting a child together. Perceive what he's doing as like a learned/conditioned behavior - it's not something that can be easily reversed and undone (it's ingrained)... And as the other user noted - there's got to be some deeply embedded 'issues' within him and that he's stuggling with in order for him to be inclined to react this way around a little person.

I mean, I know people have their problems/issues/struggles - but this type of parenting behavior is going to have a lasting (and detrimental) impact on that child. How will this individual act/behave as his child gets older? Will he become more physical with the kid because he thinks he can handle rougher treatment? Will he end up displaying a greater degree of anger at the child as he feels the child will be more responsible/culpable for his (the child's) behavior due to maturation? Will his son exhibit developmental/behavior issues due to the nature of his relationship with his father and the treatment that he's on the receiving end of at such a young age?

It's maybe not my place to say this - but my advice would be to take every precaution to make sure that you don't end up having an 'unplanned' pregnancy with this individual and then potentially find yourself in a very difficult position (both for you and your future child)....

Indeed ... and at the same time, save this child that already IS here! As an adult you have a responsibility to in the very least report abuse.

[Captain]

Genuine love is brutally honest. Your partner is harming his child and you are complicit by not saying something. Sometimes you need to face difficult situations, this appears to be one of them.

[rainbow.sprinkles]

Normally speaking, in the ideal situation, there are two parents together and one can correct and balance the other if they're out of line. Both parents will help each other become the best parents they can be.
You partner doesn't have that, so he has no one who mirrors / confronts him with what he's doing. You NOT saying anything, may actually make him think he's doing a brilliant job and you fully agree.

he does somewhat have that in me. he knows that he sometimes gets irrationally angry and I make a point of bringing things up later, after the situation has died down and there are no escalated emotions, and he expresses appreciation for that.

Also if you don't say something, he will develop his own routines (he will already have done so, since the child is 18 months) and he will likely have difficulty changing his routines with your child. And he may get angry that you suddenly don't agree with his parenting methods while all the time you shut up about them. That could cause serious relationship problems, because all that time he'll have thought you backed him up and then he learns you didn't agree at all. Might make him wobble and lose part of his self-esteem.
The male ego is fragile :p

as mentioned above, he does know how I feel about some of his behaviours. anything that I felt strongly about, I did say something about, like for example the rid recently peed while having his diaper changed for the first time ever and his instant reaction was anger. I wasn't in the room but the kid started crying and my partner was verbally expressing anger at the kid for peeing on him. I straight up told him he couldn't get angry at a 1 year old for peeing, that that's ridiculous, that every parent gets peed on while changing a diaper and it's amazing that it took 18 months for it to happen to him. and just last night he got mad at me for undermining his parenting after he got angry at the kid for hitting him with a toy, when the kid was just spinning it around with his arm and hit him unintentionally. I comforted the kid and told my partner fairly non-apologetically that he didn't do it on purpose. I put my foot down in both these situations.

And apart from all that ... you now have to put up with this situation in your home. You live there too ya know. And no, it's not your child, but if you constantly have to witness things that do not agree with you at all, you have the right to say something about it. You don't have to allow everything in your home and your life, just because it isn't your child. It is your home, that alone gives you the right to interfere.

we don't actually live together, though he always tells me his home is my home too, it's where we spend 95% of our time together.

And to be honest, I also feel you have the obligation to protect such a young child from abuse. Calling names IS abuse. being more physically aggressive than is necessary IS abuse. As is him not keeping his emotions in check.
Abuse is not just physical. There's emotional, mental, psychological abuse too. And it sounds this poor baby is exposed to all that.
Are you comfortable with such a young child being treated that way in YOUR HOME? By your own partner? If that child suffers consequences in the long run because of it, you are partially responsible for that too, because you didn't do anything about it.

most of the name calling is done in a jesting sort of way, to be fair. it's rare that he calls him anything bad with actual anger. we both call him things like poopbutt and we both swear around him a lot which we know we shouldn't but it's just so ingrained in our ways of speaking.

I'd seriously question my involvement with a man who'd treat his children that way too. Do you really want to live with such a man? Surely it is easy to think "it's not happening to me, it's not my child, with my children it will be different!" Will it? How do you know? From what I gather the man so far hasn't shown any reason to believe he will suddenly be a loving, warm, caring father. Why would he be different with your children?

overall, he is a loving father. I may have unintentionally painted him to be one of those people who is always angry and treats his kid badly. not the case. he always feels bad after he reacts to something angrily, and he doesn't want to be that way. he just doesn't have much in the way of skills to help him deal with his extreme emotions.

Talk to the guy. Asap! Then see how he reacts and if he changes his MO. If not, I'd seriously reconsider the relationship AND informing the mother of this poor child. The kid has no means of defense against this abuse, and his mother probably thinks her child is safe, which it isn't. So do the right thing!

the kid honestly isn't in any sort of danger. yes my partner can be reactive, but he would never purposely hurt his kid.

thanks for the reply, I appreciate you taking the time.

[rainbow.sprinkles]

I'm a male, but if I was a female with the aspiration to have a child (or children), this type of behavior from a partner would effectively discourage me from having any intentions to conceive a child with that individual. If he doesn't prove that he can address (correct/improve) his behavior with his own child, I wouldn't have much faith that he would quickly nor effectively change his ways when you are co-parenting a child together. Perceive what he's doing as like a learned/conditioned behavior - it's not something that can be easily reversed and undone (it's ingrained)... And as the other user noted - there's got to be some deeply embedded 'issues' within him and that he's stuggling with in order for him to be inclined to react this way around a little person.

he does have emotional issues, as do I, which I believe I mentioned in my original post. I've come a long way in the past ten years and I fully believe he can too. and I do fully intend to have very specific and clear conversations with him about the way any child of ours will be parented, at some point long before a child is actually born.

I mean, I know people have their problems/issues/struggles - but this type of parenting behavior is going to have a lasting (and detrimental) impact on that child. How will this individual act/behave as his child gets older? Will he become more physical with the kid because he thinks he can handle rougher treatment? Will he end up displaying a greater degree of anger at the child as he feels the child will be more responsible/culpable for his (the child's) behavior due to maturation?

I honestly don't think this is going to be an issue. I certainly hope not.

Will his son exhibit developmental/behavior issues due to the nature of his relationship with his father and the treatment that he's on the receiving end of at such a young age?

the kid is already somewhat genetically predispositioned to have some emotional issues, which is part of why I'd like both of us and his mother to be putting in extra effort into the nurturing part of the equation.

It's maybe not my place to say this - but my advice would be to take every precaution to make sure that you don't end up having an 'unplanned' pregnancy with this individual and then potentially find yourself in a very difficult position (both for you and your future child)....

thanks for the advice. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.