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Originally Posted by Molattee
Hello,
Thank you all for your responses. Some of you are very lucky to have nurturing mothers who will pick you up when you fall down. While some of us (like myself) has to endure a lifetime where we battle constantly with our mothers.
I'd like to tell a little story about my relationship with my mother. She's a very strong and very dominant person who is very caring on the inside - I realize, I see, and I feel this. But the problem with her is, she puts on a mask. She puts on a mask as this very strong mother who is invincible and will do anything to protect her children (I'm an only child). But as I grow up and as I learn the things that I do, she never once considers to open up to me about her weaknesses and her frailty. This angers me because I feel offended that she doesn't trust me enough to be able to open up.
When I open up to her about my problems, she brushes it off. But when she opens up about her problems (most of it are lies like how mothers would tell their children so they don't worry), she exaggerates to the point where I feel like there's no point in arguing. Throughout my life, I've been going against her word and just explore life on my own. Learning my own lessons. To the point that I push her away from me physically just so I can breathe without her micromanaging and fall from life on my own.
Recently, I've asked her to bless me on my path and just pray that everything will work out.
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I have no idea what your relationship with your mother is so I won't comment, but I do know it's important to be your own person without the emotional support of others. I know some people are going to read this and scoff because they believe that you should have a good support system in place. They have these fanciful notions that your parents are god like and are the best support. Maybe that's true because they are raised in an environment where they're always encouraged, and given positive support. Maybe that's a blessing, but what happens if they lose that support system?
What happens if the people you think will support you turn out to be the ones harming you? It's not a question about whether or not they do the best they can, or how much they love you. It's about seeing them for who they are with and without faults so you can at least try and make a better decision for yourself. Many people here speak noble ideals about the love as if somehow you must endure at all costs. They don't want to admit anyone has any shortcomings especially in the parenting department because it challenges their ideal image. When in reality admitting that your mother (speaking in general) has problems that are beyond your capability to resolve, will help you break unhealthy bonds and make better decisions for yourself.
When you're starting out in life, and you start to become your own person, you have break a lot of attachments or at least redefine them. It's up to you to determine what kind of person you are to become and how you're going to do it. If you're worried whether you'll have you're mothers blessing, you are not helping yourself become independent because it's an unconscious need for approval. Speaking for myself, I used to have major problems breaking ties with my mother. I still held these ideas unconsciously that I am supposed to be good girl, but eventually I reached a breaking point where I had to decide between her or me.
Finally I decided enough was enough and I pushed her mostly out of my life. Some people might think that this is an extreme example, but what are the alternatives? Should I have patiently sat through one attack, or barb, or put down after another as my self esteem deteriorated? Should I have stopped my own growth to help her with her own problems that she is unwilling to face? I am flexible in life but can only handle so much. No amount of endurance is going to resolve a problem that was never mine to begin with.
My mom is not the extreme however. Maybe she falls into one of those clusters, that psychologists are so fond of, but I think in America, she's not all that uncommon. Having said all this, I still have somewhat of a relationship with my mother, but it's completely on my terms now. I'll admit she broke down and fought me tooth and claw, but reality was banging on her door and she had to face it. And guess what? She still loves me. So while I didn't have her blessing for pushing her away, I managed to make something more of myself without her. In the end, I am glad for that. I had to break away from that good girl image once and for all or it was going to eat me up alive. I had to become my own best friend without her, but I wouldn't have done that if I had kept on listening to all those people telling me, "she's your mother and she loves you".
The thing is I love and of course forgive my mother now I am not her hostage anymore. She's not a terrible person. She's just unwilling deal with her own issues. The only way it's going to happen is when she is ready. Talking about love and patience won't help because she's not willing to try. Being pressured into that good girl ideal like so many tell me is nothing more than manipulation which only prolongs suffering. Maybe your situation isn't any way like mine, but being your own person (bad or otherwise) is the best way to go
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