Need advice on mother/daughter relationship

[nailspiritseeker]

Today I was having a conversation with a coworker of mine about my relationship with my mom. It brought up a lot of feelings that I have kept buried and I'm facing feelings of resentment towards her. I've always lived with my mom and younger brother. I've never lived on my own.

Almost 10 years ago I found out my mom was cheating on my Step dad. I knew for 3 years before it came out--I didn't tell anyone not even her that I knew. When my Stepdad moved out, she called me and pretty much said "You know I expect you to be home more often now and help out around the house" I was 18-19, a time where every young adult has ambitions of moving out and I was basically TOLD to stay home and take care of my younger brother. So for the last 8 years that is what I've done. I'm going to be 27 next month and all I wanna do is move out.

Four months ago I met a man named A* and for the first time I feel like I've met someone who I could experience things with and somebody who actually loves me for me and sees all my quirks without me even having to point them out. However, my mom is having a hard time with it. Every time he comes to visit (he lives out of state, it is a long distance relationship) and after he leaves she always has something to say about him. "Well he's picky--he's bossy---he's this--he did that" very nit picky.

On new year's eve I called her to check in when I was out of town with A* and she made another one of those comments and it just put me in the worst mood. The next day the drive home was so intense. Its causing problems between me and A*. The long distance is hard and the plan was I would move out and then eventually he will be able to move here and live with me. But after budgeting and coming to my senses I know I can't do it right now.

Especially after I got into an argument with my mom. I told her that she is scared of me actually settling down and getting serious with somebody because that means I would be moving and starting my own life not with her.

Now I feel like I'm at this power struggle and even though things between are settling down, today's conversation with my coworker really awoke some emotional baggage I think I have been ignoring. My mom and I never really sat down and talked about what happened 10 years ago. It was just kind of an "I'm sorry" now let's adjust to all this.

Honestly, it just has me on the verge of tears. I just wish there was a way to let go of this resentment and heal already. I don't want to feel negative towards my mom or my family. Were not perfect, but we still love each other (even if we don't always show it).

I know nobody ever reads these long posts, but I don't have anybody to talk to right now. I've been sick and trying to rest.

Thanks to everybody who has read this!

[joyfirst]

You were 18-19, so you CHOSE to stay with your mom, because legally she couldn't keep you against your will. You might have chosen it from fear about money or some other fear, but you chose it.I am not saying this to blame you, just to see things more clearly. You are the one who can make your life fun or miserable. Just by choosing to be in the moment, you can access a wonderful life NOW.
Read some books or watch videos by Ariel and Shaya Kane. They focus a on relationships too. They say, we were born in disagreement based culture, so it is natural for us to seek them out. They also say, that Heaven on Earth begins with you. If you are in the turmoil inside, there will be no peace in your relationships.
So despite, that your mom came to play this physical game before you, if you want to have a wonderful relationship with your mother or anyone, find and appreciate the wonderfulness of you, her, and everything you focus on. Then relationship will be wonderful too.

[cress]

Okay, my mom is about the same. Always worried, thinking how we can survive without her and sometimes, pointed out negative aspect of leaving her.

For me and my mom, the best way is to show her how much i want to do the thing (moving out, for example) and she can trust me. If she can't, nah, that's her problem. I'm grown up and i could take care of my self.

I show you've figured out you can't moving out with him yet and your mom think he's not really good man. Show her his best aspects, and everything made you love him. But don't blind yourself, sometimes Mom has good sense on people.

Another argument is tell her you don't want to blame her for stopping you now. But of course, you have to be sure, really sure first.

[pearlswan]

I have this similar experience with my mom, but only for the part where she's nit picky about someone I truly in love with. What Cress said is true, you should explain to your mom why you love him, show her all of his best good aspects and so on, but don't be blinded by love either. Love is not blindness actually, but what makes us blind it's because we normally wouldn't want to believe any disfunctional, that's all. Just trust your intuition, you'll know what's good or bad for you.

Now about you and your mom, I also had many debates with my mom about some things, and she's just being too stubborn to even try listening to me. She's a wonderful person with so much understanding, but it seems that as years go by, she's becoming more... I don't know, too lazy to even listen to people. Now the problem with your mom is pretty serious, you're about to be an adult soon (as in age) and you have all the obligation and responsibility to take care of your life. It's your life anyway. Now the block is about money. I don't know how things work where you live, but I guess you could work somewhere? Like, a side job or something, even a small amount of money would work. You just need to have some money for yourself that you earned so that you have all the responsibility and right to use it.

Lastly, remember, you have your own life and goal. Do whatever you like as long as it's not purposely hurting anyone. I'm not saying you should rebel against your mom lol. I'm just saying to stand your ground and speak up. Don't let yourself be pressured like this. If she's being not too understanding then the only way is to leave. Every parents have to know that sooner or later, their kids would go out into the real world.

[The Taoist]

Dear nailspiritseeker:





Rather than offer you an opinion or other form of “mental projection”, I would prefer to offer you an overview of your relationship with your Mother, from a spiritual perspective.

You and your Mother appear to be fragmented aspects from the same soul family essence. In this, you hold many similarities, for you both hold all of the qualities and all of the aspects of the fragmenting soul essence.

Presently, you are moving in the direction of creating your own choices and your own directions, but within remembrances of soul essence you hold the same qualities.

Now, each soul essence, once fragmented and created anew into its own essence, holds its own independent choice to be belonging to and aligning with any given family of consciousness. Therefore, within each focus, each lifetime or timeline you are aligning with different families. You do not align with the same family within each focus that you physically manifest.

Within the following months, you shall be sensing subtly your own remembrances automatically, for you have manifested within this time period with the knowing that you ARE moving and growing in awareness in the action of this shift of consciousness.

What is seen is that many aspects of your relationships are surfacing, so to speak, within consciousness and being addressed to. This is causing some confusion and also some conflict in different areas.

Therefore, the primary action of this current shift is to address to belief systems. This is the belief system attached to the action of relationships. Now, as you address to each aspect of the belief system, you allow yourself to move towards 'acceptance and resolve', and this would be the action of accepting a belief system, which will neutralize the belief.

But as you may allow yourself the information, you may also view that there are very many aspects of each belief system, this belief system holding many more aspects than some of your other belief systems, and as you delve into this belief system and allow yourself to view the aspects, you find more aspects hiding behind other aspects. These are all elements of the belief system.

Now, and this is important, recognize that each aspect of the belief system is a choice. It is not an obligation; it is not an absolute. It is a choice. You have created all of these aspects of the belief system for different reasons. They are choices that you have chosen to be aligning with and accepting as you create an officially accepted reality.

For you are allowing yourself the openness and the awareness and you draw yourself to information that may be helpful to you for your own understanding. Many individuals do not open themselves to objective information that shall be helpful, and therefore they move themselves into familiar areas of frustration and fearfulness and this creates trauma.

What is seen as most valuable for you, at this time, is to focus more and more on accepting and trusting yourself and not allowing yourself to succumb to what you view to be pressures or influences of your Mother or other individuals that continue to align with officially accepted aspects of belief systems, and in this you address to aspects of your own belief systems of relationships within the area of trusting self and not allowing yourself to be influenced in the direction of accepting other individuals’ directions which may not be in alignment with your own influence.

And remember, there are no absolutes within choices within physical focuses. You may ALWAYS alter your choices within physical dimensions. Now, as you move more into your own expansion of awareness and addressing to your own belief systems, you will view small expressions of your own trauma and confusion in addressing to your own belief systems.

I hope this has been helpful and remind you to be mindful of the experiences that you present yourself with presently and within your near future, for the probabilities that you are setting into motion shall offer you much information about yourself and of other situations, and you in listening to self shall allow yourself much more pleasure and joy in your own choices, and this will be quite helpful to you in offering you much more energy in the direction of your own acceptance of self, and in this acceptance of self you shall be accomplishing much more efficiently radiating this energy to other individuals.


Best Wishes...


The Taoist

[nailspiritseeker]

Thank you to every one who took the time to read my post and reply with some advice, I really appreciate it.

I'm feeling much better since I posted, but I still think they are some unresolved feelings I have with my mother that I need to express.

As far as the boyfriend goes, we broke up. In the end it really had nothing to do with my mother. Everything happens for a reason.

I'm starting to feel better finally after having a respiratory infection, so now I am just focusing on bringing my energy back up. I know I have the control to on what and who I let effect me. You can always change your perspective in any relationship or life lesson.

Thanks again for your kind words :)