I've been very detached from him lately

[ForeverRestless]

Almost like angry. I hate him in a way. For deciding I wasn't worth it. For turning away from me and leaving me behind. For dismissing all that we were in favor of the practical, the logical, the convenient. For the chasm between us that suggests nothing more than, "I don't want you to be a part of my life; I don't want to know you," even when he's told me so many times, even years later, how much he wants me to remain in his life. I keep telling myself I am nothing to him. Hating him makes it easier to accept this separation, us both moving on in our lives.

It's been about 2-3 months now since I encountered any emotion over this. I can avoid it very much, and I try to, by focusing on the present, my current life. The problems I have and the issues I need to overcome. My relationships, my career, my personal life, everything that is here, on the other side of an ocean from him.

But if I look at a recent photo of him, and zoom in it to see his face, it's like this weird automatic reaction that's always, always, always happened with him. This awareness that there's the other half of my soul out there, dwelling within this ego-driven body, and I am severed from it. Everything that ever meant anything to me was realized when he and I were laughing and eating and traveling and making up inside jokes together. Everything fell into place perfectly with him because it was perfect; I was finally home. The farther I get from this and the more I realize he is an imperfect human, even more so than me, the less I think of it as about him, the human being. I just long for the soul presence that he was a conduit for; that spiritual connection that reverberated through him. I saw heaven. I don't even think it was him so much as he was the channel for it, and the divine mirror of my own soul. I've never felt such perfection and completion and as my life remains dull in comparison, I know I never will. I will forever miss those moments, but at least I'll never forget them. I'm all teary-eyed and sniffly right now, but at least I'm not wallowing in emotional agony every day of my life now.

It will be four years in mid-March, since we separated. Somehow it feels like longer. I will always miss him and what could have been. I am so sorry it didn't pan out because I don't really know what either of us did wrong, except be very very human, give in to our egos and our fears. Decide that it was too hard to try. Decide to run toward other things that were easy and "safe" and gave us momentary refuge. But if TF is anything like me (and he is), he will always be seeking. He will always want deeper meaning. And this quest will remain eternal.

I love his soul with every cell in my body. I just don't know anything anymore about the man that houses it.

[M.Tesla]

I know how that feels, so im sorry for what youre going through and hope you feel better.

Have you ever got closure? Do you know how to do a ritual to help you let go? Its where you write down everything you want to let go of, it can be anything. Then you can rip the paper into little shreds and throw it away, bury it, or burn it. Just a suggestion.

[ForeverRestless]

Yeah, I’ve done a lot to get closure. I spent a year basically not at home, just traveling all the time, to “date” myself and have adventures with myself and new memories. I got into new activities, like tarot. At one point I drank a lot of alcohol to try to numb this. I dated again just to get my mind off of him. After two years in separation, I got into a long-term relationship. For several months, I listened to the album he wrote about me on repeat, trying to use it as a surrogate for my own catharsis, to take on his emotions as my own. I made a playlist of songs that reflected how I felt and I listened to them every time I felt sad or angry or loving. I talked to friends about solutions constantly... what to do. I tried to be just friends with him too (TF and I spent a year talking). When that didn’t work I decided to send a closure letter explaining what I went through and where I stand on all this: wanting to put it behind me. I figured putting my intention not only out in the universe, but to him directly, would sever it for good. It didn’t work clearly. I mean I don’t think about him so much anymore but the emotions are still there, like the utter rejection I feel and the anger that he didn’t want to explore the connection between us, no matter how many times he admitted it (and he did). When I look back on it, I feel like a hopeless, pathetic, utter fool. And like his girlfriend is just somewhere laughing at me for the letter I sent (which he did tell me he read). The last thing TF ever said to me was “take care Forever.” (Obviously my real name though)

[Inika]

its quite sad. i remember feeling that way about a previous soul connection. Anger that he rejected me, exploring the connection with me.

i had to learn to accept and respect that my needs and wants and desires were not all and only that mattered. If he had his own and they conflicted with mine and what I wanted. The solution was to either chase him for my wants. beg him, try to change his wants, force, manipulate (letters, etc) how i felt to try make him feel for me. you name it. i tried it. all to show me....how false i was being to myself.
i was not being true to myself. if i was. id have remained calm and knew from the first impulse of intuition that this was not a person who felt the same. this was a person who, no matter how hard i twin flame labled it, was not it, was not wanting that with me, did not feel that with me. did not 'see' me in any way like that. no matter of my conviction and how hard i attempted to convince him.

i mean, at what point do you stop? At what point do you understand these are FEELINGS we hold and have. and not project that its them , or them feeling the same because its what we feel and well, thats just how it is.
but its not. its totally on us. is us making up the story and expecting them to play the character we would like to have in our fairytale.

i had to accept that maybe, he meant what he said.
i stopped lying to myself at some stage. thats when bigger doors opened. thats when i felt happy again and not miserable and suffering and moping, pining.

I met new people. new situations and laughed hard again. love hard again. my time is precious, i dont want to fill it with a wasteful time again. I value love, joy and fun. and i cant force or make it come from specific people. I always and must discover it in me and spew it all over everyone else lol

heh, they either leave or stay. you however, can always remain happy. because it never derived from them so it never left with them.

[Inika]

Is it pain from love or an inability to let go.

once you figure that out, you can start to progress forward from where you are right now.

[ForeverRestless]

You miss the important point, though, that he wrote an entire album about the anguish he felt when I left his life. That he would watch me on social media and believed that I had moved on, and he villainized me for this. He thought that he was in extreme emotional pain and I was just "fine." Then later, when we were just friends, he told me all this stuff about how the connection between us had no end, how it was the most intense thing he had felt in his life, and how 10 days with me felt like 10 years and he didn't understand it; it made no sense. He talked about how we were strangers but it was like we'd known each other forever. His whole solution to the thing was to lead with logic and dismiss emotion; to tell himself, "well, it would be almost impossible, so I will choose not to try." This is what he tried to explain to me anyway. He does not make his life decisions based upon emotions; he has a wall around himself, though I know he is very tormented inside.

Yes, it is true that he did not want to be with me, because it would have been too hard, considering how far away we lived from each other. But that is an entirely different thing than my feelings being one-sided. And yes, he may have actually "moved on" fully, emotionally, at this point in time (October 2018), but there were a couple of years when he hadn't, so it wasn't all in my head.

But I still struggle with this... the only way I can actually "move on" myself is by telling myself he never cared. My brain can never really process this properly though, because I know that is a simple explanation and not the whole truth. The reality is life does not take one straightforward path and life does not always follow a perfect thread of logic. He did love me too; he even said so in one of his songs, that it was the key to everything and the reason for being alive, and that meeting me taught him that. It makes me so sad that we learned all these lessons from each other about the power and truth of love but then decided not to exercise any of it; to go back to 3D living. To remember how intimately we understood each other and how perfectly we clicked, the way we vibrated in sync, the immense passion and intimacy of making love... and then realize that we probably will never be in each other's lives or know each other because it "doesn't make logical sense," and we are reasonable adults who have decided to make sensible lives for ourselves. That's all there is here. Coming to terms with this, getting true closure will involve siphoning off a section of my memory and incinerating it. Because knowing how things exist today, 3.5 years after separation, and thinking back about how perfect everything once was doesn't really compute. I have to try to tell myself that he is horrible, and that our relationship would have turned out horribly to even accept what has happened. I have to tell myself he would have been an ill-prepared, underdeveloped and inadequate partner, and that I deserve better. He was selfish, he was emotionally guarded, and he was unwilling to meet me halfway (literally; I mean I offered to pay plane tickets if necessary), and that's just how it is. He wasn't willing to go there; I was. And now we're so far down the road that none of it really matters anymore. It's hard to believe any of this even happened to me. Like it was a character in a novel and not me. And we had this perfect love that inspired an entire album of songs... I was a muse. But it was all about pain and I was blamed. That in itself hurt so much, because I always wanted to try to make things work. I loved him... I feel like I've crossed over into a new dimension and am a new woman because the things that happened between me and TF four years ago don't make sense considering the fact that we don't even talk now. The two fact don't seem to harmonize with each other. And that's just how it is. If I pretend it happened to someone else and not me, then I feel a little bit of release. Perhaps closure will come if I actually write my own side of the story for public consumption the way he wrote it (in an album), but maybe as a book for me. We will see.

[Inika]

i believe eventually you will move beyond this. you dont see it now, but you will. I didnt mean to come across as your feelings being yours and not to project as an invalidation of his love for you. Im sure he did.

the feelings was about how they are still there, being experienced but now only by you. he is not there to give and receive. so holding on to the pain of love or the inability to let go seems to be your major problem.

im so sorry. and no one is forcing you heal this instant. it will take time. obviously for you it was very very real, even if it were for him, he didnt pick up on his end and deliver.

[Rachella]

Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

like the utter rejection I feel and the anger that he didn’t want to explore the connection between us, no matter how many times he admitted it (and he did). When I look back on it, I feel like a hopeless, pathetic, utter fool. And like his girlfriend is just somewhere laughing at me for the letter I sent (which he did tell me he read). The last thing TF ever said to me was “take care Forever.” (Obviously my real name though)

If somebody won't/can't stick around, it doesn't mean that they didn't truly love you. The reverse is also true: if somebody wants/can stick around, it doesn't mean that they truly love you. We know that reality is full of paradoxes and a bit more complex than those "He's just not that into you" movies

I am in your same shoes, but I think that Inika's words are very true. Maybe the solution is that there is no solution. Keep loving, do not blame him, accept what it is, things are perfect the way they are (or so they say )
For example, if I look back to the past, I can see that HE and I would never have survived in a relationship together. I would have eaten him alive at some points
So many years have gone, and I am still shedding dark layers I didn't think I had. So, when I think, "***, where is he?", then I am reminded that my heart is not yet fully opened, that I am still learning.
Being angry is liberating, but you know that it won't last. Being angry for what, then? You love him, so you want to let him be.

On a side note: I remember that somebody did a reading for you on this forum long time ago. It was about past lives. Have you explored the matter? It could maybe give you some answers, and relief.
Hugs to you