No Support Over Eulogy

My beloved grandma, "Mama", passed away on her birthday recently. She was a very loving and kind soul. After her passing, she has been sending messages to my son and he was relaying messages to me from her and vice versa.
My mother is her daughter and she is the Power of Attorney over "Mama's" funeral. Both my aunts, sisters, my dad are all brainwashed by mom. Mom is a dark entity. It is very difficult planning a funeral honoring Mama's wishes with a dark entity. Mama was upset that Mom does not listen and respect her wishes, another common trait of a dark entity is that they are always right and never listen. Mom has turned the family against me saying that me and my son are crazy and we should stop doing this hocus pocus because we are wasting her time and the family's time when they are busy planning a funeral.
Well that is my grandmother and Mom has been trying to cut me off being involved in the funeral planning. I had to jump through obstacles trying to honor Mama's wishes and we are still not done. We told Mama to contact her daughter (Mom) because mom refuses to listen and she has been trying to.

I also wanted to do a eulogy. The problem is that the eulogy is limited at a Catholic funeral (I am not Catholic, my beliefs are different). I am only limited to 5 minutes for a eulogy and only 1 eulogy is allowed. The funeral coordinator (who lacks a lot of patience) says that if I go over 5 minutes, he will push the button to end my eulogy. To me it is very disrespectful to cut a eulogy off at a Catholic funeral. I also wanted other relatives behind me to support when I do my speech because I may break down. Unfortunately, my mom and my relatives think it is strange to have people standing next to you at the podium like a statue. To me, that is a sign of support and a eulogy is one of the hardest speeches you will have to say so having people around me is pertinent and my relatives say to either do it myself or don't do it at all.

I know a eulogy from me is important to my grandma. She knows that I am the strongest person in my family to speak my mind and doesn't mind if people are around me if that is what I need.

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by coolchic101

My beloved grandma, "Mama", passed away on her birthday recently. She was a very loving and kind soul. After her passing, she has been sending messages to my son and he was relaying messages to me from her and vice versa.
My mother is her daughter and she is the Power of Attorney over "Mama's" funeral. Both my aunts, sisters, my dad are all brainwashed by mom. Mom is a dark entity. It is very difficult planning a funeral honoring Mama's wishes with a dark entity. Mama was upset that Mom does not listen and respect her wishes, another common trait of a dark entity is that they are always right and never listen. Mom has turned the family against me saying that me and my son are crazy and we should stop doing this hocus pocus because we are wasting her time and the family's time when they are busy planning a funeral.
Well that is my grandmother and Mom has been trying to cut me off being involved in the funeral planning. I had to jump through obstacles trying to honor Mama's wishes and we are still not done. We told Mama to contact her daughter (Mom) because mom refuses to listen and she has been trying to.

I also wanted to do a eulogy. The problem is that the eulogy is limited at a Catholic funeral (I am not Catholic, my beliefs are different). I am only limited to 5 minutes for a eulogy and only 1 eulogy is allowed. The funeral coordinator (who lacks a lot of patience) says that if I go over 5 minutes, he will push the button to end my eulogy. To me it is very disrespectful to cut a eulogy off at a Catholic funeral. I also wanted other relatives behind me to support when I do my speech because I may break down. Unfortunately, my mom and my relatives think it is strange to have people standing next to you at the podium like a statue. To me, that is a sign of support and a eulogy is one of the hardest speeches you will have to say so having people around me is pertinent and my relatives say to either do it myself or don't do it at all.

I know a eulogy from me is important to my grandma. She knows that I am the strongest person in my family to speak my mind and doesn't mind if people are around me if that is what I need.

coolchic101 - I very much feel for the position you are in. I was in your position when my grandfather died minus all the side rules. I was the only one that wrote and delivered a eulogy for my grandfather. No one else wanted to do it because they all said they didn't want to get up in front of the church. I have social anxiety and absolutely hate public speaking, but I took on the task. I went into another zone and spoke the words I wrote on that day. Everyone seemed to be crying and I had to stay composed. Half way through I felt I was going to cry or faint or something. I just stopped talking and took a sip of water that I carried up to the podium with me. Two men from the front row started to approach the podium and I signaled for them I was all right. I continued until the end, went back into the present zone and sat down. It wasn't until I returned to my seat when I started shaking in realization what I had just done. Everyone was still crying. I spoke for at least 10 minutes. That was one of the most surreal things I have ever done.

I suppose you have to do what you have to concerning time restraints if they are threatening to cut you off. Personally, if you are the only one or one of just a few giving an eulogy, I don't see the problem with going over a bit. If you need help, ask people about her earlier years and what achievements she did. If no one will help, just speak from your heart and let it guide you to say what's real. It sounds like you loved your grandmother very much. Say what you want to say and not what you think other's want to hear. It is an honor and a privilege to do a eulogy. Try to detach yourself from other's negativity. Be yourself and let everyone hear your words. I know it feels like it's a very lonesome time for you. Just know your grandmother is proud of you and her heavenly ears are the ones you are really writing to. Best of wishes to you with writing the eulogy and delivering it. Let everyone else be the way they will be and try to detach yourself from their behavior. You can do it coolchic101.

Blackraven

Originally Posted by blackraven

coolchic101 - I very much feel for the position you are in. I was in your position when my grandfather died minus all the side rules. I was the only one that wrote and delivered a eulogy for my grandfather. No one else wanted to do it because they all said they didn't want to get up in front of the church. I have social anxiety and absolutely hate public speaking, but I took on the task. I went into another zone and spoke the words I wrote on that day. Everyone seemed to be crying and I had to stay composed. Half way through I felt I was going to cry or faint or something. I just stopped talking and took a sip of water that I carried up to the podium with me. Two men from the front row started to approach the podium and I signaled for them I was all right. I continued until the end, went back into the present zone and sat down. It wasn't until I returned to my seat when I started shaking in realization what I had just done. Everyone was still crying. I spoke for at least 10 minutes. That was one of the most surreal things I have ever done.

I suppose you have to do what you have to concerning time restraints if they are threatening to cut you off. Personally, if you are the only one or one of just a few giving an eulogy, I don't see the problem with going over a bit. If you need help, ask people about her earlier years and what achievements she did. If no one will help, just speak from your heart and let it guide you to say what's real. It sounds like you loved your grandmother very much. Say what you want to say and not what you think other's want to hear. It is an honor and a privilege to do a eulogy. Try to detach yourself from other's negativity. Be yourself and let everyone hear your words. I know it feels like it's a very lonesome time for you. Just know your grandmother is proud of you and her heavenly ears are the ones you are really writing to. Best of wishes to you with writing the eulogy and delivering it. Let everyone else be the way they will be and try to detach yourself from their behavior. You can do it coolchic101.

Blackraven

Thank you Blackraven. I needed to hear that. I could not get the support I needed from the family and I am thankful I can always get it from this forum. Much blessings to you

Sometimes your family is the last place to get support. Thank goodness you have your son. That must mean so very much. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Originally Posted by coolchic101

My beloved grandma, "Mama", passed away on her birthday recently. She was a very loving and kind soul. After her passing, she has been sending messages to my son and he was relaying messages to me from her and vice versa.
My mother is her daughter and she is the Power of Attorney over "Mama's" funeral. Both my aunts, sisters, my dad are all brainwashed by mom. Mom is a dark entity. It is very difficult planning a funeral honoring Mama's wishes with a dark entity. Mama was upset that Mom does not listen and respect her wishes, another common trait of a dark entity is that they are always right and never listen. Mom has turned the family against me saying that me and my son are crazy and we should stop doing this hocus pocus because we are wasting her time and the family's time when they are busy planning a funeral.
Well that is my grandmother and Mom has been trying to cut me off being involved in the funeral planning. I had to jump through obstacles trying to honor Mama's wishes and we are still not done. We told Mama to contact her daughter (Mom) because mom refuses to listen and she has been trying to.

I also wanted to do a eulogy. The problem is that the eulogy is limited at a Catholic funeral (I am not Catholic, my beliefs are different). I am only limited to 5 minutes for a eulogy and only 1 eulogy is allowed. The funeral coordinator (who lacks a lot of patience) says that if I go over 5 minutes, he will push the button to end my eulogy. To me it is very disrespectful to cut a eulogy off at a Catholic funeral. I also wanted other relatives behind me to support when I do my speech because I may break down. Unfortunately, my mom and my relatives think it is strange to have people standing next to you at the podium like a statue. To me, that is a sign of support and a eulogy is one of the hardest speeches you will have to say so having people around me is pertinent and my relatives say to either do it myself or don't do it at all.

I know a eulogy from me is important to my grandma. She knows that I am the strongest person in my family to speak my mind and doesn't mind if people are around me if that is what I need.

Hi, coolchic101. Please accept my heartfelt condolences for the passing of your Grandmother. I am so sorry for your sadness.

I also am sorry to hear that most of your family are not giving you the support you need. I think part of your strength is that you ask for support, and I hope you find it from people who give it gladly without condition.

I too lost my father recently, and have struggled with how I can honour him and his memory. Because our family has had breaks in it due to past dysfunction & conflicts, things were awkward and slightly tense at the memorial service (which was very brief at my mother's request.) I wanted to do more to honour my Dad, but I didn't feel confident doing so because of my mother's request to keep the service "simple", and because of the tension among other family members there. So after the memorial service with my family, I conducted other little ceremonies by myself, or with people who I feel safe with. Can I say it turned out to be the "right" way? I don't know ... but I do know that I feel more of a sense of comfort by what I did from the heart for my Dad after the external restrictions (mother's request, family tensions) were out of the way.

I also think your Grandmother knows the struggles you have had with honouring her memory in a way that is meaningful for you, and understands what you've been going through with love and compassion.

Take good care of yourself, keep your precious son and your memories of your loved one close! Raven Poet

[Belle]

What Ravenpoet said.

My father's funeral was not what he would have wanted and I regretted not putting my foot down for a few simple things that he might have cared for. I did make it clear to people who said it had been a lovely service that it was not what he would have wanted! But, my head over-ruled me by saying that pursuing the path of peace was more important than winning the battle in this case.

He wasn't even at the service, my mother had insisted that it was a 10 min crem job and then a full service afterwards so in many ways it didn't matter so much - but it didn't honour him. So, I carried out various ceremonies, listening to the music that should have been played at the funeral with him, in the full knowledge that I was obtaining the best of both worlds and it was about me and him and I had also ensured that the service wasn't rife with hostility from my bullying sister who ran roughshod over me.

But you honour the loved ones in your heart, in your soul, in what you make of your life and that is a greater challenge than the service.

There is no right or wrong as to how you manage the service and what you do but my sympathies for your loss and remember that you will always have your grandma in your heart.

That was very beautifully put, Belle, and demonstrates how you took matters into your own hands to honour your Father in a way he would have appreciated. I especially like how you choose peace over pushing for a particular outcome - I think you Dad would have been proud of you for choosing the "higher road"!

Thank you for your comments and support. I would like to vent a little bit more but I can't find enough words to describe how I feel.
It is about my youngest sister. I know I can't change people because they have to want to change themselves. I have found so many glitches about her.

1) She was estranged from the family for years. She only decided to come back after our grandma passed after we told her to please come visit and see our grandma before she dies. She used "work" as an excuse not to come.
2) She has been with her boyfriend for over 6 years and never introduced him to our family except at our grandma's wake.
3) When she touched our grandma in the coffin, she never really expressed any true emotion except that she commented that our grandma "feels cold".
4) When her phone rang, she checked on it at our grandma's wake because someone called or texted her and I told her to please take it outside of the chapel it is rude and disrespectful.
5) Her boyfriend is creepy he kept staring at me.
6) I don't even have her phone number or home address to contact her. All I have is her email address and her post office box.
7) She is poor at keeping in touch. You will never know if she gets your email unless you tell her to respond or if you send her an ecard that notifies you when they pick it up.
8) When she did our grandma's eulogy at her wake, her eulogy did not make any sense. The way she portrayed herself was like she was making a toast at a wedding and rehearsing for a play and she was reading someone's biography. It felt fake. My question is how can a person do a eulogy for someone they haven't spent any time with for 6 years? All she knows is that my grandma took care of all of us when we were children.
9) She never made any effort getting to know my son (her own nephew).
10) Her laughter and her smile is fake.
11) When I asked her if she read our grandma's obituary, she said yes and then I asked, how come you didn't write a condolence message there like everyone else? She said she didn't want to.
12) She wore a black dress that was short enough that she constantly had to pull it down so people won't see her underwear.
13) I had to beg and convince her to stand next to me when I did my eulogy for grandma and I asked her to continue reading my speech in case I broke down. All I heard from her was excuses but she finally stood next to me.
14) I don't recall her showing any kind of emotional support for our grandpa who just lost the love of his life, except that she just wanted to show off her boyfriend.
15) If you are upset about something offensive she did, she will stop talking to you and you will not hear from her for many months and she will act like nothing happen.
16) She has never acknowledged anything I wrote in my email to her.
17) I find it very challenging to "love" her.
18) She thinks that people who are standing next to someone saying a eulogy looks and feels "strange". I told her that it is a sign of support. And having support around you is not "strange".

I guess the only positive things I can say about her is that it took the death of my grandma to make her finally show up and that my sister is physically attractive (of course looks don't last forever). Let's say if my sister died tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to come up with a eulogy except that she works too much, is good at making excuses, has a creepy boyfriend, always thinks about herself first before others, is poor at keeping in touch, and never showed any genuine support.

It seems like 98% of our family cried hard during my eulogy because I got to know my grandma who is kind, loving, caring, and always thinking about other people and I helped took care of her. I would not do a eulogy unless I had the highest regard for a person and I actually got to KNOW the person I'm writing and doing a speech about.

[Belle]

Dear coolchic101

vent away, sweetheart. And I don't say that lightly, grief pulls up some strong and powerful emotions and also strange and complicated ones that one might not understand. I'm impressed with you that rather than sit and seethe, you are able to be clear in your mind what is annoying you deeply.

There is a lot about grief which is difficult to deal with and we behave in strange and unusual ways when processing grief, some of which is not necessarily "normal" in our eyes but people work out their grief in very very different ways. It doesn't make them wrong or their sadness any less. It may well be that your sister is riddled with guilt? I don't know.

I would urge you, as far as you can, to focus on something else other than your sister. Her journey is not your journey, her grief is not your grief, her life is not your life. You don't need to worry about whether she is genuine or not - I know it is deeply galling to consider that there are crocodile tears in the offing - but who knows what really goes on behind the masks that people show.

Your sister sounds like she has a completely different value set from you and has a different set of ways of coping and - it is apples and pears and you can't compare.

It's a really really tough time for you at the moment and take time out for yourself and concentrate on you and not your sister.

Originally Posted by Belle

Dear coolchic101

vent away, sweetheart. And I don't say that lightly, grief pulls up some strong and powerful emotions and also strange and complicated ones that one might not understand. I'm impressed with you that rather than sit and seethe, you are able to be clear in your mind what is annoying you deeply.

There is a lot about grief which is difficult to deal with and we behave in strange and unusual ways when processing grief, some of which is not necessarily "normal" in our eyes but people work out their grief in very very different ways. It doesn't make them wrong or their sadness any less. It may well be that your sister is riddled with guilt? I don't know.

I would urge you, as far as you can, to focus on something else other than your sister. Her journey is not your journey, her grief is not your grief, her life is not your life. You don't need to worry about whether she is genuine or not - I know it is deeply galling to consider that there are crocodile tears in the offing - but who knows what really goes on behind the masks that people show.

Your sister sounds like she has a completely different value set from you and has a different set of ways of coping and - it is apples and pears and you can't compare.

It's a really really tough time for you at the moment and take time out for yourself and concentrate on you and not your sister.

Hi Belle,

My sister has always behaved like she doesn't care, always acted bored, only thinks about herself for most of the time and now she came back several years later and her insensitivity only intensified.
You are right. It is not worth the energy focusing about those relatives who don't care and only think about themselves. I really don't know why she came back maybe out of guilt if she didn't. I'm not going to expect anymore that my sister is incapable of giving support because she doesn't have any to give in the first place unless she is "forced" to give one.

I remember the quote, "Count your blessings, not your problems." I am blessed that my grandma is sending me beautiful signs, messages, support, guidance from the Other Side (will try to write a whole thread about this). Maybe she wants to thank me for helping take care of her when she was alive; my son who has a very loving and caring heart just like my grandma; my aunt who came from out of town and is helping take care our grandpa because he is taking the loss the hardest and always thinks about other people and invites people over to come eat.