Girlfriend pulling back says she feels uncertain

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by Tuesday

Everyone is not in tune with their emotions, connections, inner knowing than someone else is. That's why they don't a) seek anything else with than just casual dating or release b) don't know how to be with someone even if they did want something deeper. And that's okay. If you are not fully aware of the transaction, why should you seek something else?

A lot of really good sharing in this thread. Wow!
Agreed with you, Baile and badcopy on how toxic it is to be touched by a hand that doesn't deeply know, regard, and love you.

What you say is true, for certain. Shallow folks exist and it's just where they are. They may and often do have the capacity to go much deeper but lack the stamina and the courage to do so. It is what it is. And it is dangerous and unrealistic in not all but many (if not most) cases to ever expect more.

They've got to do the inner work, and many simply don't care to do so. If they don't care to know and love themselves deeply and truly, it's pretty much a given that they will never much care to know and love others deeply or truly either.

Peace & blessings,
7L

[7luminaries]

To the OP...
Much love & light to you on your journey. I hope all goes well, whatever you choose.

However, just a few thoughts...
Those who seek more casual relationships may well love you, perhaps deeply even. It's not that they don't all have deep emotion -- many do. However, it's that they are terrified of their truest and deepest core emotions, since they have not adequately fortified the cup of their heart and soul. It has not yet been forged and tempered in the fires of spirit. They may feel as if they are drowning or suffocating in terror at the strength of their love, or their anger, or what have you. And if you are the beloved, you will also be the loathed and the resented in these many, many moments. Do you understand? This is how the beloved become the feared and the loathed. Happens all the time, LOL. And will do, until and unless they do their own long, hard, and sustained inner work.

It's not clear to me if perhaps this is where the woman you mention is at. However, anyone who is still grappling unsuccessfully with addiction has not yet got past the narcissism and self-absorption that is at the core of addiction. Deceit and betrayal are usually close at hand, sadly.

If anyone cannot engage deeply, love them freely and with compassion as fellow human beings, but IMO it's best to do so at arm's length and for certain, simply to remain friends. They are not to be relied on too much or too closely in any close personal relationship, as they simply lack the spiritual fortitude and emotional strength. To enter into a partnership with any emotion, depth, and integrity on your end, whilst expecting the same in return, would be traumatic spiritually and emotionally.

If you fancy that you are their saviour or that your love will change them, firstly that's very dangerous and borders on arrogance, so be careful...and secondly, 99x out of 100 you will crash and burn upon this premise, because it is entirely untrue. Your love may support another, and on the downside it may be her crutch even...but any and all growth on her end is entirely on her, and you cannot count on it. You cannot count on anything other than this -- who she is right now and in the time you've known her...someone who is not yet committed to her sobriety and who may never be.

If you stay and engage in a personal relationship (particularly an intimate partnership), be prepared for huge amounts of imbalance and ultimate unsustainability and simply know that this is the likely outcome. Give freely out of the purity of your love whilst you can and retreat when you must to care for yourself, since the reality is that (unfortunately for you) that they simply lack the tools, the insight, and usually the desire to give to you on the level of mutuality you may require or desire.

However, once or twice of this in intimate partnership is usually more than enough for most, particularly if the cup of your heart is deep and wide. Far wiser souls than I have generally advise us all to meet others where they are. Only time will tell...but if they cannot meet us where we are in this moment, then we cannot expect that they ever will in this lifetime. They may, and then again they may not. It is not wise to expect any changes, although it is always wise to keep the door of the heart open to friendship, love, and forgiveness.

That is why many will advise offering friendship to all and moving on as needed...whilst few will advise anyone to realistically expect another to freely and routinely give beyond what they do not freely and routinely offer.

Peace & blessings,
7L

[heartsound]

Originally Posted by Swfoxtrot

I pulled my energy away. We kept talking and skyping but it was just casual conversations. She began i feel to miss me being intimate in our conversations. She broke down crying on skype one night and we both let it all out in the open. I cried as well as it was energetically draining to hold in how I felt and not telling her how she makes me feel. Completing her. Being verbally affectionate if that makes sense. She has decided to come to Alaska and spend a week with me and meet my familiy. My only conclusion is that she was just scared. Her being a cancer and having these intense feelings for someone. I'm sure we all can relate.

Thank you for the update.... and a very heartfelt response. I wish you both the best... Emotions can be overwhelming ..give it time..