How to break it to them gently when you were already pretty blunt.

TheGlow · #1 10-12-2015, 12:02 AM

So I have known a person for about 8 years. He was a teacher at a professional school and I have never once flirted with him. He flirts nonstop with people. Like every female walking.
I never flirted back (seriously even if j was single I wouldn't he's much older than me) so when I was living at the school there was nothing but a mutual respect and sorta friendship.... Not really though we never talked to much except when working or one day when I was hanging out with his 3 year old colouring as I lived in site and it was a Saturday morning and I was a bit homesick so colouring with a 3 year old was like my highlight. lol

Anyways I would see him every few years at a convention and he's a flirt with everyone so I never thought much of his flirting with me. I never flirted back. He always got his haven't seen you in a few years hug when I first saw him but no banter or me encouraging him.

Last year he proposed marriage to me. It rolled off his toung and said it calmly in front of everyone so I really and truly thought he was joking. I literally l laughed very hard in his face. To which he replied "ouch, can't you at least pretend to to consider it". I still thought he was joking so in a joking perfectly scripted way said something to the effect of "awe that's so sweet, I'm married though you know"

Anyways I still thought it was a joke till one of the other people there later told me it wasn't a joke. I should add he's 15 years older than me at least. Though he has been married to someone 20 years younger when I met him so I guess it's his MO. I really did think it was a joke. Even if I was single I would not consider that age gap appropriate for myself as every day people think I'm 10 years younger than I am. The man is a nice older man. Even friend potential but he's got not a chance I would ever go down that road with him. Hence thinking it was a joke.

Problem is twice this year I have received further comments that the marriage proposal is still on the table. Both times I've pointed out I am taken because he reacted badly the first time I was blunt and laughed.

Anyways he just emailed me again about something professional. He has clout internationally in my industry and we've been pleasant all these years I don't wish to make an enemy in high places or make it so we can't interact at all as peers. Anyways after I replied to his innocent professional email with the information he needed I got another reply and at the bottom he mentioned the proposal was still an open offer..... It really still could be a joke but he said a few things that make me see ... It likely isn't.

So since I've already handled this poorly how do I do this correctly.
Obviously I have to not make this about being married. I'm simply not interested and never will be. How do you say that nicely without offending? And no I'm not cutting off contact I see him 1 time a year and we don't even get dinner it's generally running into each other at a function.

I don't want to bring this into 2016.

Best clear, kind non bridge burning reply wins me freedom from this nonsense.
Thanks

#2 10-12-2015, 03:56 AM

Have you thought about poisoning him? That's a horrible joke. It is.

Some men really like the chase. I'm sure he really wants to marry you but I don't know if you can get him to stop without burning bridges. It could be sport to him.

TheGlow · #3 10-12-2015, 04:13 AM

lol I could try to give him a tummy ache maybe that would change his ideas.

Yeah I've was told tonight by someoneA who was there that "he's joking unless you happen to change your mind lol" I never even considered that. I'm blind to stuff like that. I could just plan to not have slept in a few days next time I see him and look really horrible. Maybe say some really idiotic things......

I don't mind him joking I just don't want him wasting time thinking he has a shot.

wolfgaze · #4 10-12-2015, 04:58 AM

How about, "My husband says I'm not allowed to accept any additional marriage proposals"

TheGlow · #5 10-12-2015, 05:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

How about, "My husband says I'm not allowed to accept any additional marriage proposals"

lol I love that!!!

wolfgaze · #6 10-12-2015, 05:00 AM

I wonder if you're not the only woman he has behaved this way with... Maybe he perceives it as a 'numbers game' and he's got these marriage offers/proposals floating around out there with several woman on the odd chance that one will decide to accept.... Who knows...

TheGlow · #7 10-12-2015, 05:05 AM

Totally, I even said that tonight to the person who was there.
It makes me feel a bit better at least if that's the case. I don't want to think my not wanting to completely burn a bridge is making him think there is potential....I mean really the laughing should have been crystal clear.

And he has $ and accolades and power so I'm sure he thinks he can win with that.
Seriously the first proposal was him offering me half.
Yet people wonder why they can't find happiness. Happiness isn't in your bank, briefcase, or pants. ;)

Gem · #8 10-12-2015, 08:47 AM

I'd probably say something like. 'The answer to that is NO.'

#9 10-12-2015, 09:08 AM

Just let it float. I mean, don't fall for it - at least one practical angle is that if he's 15 years older check with his pension scheme about the age range a nominated "partner" can fall into! Some schemes it's 10 years younger, some it's 15!!!

As you're already married, you can only keep reminding him of that. There's nothing wrong with diplomacy and a couple of white lies won't hurt if they became necessary. Be thinking about your hubby and you moving away somewhere. Or just talk larger than life (without being blunt). "I couldn't possibly marry you. My husband would sue me for all I have!" or "But you're that much more mature, can't you adopt me as a daughter."

He actually sounds like a very good flirt. As I move through my 30s, it's something I'm starting to miss - probably because times are changing (especially in the UK, where feminists have made so much noise that men are now wary. Flirting runs dangerously close to the new crime of "sexual harassment.")

But the trouble with serial philandering is it never really stops. It comes with a flamboyant sense of romance. Pin a flirt down and she/he won't stop unless the relationship is all encompassing and absorbing. So a committed relationship may do him no good at all.

A difficult situation. I understand it. As a freelancer I have to rely on relations with clients some of whom have done a lot to promote me. Sometimes it's meant socialising with people I'd really rather not but as long as it makes no carnal demands it's something one puts up with. It has got more intense and letting a guy down softly does take some ingenuity. Some of these people are so bloody arrogant knowing that future work for me is in their hands!

...

Anne · #10 10-12-2015, 02:38 PM

Glad to see the men weigh-in...

Big Shots!! Hmph!!
Attempting to prove audacity, despite the fact you are married. Ugh.
Their arrogance is loathsome and I'm sorry to read you've been put in a delicate situation Glow (re work relations).

What else can you do but gently laugh it off and hope he'll soon set his sites on someone new? If that doesn't work I might try exuding ice queen vibes, lol- (that usually sends them scurrying with a degree of some respect).

Deflecting outrageous flirts are a thing of my past, I hope.
--all the best to you!