Feuding Family Members - How to deal with it?

[novaspirit]

I love my family very much. Each and every one of them. However, two of them are in this seemingly never ending feud that is affecting everyone.

They keep trying to drag me into this feud and have me take sides, but I have told both of them flatly that I will not take sides, this issue is for both of them to work out. That worked for a little while, not so much anymore.

When they call to speak to me, they can only talk about their anger towards each other, any other sort of conversation just never crosses their mind. I get tired of hearing about their little war with each other. All I want is for everyone to get along, let the kids see each other (my kids and my brothers kids) but none of that can happen with this fighting happening.

All I see is heartbreak, frustration from children unable to see each other. (I live in another state from my family so it takes a lot of planning to get them to see each other.)

This feud is between my brother and my mother and its getting really bad. My belief is that what you put out there will come back to you. So I treat everyone as I wish to be treated. However, my feuding family members can't see that their anger towards each other is stuck in this never ending cycle of anger since neither is willing to compromise. If affects my children and I because now I can't see my nieces without an intervention.

Any ideas on how to handle feuding family members without becoming a part of the fight? I'm out of ideas.

[wolfgaze]

Any chance you can specify what the feud is over? That might help others in providing advice/input....

[novaspirit]

Thank you Wolfgaze. Hopefully this helps.

Our parents divorced when both my brother and I were young preteen/teen. It was a very nasty divorce which our parents often times used us as weapons against each other. How both of us managed this turbulent time in our lives is the basis of where we stand today. I have learned to forgive both my father and mother, my brother, took my fathers side and has held anger against my mother for many years. This has a lot to do with underlying factors that is a source (not all of it) of anger from my brother to my mother. My brother and I during this part of our history were very close to each other as we were each others rock while our parents feuded and divorced.

Fast forward. I moved to another state to begin my career, family and children. My brother stayed in our home state began his career and family. At first, my mother and my brother seemed to overcome their differences. My nieces were born and were always at my mothers house. For nearly a decade, they stayed at my mothers on the weekends and took long summer vacations with her as they traveled the world. My brother and his wife allowed this.

But something happened. I don't live near them so I don't have all the details nor do I witness anything as I'm not there to see it. My brother started accusing my mother of trying to keep the kids away from him. There was always an underlying tension to their relationship but just this year it has exploded to awful levels. The last time I saw my niece was this summer on a nice trip where my kids and them played together. I got a call saying that I can't see my nieces if mom is around.

I reminded him, that both he and my mother needs to work through their anger towards each other, leave me out of it. I'm not there and don't want to be a part of it. I love both my brother and my mother. He said fine.

Now to not judge my brother, I understand his frustrations. My mother can at times be unbending and controlling. She can be very negative as well. sometimes watching my brother and mother fight is like watching a mirror of themselves fighting. They don't see how similar they are, but they both believe firmly they are different and in the right.

They keep looking to me to solve their issue or take sides. I really honestly don't know the answer for them. I'm empathic therefore the negativity affects me strongly and throws my balance off. It's like being hit by a wall every time I speak to them and all they speak of is their feud. But I listen and try to understand their point of view.

Sometimes what I suggest has ill effects. I say sometimes, you have to just put aside what is stressing you and step back so you can see the situation clearer. So they take it as.. cutting each other out of their lives and then using me as a mediator to speak. Soooo not what I had in mind!

Any ideas are greatly appreciated.

[wolfgaze]

I appreciate you elaborating.. Thank you... I think that extra information will be helpful for others when determining how to respond...

Between your brother and your mother - which if them do you think is more likely to show growth and be open to reconciliation over these matters? Do you think they are both truly capable of this? Or is maybe one of them more likely to 'come around' than the other? Do you see one of them as being entirely resistant to change and likely to hold their position at all costs?

I guess you really have to assess what and who you are dealing with in these matters and arrive at a decision as to whether it's even feasible for you to intervene in all this and spend your energy attempting to mediate and facilitate a resolution. Determine if it's an attainable outcome - you know? Should you decide that this is an insurmountable task or arrive at the understanding that it's 'on them' to bring this about - you may need to seek acceptance of these circumstances and focus on developing more control over your empathetic reaction to their feuding. Finding ways to shield yourself from being dragged down by the drama and tension...

The tough thing about helping people in general is that they must reach a state where they want to help themselves and improve their condition... Otherwise they will just remain stagnant and resistant to change because they aren't yet ready to take the steps to move in a new direction....

You can only do so much from your end of things - right? Have to weigh how much your involvement in this is affecting your mental and physical health and assess if it would be wise to continue your efforts to find a resolution, or to pull back (withdraw) and do your best to remove yourself from this as much as you can...

The children will be okay even if they aren't seeing their cousins (or as much as you would wish for them to) - I think the larger concern would be how the stress experienced by the parents (including yours) is affecting the family relations at home...

Just stay aside - don't get involved, keep your own counsel. Let it play itself out, uncomfortable as it is. As you live some way distant you can simply bat off attempts to get you involved. Ultimately you have to tell each that their problem isn't yours, you aren't part of it so you aren't in a position to comment.

...

[Ronin]

It sounds like they have some issues to work through in this life.

Trust and forgiveness perhaps.

It's something they are going to have to get to the root of on their own.
Maybe your brother saw something in your mother that triggered some ugly emotions he put away after the divorce.

They should probably seek counseling if they feel like they can not be 100% honest with each other, and once they hear that honestly not throw up a defense.
...just let it get said, apologize for what they can/are ready to, and start with a new foundation