Feeling really drained when I am in a group of people

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by blackraven

Luminous - I'm pretty reclusive, but last year I had to go to a very big social event with about 150 people. I sat at my table trying to hide for the longest time, until my spouse told me it didn't look good. But I'm not one to mingle. So I made it over to the bar and ordered a glass of wine and found one person I was comfortable with and stayed there for a good portion of the time talking one on one, which is what I can handle. Perhaps when faced with large groups, because your sensitive and get over stimulated, it sounds, by lots of people, you can single out one or two people and create a little group within the big group. It is overwhelming, but there are ways to survive. I had anxiety leading up to the last big social event for over a year. But I survived and didn't die, LOL.

I have another large social event that I have to attend this week. This time I told myself I wasn't going to waste time being anxious about it for months before it ever happens. The day of the event I will be nervous, self-conscious, anxious, etc. But I have a plan. Go in, find my table, and stick it out there in the small group of people I know well. I'd rather have teeth pulled than go to these events, but sometimes they just show up in life and I've avoided way too many things like this in the past because of social phobias. I'm at least attending now. Taking little steps to build up tolerance is the key for me. I'll return back to my protective nest once the event is over where I can recoup and restore my unsocial private energy. Hope this helps.

Blackraven

I was very similar to you, I felt dreadfully exposed and vulnerable at social functions. I think what it boiled down to, for me, was being afraid of being judged, and ultimately I feared being judged because I had a pretty low opinion of myself, and I assumed other people would, too.

I think I'm starting to get over it, because I'm learning to make my feelings conscious - I think there's been an unconscious desire for my feelings to be different, but now I just acknowledge them. It helps me perceive other people much more clearly as well, I think, because my perception of them isn't so obscured by all these unconscious feelings.

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by A human Being

I was very similar to you, I felt dreadfully exposed and vulnerable at social functions. I think what it boiled down to, for me, was being afraid of being judged, and ultimately I feared being judged because I had a pretty low opinion of myself, and I assumed other people would, too.

I think I'm starting to get over it, because I'm learning to make my feelings conscious - I think there's been an unconscious desire for my feelings to be different, but now I just acknowledge them. It helps me perceive other people much more clearly as well, I think, because my perception of them isn't so obscured by all these unconscious feelings.

A human Being - Other's judgment has got to play a big part in my social vulnerabilities as well. I had a thought recently that helps me and that is everyone at an event thinks all ears and eyes are on them. If everyone is worried about him or herself and how they look, are being perceived, are coming across to others, etc. the focus isn't really on me after all. Each person is focused on him or herself. Whether or not that's completely true or not, I don't know, but it's something I started telling myself in order to walk into these social events and not feel quite so self-conscious. Thanks for your comments, A human Being.

Blackraven

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by blackraven

A human Being - Other's judgment has got to play a big part in my social vulnerabilities as well. I had a thought recently that helps me and that is everyone at an event thinks all ears and eyes are on them. If everyone is worried about him or herself and how they look, are being perceived, are coming across to others, etc. the focus isn't really on me after all. Each person is focused on him or herself. Whether or not that's completely true or not, I don't know, but it's something I started telling myself in order to walk into these social events and not feel quite so self-conscious. Thanks for your comments, A human Being.

Blackraven

That very thought occurred to me just the other day, as I was walking around Manchester city centre - the unconscious feeling of 'oh God, everyone's looking at me' came to the surface, and naturally enough I did my best to look normal (which is a sure-fire way to make oneself look abnormal, I find ). And I'm just trying to control all these anxious thoughts and feelings swirling around me, and it's just all so exhausting, and I'm no actor so I'm not really fooling anyone, deep down. And it's funny, but when you give up the pretense of being 'normal,' and unflustered by the situation, then you relax.

Likewise thanks for your comments blackraven

EDIT: I meant to say, in addition, that when you're obsessed with how you're being perceived, eveyone else is just Simon Cowell sitting in judgment on you, and the world can seem a very intimidating place. I find that if I give my emotions free reign instead of trying to control them, it allows me to give more attention to other people, they're not just hostile bodies on the periphery of my awareness.

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by A human Being

I meant to say, in addition, that when you're obsessed with how you're being perceived, eveyone else is just Simon Cowell sitting in judgment on you, and the world can seem a very intimidating place. I find that if I give my emotions free reign instead of trying to control them, it allows me to give more attention to other people, they're not just hostile bodies on the periphery of my awareness.

This is good advice, A human Being. Great analogy with Simon Cowell. I think in large public settings I'm so aware of my uncomfortableness that that emotion takes me over completely. Giving free range to emotions, I would assume, is pushing outside of that protective 'me' shell and experiencing everything and everyone else around. Every once in a while someone out in public will break my concepts by approaching me and saying just a few kind words. It may only be, "Good Morning" or "Have a nice day" that lifts my spirits. I tend to walk around in a cloud, not forcing a lot of eye contact with others. But I'm working on observing others more. Nice additional input, A human Being.

Blackraven

Originally Posted by Luminous

I need some help about this. I don't know how to act when there is a lot of people around me. I think I am too much sensitive to other people, I can sense their energies, vibrations and I don't like spending time in places with a lot of people.

It's called introversion. Join the club.


eudaimonia,

Mark

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by blackraven

This is good advice, A human Being. Great analogy with Simon Cowell. I think in large public settings I'm so aware of my uncomfortableness that that emotion takes me over completely. Giving free range to emotions, I would assume, is pushing outside of that protective 'me' shell and experiencing everything and everyone else around. Every once in a while someone out in public will break my concepts by approaching me and saying just a few kind words. It may only be, "Good Morning" or "Have a nice day" that lifts my spirits. I tend to walk around in a cloud, not forcing a lot of eye contact with others. But I'm working on observing others more. Nice additional input, A human Being.

Blackraven

Yeah I've been the same for most of my life, I always felt very threatened in public places, and then I'd retreat into my shell and the defences would come up. So a big part of spirituality, for me, has been about learning to drop the defences and surrender to the fear; it's funny how the world seems to slow down and appears much less chaotic when I do that.

I started to become conscious of how little eye-contact I was making with people a few months back, and made an effort to look at people. It makes a difference with those I know, I think it actually puts them more at their ease when you just look them in the eye (and vice versa - if you constantly evade their looks, it puts them on their guard). Much more hit-and-miss with strangers, which is to be expected really, in a big city; fear of the unknown, I guess, I'm not usually brave enough to look at a stranger for more than a fleeting glance because I don't know how they're going to react.

[Luminous]

Thank you all for your answers. I have related to many of you.
I can't be myself in public places. How do I break these defensive barriers and stop caring what other people think about me and just be myself?

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by Luminous

Thank you all for your answers. I have related to many of you.
I can't be myself in public places. How do I break these defensive barriers and stop caring what other people think about me and just be myself?

Bring your attention to your body, notice how it contracts (we like to think we're apart from them, but really we're just highly-evolved animals); take a deep breath, right into your belly, and relax; allow the fear to flow through your body - you'll have to take a bit of a leap of faith and trust that it won't hurt you. We cause many problems for ourselves by trying to keep negative emotions at bay, so get into the practice of allowing yourself to fully experience what you had previously attempted to keep out. It can feel uncomfortable, but it often feels exhilarating, too.

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by Luminous

Thank you all for your answers. I have related to many of you.
I can't be myself in public places. How do I break these defensive barriers and stop caring what other people think about me and just be myself?

Luminous - I just attended that second function I talked about earlier in the thread to which over 200 people were there. Like, what A human Being said, I tried consciously to be aware of my body positioning, language it was portraying to others, facial expressions and breathing. At several points in the evening I found myself hiding in my chair at my table, never getting up to mingle with anyone. People would come over to me to sit down and talk. Even then, I noticed I felt like a mannequin, rigid, stiff, shoulders tight, plastered on forced smile, and having difficulty trying to formulate words to respond to others.

Then half way through the night after several people had approached me I started to relax my posture and began looking around the room at various people. I found myself just observing quietly and taking in the body language of others. It would appear some were very relaxed, which I envied, but many appeared to be as uncomfortable as I. Toward the end of the night I actually got out of my chair and approached some people that I know well and that felt very comfortable for me.

One person, to whom I've had some bad history with, waited for me at the exit and hugged me. Just then, my shoes fell apart - literally. A strap broke on one and both heals broke. I don't know if anyone noticed, but I was mortified and hobbled out to the parking lot. Once back in the car I relaxed, my breathing returned to normal and I no longer felt self-conscious. In looking back at the evening, I give myself permission to say I handle it just fine. There are no rules for those that are sensitive to large groups or introverted, shy, you name it.

A human Being mentioned a while back to essentially get out of oneself, hyper-awareness of self, and observe others. That's all one can really do. It took me a while to get to that point in the evening, but once I did, I no longer was focused on how uncomfortable I was and began enjoying the event - kinda. Each time I expose myself to my biggest fears, one being large public settings, it gets easier. Just thought I would share my experience with you.

Blackraven

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by blackraven

Luminous - I just attended that second function I talked about earlier in the thread to which over 200 people were there. Like, what A human Being said, I tried consciously to be aware of my body positioning, language it was portraying to others, facial expressions and breathing. At several points in the evening I found myself hiding in my chair at my table, never getting up to mingle with anyone. People would come over to me to sit down and talk. Even then, I noticed I felt like a mannequin, rigid, stiff, shoulders tight, plastered on forced smile, and having difficulty trying to formulate words to respond to others.

Then half way through the night after several people had approached me I started to relax my posture and began looking around the room at various people. I found myself just observing quietly and taking in the body language of others. It would appear some were very relaxed, which I envied, but many appeared to be as uncomfortable as I. Toward the end of the night I actually got out of my chair and approached some people that I know well and that felt very comfortable for me.

One person, to whom I've had some bad history with, waited for me at the exit and hugged me. Just then, my shoes fell apart - literally. A strap broke on one and both heals broke. I don't know if anyone noticed, but I was mortified and hobbled out to the parking lot. Once back in the car I relaxed, my breathing returned to normal and I no longer felt self-conscious. In looking back at the evening, I give myself permission to say I handle it just fine. There are no rules for those that are sensitive to large groups or introverted, shy, you name it.

A human Being mentioned a while back to essentially get out of oneself, hyper-awareness of self, and observe others. That's all one can really do. It took me a while to get to that point in the evening, but once I did, I no longer was focused on how uncomfortable I was and began enjoying the event - kinda. Each time I expose myself to my biggest fears, one being large public settings, it gets easier. Just thought I would share my experience with you.

Blackraven

Bringing me out in a cold sweat just reading that Sounds like you made progress though, good on you

I think the thing one has really got to make conscious is the resistance - the feeling of 'I don't want to be experiencing/I shouldn't be experiencing these uncomfortable feelings.' Because the funny thing is, when you can adopt an attitude of being all right with discomfort (ie of surrender, acceptance), that's when it goes.

And I know what you mean, it came as a bit of a surprise to me that, actually, the great majority of people feel some level of discomfort in that sort of situation. With some of them it's obvious by their awkward body-language, while others attempt to hide it behind an aloof front, but you can still tell.