Trouble a time work and wanting to quit, fighting and colostomy bag

[Ladyrose92]

Dreamt I was at work. They wanted ice Lollies so I said I'd go and get them. I asked Matt to pick me up and take me. When I was there I got some other bits too and I saw my mum. I spoke to her briefly but said I had to go because of work. When I got back they said they didn't want the lollies anymore. The office was in my bedroom. Sarah came in and squared up to me briefly as she passed but didn't say anything. I wondered what was wrong. She had moved her stuff and in the process three of my bras were on the floor. I was confused and annoyed picking them up asking what was wrong. They said Sarah was annoyed that I bought other things as well. I looked at the time and I had been an hour and a half so she must have been annoyed it took so long. She asked me if a bag in the corner was mine. I looked in there and it had rubbish from my lunches so I went to tidy it but left it there as I forgot and wanted to leave. I left and was with Matt. He said he understood why she was annoyed if I didn't just buy the lollies but I was saying is it really a big deal. The next day back at work it was like school mixed in, there was a new seating plan and I was checking the desks for my name. My old friend Andrew was there and we hugged. I couldn't find my space but then saw they had sat me right at the front literally inches from the screen. I was angry and was saying I am not working here anymore that I will be handing in my notice. An old teacher was there Mr.Murphy and I was venting to him about all the things they had done to me the day before and now this. I said I wouldn't tolerate it. He was listening at first but then got nasty himself. He attacked me and I was fighting him off. We was fighting on the floor and he was really hurting me. He almost killed me and through persistently fighting him off he soon calmed and stopped attacking me. His wife was a person who helps and speaks to students so he said I could speak to her so I was waiting for her to arrive. At some point later I was at the hospital and had a colostomy bag fitted. I was at home trying to lay on my belly to sleep but it was uncomfortable and I didn't want to damage the colostomy bag. Matt didn't realise how serious it was and I lifted my top to show him and he couldn't believe it, he was shocked and said oh Stace. I realised at that point that I couldn't take my green top off as the tube went through it, I thought I would have to cut it off if I needed to change my top. I was looking at the colostomy bag and living with it then I woke up.

My first thoughts was that my mum used to have a colostomy bag. I've never dreamt of anything like this before. Also last night before bed I was asking God to show me/remind me what my destiny is. From this and what I already know in my life experience I felt like it is to grow from or experience hard times to grow into who I am meant to be.

I accessed my old Facebook account yesterday to get all my old pictures from it and to delete the account permanently. In the earlier pictures when I was about 15-18 I looked so happy and was having fun and I could see I enjoyed being around people. My style was individual and I experimented with my appearance and looked comfortable in myself. Although I remember at the time I felt like I had a growing feeling that I wasn't good enough, and that people around me were better than me in many ways, appearance being one main aspect, and that I wasn't as good a person or personality to be around, I felt so self conscious, but when I look back I looked so beautiful/happy and wish I felt/looked like that now, like I wasted time feeling rubbish about myself in a way when I should have known my worth. I can then see from age 18/19 I got so fat and didn't look like myself at all, I looked depressed and it wasn't my usual sunny self, my face was different and I just didn't look like me. It was quiet shocking and sad to see this as although I knew I was changing then, until this point I didn't see the vast difference in myself and what it meant to me, I would try to ignore it or not want to acknowledge this in myself. Since then I lost weight before I met Matt but was still bigger than usual and not my usual self, and over the last 6 years, I'm now 26, I have struggled with my weight and depression and knowing my worth etc and being on a mission to find/understand myself. I feel sad that being hurt in whatever way (which I haven't pinpointed it feels like a number of things in my life) has affected me so much, that I close off now and don't want to be around people. Its like my own feelings inhibit me so much that I get anxious and feel uncomfortable openly connecting with people and just being myself. I feel like I've lost that. My negative feelings get the better of me and although in my heart I know I am a good person and I have lots of love etc, I find it a struggle to be that person most or all of the time naturally like I was before. Matt said to me at the beginning of our relationship that I should stop reading so much on the internet about spiritual things, stop thinking about things so much and just live my life, and that he knew I would change who I am as a result of it. This is true and has happened, but ultimately I feel its been necessary for my growth and those niggling feelings I had that grew from being hurt/disappointed before, have snowballed and led to all of what I've been through. I feel stuck now like I don't know how to get back to that happiness in myself, I've tried everything but I feel like its affected me too much and I don't know how to be free and happy again. I feel like this is all part of my growth but looking at those pictures made me realise just how much of a journey I've been on. There's so much more I could say but this is a summary of what I see. I feel like I'm at the pinnacle now but I need to make that final leap or I don't really know to be honest. I thought today it might be a good idea to go to counselling again as I can see the whole picture of the past but just not the future, or to really look at myself to understand this all and to heal fully from the hurt I feel so that I can move on and start living my life again and progressing. I've always believed that people grow the most from the depths of despair, and when I've spoken to God in myself, I've said that I would rather go through that journey to be free, than to not and never reach the full potential of what I can be. So I feel this awareness and what I've been through all relates to this, I just need to take the final steps now to really move on from this and be happy again. I've been sorting out my life, and maybe things like a healthier diet over time will lead to me having a healthier body and feeling comfortable in myself. I used to be so slim, I loved eating delicious food, but now I eat in excess and think about it all the time and eat as a comfort, whereas when I was young I would eat because I was hungry, it wasn't really on my mind as much but I would enjoy it when I had something good. Maybe just looking after myself more such as starting an exercise regime, which I've never had really, such as a sport I enjoy, that will lead to me not focusing so much on how bad I feel and then comforting myself such as eating, or before how I done drugs for 6 years, now I don't. Maybe it will be a step by step thing rather than a dramatic change, but I feel I want to be free of all this now and not waste any more of my life.