Moving on without TF

Originally Posted by Smiler

[color=DarkOrchid]Hello again Solefald

My Apologies on the terminology 'need'. In My view and experience to date it is a journey about truth & love ..and facing fears. I do understand needs people may have for sex if they are not with the one they love although myself personally I don't want too. What I was trying to convey is why put yourself through pain by being with others sexually when your heart is else where? Its empty IMO compared to the loving divine essence of two hearts joining as one. Hence I personally would choose celibracy ( and I have done..that in itself is another journey..a hard one but worth it as there is a lot of self discovery and fears met ..and It did not help having a high sex drive). Sex is Sacred to me as well.
I think the journey into self love opens ones eyes to other area's.

I wish you well sincerely, in other area's are these too being sorted? For Example do you know her favourite color or birthday or what she likes and dislikes? Do you know her characteristics? Habits , dreams , Fears , etc etc I think myself it is really extra special when two met in the middle equally on heart , mind, body and soul. And have trust love & respect etc etc
One never knows ..what the future holds in the LOVE department. Self love is the key to opening many doors.
Its 3.20 am in OZ..I hope my reply is not vague.

I connect well with your energy from what you write. I like that. Only a few women I can sense that well from what they write.

You have very valid points on celibacy. As you in other words say; it is my body that has ached to be with another, not my heart. I do not seek that. Thank you for showing me that road too.

I know her favourite colour, food, bands, songs, tv shows etc. I know how she moves her body when she is day dreaming. I know how her face looks like when she is occupied. I know who she uses small moves from ballet when she is walking when happy. I know what side she prefers to sleep on and how she shapes the pillows etc to sleep best. I know how her eyes radiated like stars in my presence. I know her with all me senses, from taste, smell, touch etc.

I think I know her fears better than she does.

On self love I realize more and more that I do not have so much of that. Im being very hard on myself most of the time, but I cannot recall a moment in my life where I has really loved my self..

Originally Posted by Jatd

Oh wow. My heart aches for you and for her. I wish I knew what to say. But I understand your strife and it feels you are cheating your heart, then you are. Be fair to yourself. Don't push anything that doesn't belong for the sake of not being alone. Love yourself. Love that heart of yours.. until it finds her again or until it heals.
((hugs))

Thank you Jatd! Your words are of comfort!

Originally Posted by soulful

Soefold...I can only wish she knows what's in your heart in the way you have expressed to us with your beautiful words. Have you shared them with her??

I don't know of any woman who would feel negatively toward the beautiful words you just shared with us about her.

Have you considered sending them to her in a letter if you haven't already? They are profoundly beautiful. It is not often a man can bear his heart and soul like that.

Hi Soulful!

Not these exact words no.

This one I wrote to her in a leather notebook (Moleskine), and gave to her last time i met her in October. It's translated to english from my native language, so it is not perfect.
"
To my muse

We came from the stars as small particles of light and energy, that over millions of years turned to life.

A true attraction, is the essence of two souls meeting in recognition.
Drawn together as if the sun shines on the night sky.

I'm drawn to the very essence of your being, your beauty and your soul,
to become on with you.

Separate we are deep ponds calm and still.
Together we are a wast ocean, stirring with life in unknown depths.
So profound it can never be described

My very essence chose you, and there is no greater gift I can give.
No great gift I can have

I am you
You are me
Together we are one

And to you..
I surrender
Forever
"

This i wrote to her the 17th March. This is translated too.

"
After we went our separate ways, I've gone through alot of emotional revelations that made me realize the reasons behind my actions and what I did. I want you to know that my desire to find my self never came from the wish to find someone better than you, but from the idea or fear of not being able to be a partner to someone without knowing who I was. I was in part fixated on the idea that I had to establish security in my life, before I could allow certain things in my life. That could not happen until I felt worthy of you. I understand why you don't trust me, and that I have hurt you. Being without you have taught me so many things.
I burning to show you that you can trust me, and that you are my number one. I did never leave you, but I fled from the feeling of not being good enough to be by your side.

I cannot stop loving you, because you are my number one. I was afraid to put me next to you.
I hope it comes a day where you can feel this, and how much you mean to me.
"

On both the response was 0.

[Impulsv]

"I know her favourite colour, food, bands, songs, tv shows etc. I know how she moves her body when she is day dreaming. I know how her face looks like when she is occupied. I know who she uses small moves from ballet when she is walking when happy. I know what side she prefers to sleep on and how she shapes the pillows etc to sleep best. I know how her eyes radiated like stars in my presence. I know her with all me senses, from taste, smell, touch etc."

Be assured this is how she feels about you. I believe my tf felt unworthy I saw him perfect in every way.
"
You said your peace beautifully. Its in her hands Now. I read this here "all the love you have for your tf take it inward to self"

[Smiler]

Solefald ~Hey .. what you have inside you is beautiful , for to know another one must know themself.

[I know her favourite colour, food, bands, songs, tv shows etc. I know how she moves her body when she is day dreaming. I know how her face looks like when she is occupied. I know who she uses small moves from ballet when she is walking when happy. I know what side she prefers to sleep on and how she shapes the pillows etc to sleep best. I know how her eyes radiated like stars in my presence. I know her with all me senses, from taste, smell, touch etc]



May I suggest not being too hard on you. Remorse if warranted only needs to be felt once to be lifted IMO the rest, is a mind trap.

The amazing thing about divine love is that it never leaves, The amazing truth about humans is that we are not perfect.. The mustard seed comes to my mind .

I like the symbol of growing through the elements to becoming a fine Old oak. There is much beauty in the world to see ...some times things happen so the individual can find again the senses of being one in a moment with life ..such as ..*awwwwww that is so beautiful* be it a bird or a butterfly etc . Kinda like a remembrance.

Your words are kind thank you :) .
Think of her with love always and love you too, a smile in your heart may shine a light on hers or vice versa..your light may make her smile.

What God has put together no man can divide ..Divine love , unconditional love , is always ..its not illusion it is real.
Writing is a gorgeous way to share heart ( maybe write a poetry book?) May I suggest..take a breath occasionally look back and see how much you have grown and travelled ..trust all is as it should be at that time. Speak your truth with no fear.

Blessings
:)

SOLEFALD...
You are a wonderful writer. Maybe you should write more or even write a book. It could be very therapeutic for you, and you may also help others.

And, I wish you to rejoin with your love. If I were her, I'd be running into your arms. I don't know how much more she needs to see you are genuine and true. It kind of makes me sad.

I wish you all the best on your journey back to the arms of your beloved!

Originally Posted by soulful

SOLEFALD...
You are a wonderful writer. Maybe you should write more or even write a book. It could be very therapeutic for you, and you may also help others.

And, I wish you to rejoin with your love. If I were her, I'd be running into your arms. I don't know how much more she needs to see you are genuine and true. It kind of makes me sad.

I wish you all the best on your journey back to the arms of your beloved!

Thank you Soulful! Yes. Perhaps i should do that.
I would like to ask another question here, since i have gotten so many great replies from great people.

I am the "father" kind of man. The natural leader that inspires and helps other people.
I am very energy sensitive to people, and and sense more than most people. Some people (only women) i read the exceptionally well. I have some latent abilities that have not developed in this. I realize that where i am not now, i do not feel self love, calmness or purpuse. I waver and get distracted by all the different paths i can go down and i am mentallyy taxing myself with this.

I live in a very small city, with 0 possibility for help her and i feel completely alone in this change.
ALOT is happening in my energy, strange dreams, extremely strong energies run through my body almost paralyzing me at times. I sometimes wake up at night feeling my entire body vibrating unable to move. I can feel someone is there... i have exploded several light bulbs with my energy as well. Once i was paralyzed for 45 minutes surrounded by people speaking a different language. Hah.

I dont know what to do with all this on my own..

Perhaps doing a retreat or something similar would be good for me. To find some support.

I realized by writing the previous post that i should love myself as i love her..
And the reason im afraid of letting go of her, is the fear of not finding anyone to replace her. In a way that should be me :)

I absolutely agree with Smiler and yes like you said, you should love yourself as you love her.
Wonderfully expressive writing you have. Thank you very much for sharing it. I enjoyed reading it

Unfortunately, I cannot offer help in the way you need as I have not experienced the body tremors, etc. or the others feelings you have.

However, since you said there is no help around you, perhaps with this great internet of ours you can seek out help through the internet. I know there are people who offers services via internet or phone.

Wishing you the best.