How to fix issues?

[GalTrav]

We all have them. Sadly, it prevents us from having good and stable relationships. Like attracts like. If you have anger issues, you will attract someone with the same issue. How to work together in resolving them?

[Baile]

Originally Posted by GalTrav

How to work together in resolving them?

Hi GalTrav. Do you mean how to work together with the person or people you have issues with?

My general rule is I work on myself. When others are involved, it makes it much more difficult to resolve issues because people don't all have the same level of interest and/or motive for resolving the issue. Many people are only interested in getting what they need, and aren't open to compromise. And I've learned I can't change people like that, I can only change myself.

If it's a serious personal relationship issue, or colleague work issue, then counselling and mediation is probably the best way to go.

To me, fixing problems is about getting the analysis right then finding ways
to put them right from whatever their source is. Not always easy and if
someone has doubt about their analysis then be careful. A wrong analysis
probably leads to a flawed outcome. It depends on how serious the problem
is and the extent of the changes how much one relies on the analysis.

Some problems can't be solved.

When it comes to issues that affect a relationship - well, in my reckoning, if
issues affect a relationship adversely then give it up - it's usually down to

- partner A's expectations that partner B can't satisfy;
- external events that can't be avoided so they force a change of focus and
priority in which the other can't give support (loss of a job when you're the
breadwinner? Winning the lottery and getting wanderlust?);
- traumatic event (say, a bereavement) that changes both A's focus while it
may force a change of focus on B which may fracture the thing depending on
their capacity for support;
- the freedom and space one allows the other;
- failure to conform to the explicit or implicit ground rules created when people relate. Failure of trust.

Probably many other things. Some can be resolved. Others not. I'm trying to abstract here.


"Like attracts like" sometimes works at the "topic" level as you say. Sometimes it doesn't.
The depressed person, the alcoholic, may attract a do-gooder who wants to support.
What may lead on from that..?. can both deal with changes as the subject recovers?
A musical person won't necessarily attract musicians.

Solving relationship issues needs trust, utter honesty, patience, a lot of common sense
- and acts to show what you mean, not words.
People talk far to much. (including me, prattling on here...with the best intentions!)

♥

[Baile]

I posted something in another thread about helping people that also applies to problem resolution. I said, "Help people if you feel the urge, not out of a sense of needing to help, but rather out of your love of life."

Enter into problem-resolution situations with others, not because you desire a specific outcome, but because you are committed to honest and open dialogue as a means to get to the truth.

Also, "If love of life is your motive, then whatever people choose as a response to your helpful efforts, has no negative effect... You've chosen love of life, and nobody can affect how you feel about that."

Likewise, if honest communication is your sole motive, however people respond to your honesty is immaterial. If they choose to shut down and don't wish to discuss further, that's not your problem. You've chosen honesty and openness, and nobody and their actions can affect your personal integrity.

Originally Posted by Baile

I posted something in another thread about helping people that also applies to problem resolution. I said, "Help people if you feel the urge, not out of a sense of needing to help, but rather out of your love of life."

Enter into problem-resolution situations with others, not because you desire a specific outcome, but because you are committed to honest and open dialogue as a means to get to the truth.

Also, "If love of life is your motive, then whatever people choose as a response to your helpful efforts, has no negative effect... You've chosen love of life, and nobody can affect how you feel about that."

Likewise, if honest communication is your sole motive, however people respond to your honesty is immaterial. If they choose to shut down and don't wish to discuss further, that's not your problem. You've chosen honesty and openness, and nobody and their actions can affect your personal integrity.

Wisdom......

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Badcopyinc

Wisdom......

Thanks. Call it NOW wisdom after years of ARRGH!! When I reincarnate next life, I'm coming back as a 45-year old. Those first four decades of life... ugh.

Best thing I ever made on my 3D printer.

It's also the best part of my day every day.

There's never any real problems in the now.

To the op. I choose to be my best self. I try to be present and honest and leave people happy or smiling.

With that being said I'll attract that in to my life. Like you said like attracts like.
Be your best you and you'll get more of that.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Badcopyinc

There's never any real problems in the now.

That's a very relevant observation when it comes to issue resolution. A very difficult thing for people to do is enter a resolution situation from a now perspective, with a clean-slate mentality. You're starting from scratch: nobody has offended anyone, and nobody has taken offense. Problems from the past don't exist in the now. All that exists in the now, is whatever the individuals now choose as they move forward.

What happens mostly though is people drag the past into the now, and in the process pollute the now before it has a chance to move forward. As in, "Whenever I say this, you get upset..." That statement is untrue in the now. In the now, nothing has happened yet.

[iamthat]

I like Byron Katie's approach to dealing with issues with other people. We tell ourselves a story that someone should do certain things or be a certain way, and we believe that story. Then we get upset because they do what they do or they are what they are. If we can let go of our story of how someone else should be or behave then it is easier to accept the reality of how that person is. People are what they are until they are otherwise.

And in most cases issues arise because other people push our buttons or we push their buttons. Often this is a subconscious process, and we react because it brings up all sorts of feelings about similar situations usually going back to childhood. So the first thing to do is to become conscious of what is really going on beneath the surface.

Peace.