Judgement

I feel disappointed at some of the judgement I read in people's responses I read - I've been around on the forum for quite some time now, and have noticed some of the people's responses are very judgemental considering I was also here when THEY were new members here with similar delimas going on in their own lives. Perhaps the details differ, but many many stories here face similar issues.

For the most part those people were not judged for their deep feelings expressed here, but shown compassion and support until they found their way through.

It's just a call to remind people that just because you have moved through a situation and found some kind of resolution - it doesn't give you the right to hop on your spiritual high horse and judge new members coming through who may not be in the same space as you and feel quite lost and vulnerable.

You don't need to agree on even encourage behavior that you don't agree with, but it would be nice to see the motivation of compassion behind posts instead of righteousness....

[Somnia]

I think the reason why misunderstandings arise is because we are all communicating on the internet and not face to face. People often misinterpret the tone in a message when it was not meant to come off as judgmental or "high and mighty." Then again, sometimes you can blatantly see it in a person's post, but you will never know for sure until you ask them for clarity. When people give advice on the internet, I think it's important to use phrases that keep things open and you're not stating something as a fact to someone else. It's like you said, we don't know what another person is going through, and we should show support and offer advice when needed, but I agree you can offer advice without sounding like a know it all. :P

Out of curiosity, can you give some general examples of what you're talking about? You obviously don't have to name any names or specific details that might make it easy to figure out who you're talking about but some general examples would be nice to understand the issue better.

No I don't want to go as far as examples - just a call out really for people to remember compassion within whatever they respond with. If people are coming from a place of compassion they will know this and not feel affected by my post.

I just remember how it felt being new here - and SO grateful that there were people further down the track than me that showed patience, compassion and support whilst I found my way through stuff.

It's generally what I stick around here now to do - in the hopes I can help someone in some way along the way as I remember what a lifeline it was for me.

Originally Posted by Loving_Soul

I feel disappointed at some of the judgement I read in people's responses I read - I've been around on the forum for quite some time now, and have noticed some of the people's responses are very judgemental considering I was also here when THEY were new members here with similar delimas going on in their own lives. Perhaps the details differ, but many many stories here face similar issues.

For the most part those people were not judged for their deep feelings expressed here, but shown compassion and support until they found their way through.

It's just a call to remind people that just because you have moved through a situation and found some kind of resolution - it doesn't give you the right to hop on your spiritual high horse and judge new members coming through who may not be in the same space as you and feel quite lost and vulnerable.

You don't need to agree on even encourage behavior that you don't agree with, but it would be nice to see the motivation of compassion behind posts instead of righteousness....

One of the most beautiful posts i ever read here, valuable humble wisdom, thank you

[Kiwigirl11]

Loving soul ,i guess this post is aimed at me over my response to you last week,i'm not bothered if it is tbh .. ...It may have come across like i was judging you ,or being high and mighty ,but i wasn't trying to be,i know i'm not perfect either,i know that and i havn't forgotten what i have been through either .....The thing is i have read so many posts on here about people cheating on their partners with their TFs ,or sleeping with a TF who is married with kids and there just seems to be no thought at all to these poor souls they are cheating on or lieing to ...It always seems to be all a poor me story alot of the times when i read this stuff,poor me they havn't left their wife and kids ,poor me they slept with me and now i havn't seen or heard from them for weeks and so on ,not once have i heard ,i feel so bad for their wife ,children etc ... I have tried so hard to understand and not judge why they are doing this to another soul/souls ,but i just can't ...So many on here seem to think it is ok to cheat so long as it is with their TF,it's like people make it alright in their heads because you have some crazy connection with this person... ,it is never ok and if it sits well with you to cheat and lie to someone who trusts you ,then really there is something really wrong with you ...I grew up with my father cheating on my Mother for years and you will never know the heartbreak of having to hold your mothers hand while she cried her eyes out night after night...... Cheating destroys families ,i know it destroyed ours and i know these woman would never have thought of the poor wife and kids at home ever and sorry i think these woman /men are very selfish,just my opinion ...I'm sorry if this comes across as judgy or that i'm being high and mighty.... ..I know the intense feelings one gets when they meet their SC/TF ,i know the intense pull you get ,because i have been there ...There were many times i would loved to have run into my SC arms and forgotten about everyone around me ,but the thought of my hubby ,my kids ,his wife ,his kids stopped me and the last time we spoke i told him we had to cut contact because of that and i told my hubby everything,yes it took me a while ,but i did it and i'm so glad i never went down that cheating path ...... I'm sorry if i have hurt your feelings LS ,i havn't forgotten about how lovely and helpful you were to me when i was at the beginning of all this and i am grateful to you ....I guess because of what i went through in my childhood ,i see red when i see people cheating on one another......At the end of the day LS ,this is your life and you will do whats best for you ..I know you really are a loving soul as your name suggests and i know it would never be you intention to hurt anyone ,i get that ... ..I will in future try to not be soo harsh in what i say and perhaps a little less judgy ,perhaps that is my lesson ...I hope you understand where i am comming from.....I wish you well LS ,whatever path you choose ....Kiwi

[SomewhereInTime]

Originally Posted by Loving_Soul

I feel disappointed at some of the judgement I read in people's responses I read - I've been around on the forum for quite some time now, and have noticed some of the people's responses are very judgemental considering I was also here when THEY were new members here with similar delimas going on in their own lives. Perhaps the details differ, but many many stories here face similar issues.

For the most part those people were not judged for their deep feelings expressed here, but shown compassion and support until they found their way through.

It's just a call to remind people that just because you have moved through a situation and found some kind of resolution - it doesn't give you the right to hop on your spiritual high horse and judge new members coming through who may not be in the same space as you and feel quite lost and vulnerable.

You don't need to agree on even encourage behavior that you don't agree with, but it would be nice to see the motivation of compassion behind posts instead of righteousness....

Oh how I wish there was a "Like" button!

Originally Posted by Kiwigirl11

Loving soul ,i guess this post is aimed at me over my response to you last week,i'm not bothered if it is tbh .. ...It may have come across like i was judging you ,or being high and mighty ,but i wasn't trying to be,i know i'm not perfect either,i know that and i havn't forgotten what i have been through either .....The thing is i have read so many posts on here about people cheating on their partners with their TFs ,or sleeping with a TF who is married with kids and there just seems to be no thought at all to these poor souls they are cheating on or lieing to ...It always seems to be all a poor me story alot of the times when i read this stuff,poor me they havn't left their wife and kids ,poor me they slept with me and now i havn't seen or heard from them for weeks and so on ,not once have i heard ,i feel so bad for their wife ,children etc ... I have tried so hard to understand and not judge why they are doing this to another soul/souls ,but i just can't ...So many on here seem to think it is ok to cheat so long as it is with their TF,it's like people make it alright in their heads because you have some crazy connection with this person... ,it is never ok and if it sits well with you to cheat and lie to someone who trusts you ,then really there is something really wrong with you ...I grew up with my father cheating on my Mother for years and you will never know the heartbreak of having to hold your mothers hand while she cried her eyes out night after night...... Cheating destroys families ,i know it destroyed ours and i know these woman would never have thought of the poor wife and kids at home ever and sorry i think these woman /men are very selfish,just my opinion ...I'm sorry if this comes across as judgy or that i'm being high and mighty.... ..I know the intense feelings one gets when they meet their SC/TF ,i know the intense pull you get ,because i have been there ...There were many times i would loved to have run into my SC arms and forgotten about everyone around me ,but the thought of my hubby ,my kids ,his wife ,his kids stopped me and the last time we spoke i told him we had to cut contact because of that and i told my hubby everything,yes it took me a while ,but i did it and i'm so glad i never went down that cheating path ...... I'm sorry if i have hurt your feelings LS ,i havn't forgotten about how lovely and helpful you were to me when i was at the beginning of all this and i am grateful to you ....I guess because of what i went through in my childhood ,i see red when i see people cheating on one another......At the end of the day LS ,this is your life and you will do whats best for you ..I know you really are a loving soul as your name suggests and i know it would never be you intention to hurt anyone ,i get that ... ..I will in future try to not be soo harsh in what i say and perhaps a little less judgy ,perhaps that is my lesson ...I hope you understand where i am comming from.....I wish you well LS ,whatever path you choose ....Kiwi

Hey Kiwi it wasn't directed at you, nor did it have relation to what was said last week, it was a general call out to people to remind them to have compassion when responding to people and their deepest soul experiences.

You are VERY correct when you mention the potential hurts that can be created within these types of situations - can u see though that IS why people are here, searching for a way to move through this, because their guilt hounds them, because their fears rise up in their face and has the potential to destroy them...I believe in the human spirit...I believe no one sets out to intentionally destroy another - I believe we all search for a way to live as pure in spirit as we can. We do fall, we don't get it exactly right every time - but it doesn't mean we are bad, or don't deserve compassion whilst we express our deepest feelings & thoughts.

Because of your past (and I understand how traumatic it wld be to go through that as a child) do you not also see the lesson within for you? You have been put into a situation where u cld be yr father - do u see it is not a lesson in right or wrong but in compassion and understanding for your Dad? Understanding too that experiences for ALL involved, even the hurt ones - are brought into our lives to experience growth, there is a lesson within for everyone - bless your Mamma, as much as it hurt her, I bet she went through lessons of self worth just to pinpoint one. I know because I was your Mamma 19 years ago when at the age of 18 my sons father cheated on me and I became a single parent as a result.

As Kiwi woman we are passionate beings lol so we often don't mince words - I didn't take offense to your responses as I've grown up giving the same responses to others - it's almost in our blood to do so!! But I am learning, it's not always black n white, there are alsorts of shades of grey (still haven't read that book!) so instead of responding with a "it's right or wrong" attitude I try now to listen, to hear the story behind the story, to encourage strength of spirit that they have the power within to make the right choice, and not just survive it but flourish in the outcome because of the personal growth they have experienced. That's all, that's all we are here to do.

Thanks for your kind words love, I really appreciate hearing that from you xox

[Kiwigirl11]

Yes LS ,you are right .....I have often thought ,if i hadn't have gone through what i did in my childhood ,would i have cheated with my SC ,probably ,you are right,so yes i have no right to judge anyone ....Yes lesson learnt .....There is def an intense pull and it's hard to say no in these situations ,i get that .. ......Ever since meeting my SC ,i am seeing lessons in everything and everyone who comes into my life ...I look at life in such a different way now .....and yes i look back at hard time in my life and i see that i'm such a better person today because of them.....even my dad cheating has had it's positives ,i'm a stronger person for going through all that , so is my Mum ,she is amazing and doesn't take **** from anyone anymore lol ...There is a positive in everything if you look for it.... ..I'm so glad you didn't take offence LS as that wasn't my intention xxx

Do not be afraid to be judged
Do not be afraid to judge
Be brave enough to tell your truth
Let the real you to be known to others
Open your truth to others’ perceptions
Stand against others’ judgments
See your truth reflected through others
Every truth has 7 billion perceptions
Share your judgments
Let out your perceptions
Open your mind and heart
Be mirrors to all
Show what the other refuses to see
Do not walk on eggshells when you speak your mind
Do not hide behind the pretentious politeness
Do not cover up under the false pretenses
Do not sweet coat with lies
Show your truth
Judge and be judged
Here on this internet open forum
One must stand to face 7 billion perceptions and judgments
Those who shy away from others' judgments
Should keep their truth in a secret locked box

BTW, Loving Soul, I found your OP to be very judgmental of all.
What you judge as judgmental is actually the sharing of true perspectives.
Just because you do not like it does not mean it is negatively judgmental.
Maybe you should be opened to others' perspectives and accept that you just do not agree with everyone.
That is life and that is OK.
There are 7billion people on this earth. Anyone with internet access can come here and share their judgments. - from all walks of life and from all over the world.
It is GREAT!!
Some truths on this forum need some hardcore judging by others.
That is even GREATER!!

Anyone, just jump in here and judge what I wrote.
Because it is free speech and I WELCOME your judgement!!!
So, bring it on!!

Thanks Nada yup I too saw my post as judging so don't worry, my own presence in my statement was noted lol xox