Why people fear being alone so much?

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Altair

....We are obviously social creatures....

Besides intimacy, sex, and doing stuff together there's also the advantages of someone looking out for you, build something with, explore the world, and there are financial advantages when buying a house for instance. More possibilities.

Totally agree!!
Even though I like to be alone as well, always have. But that is due to childhood trauma in groups, my C-PTSD that's behind that preference.

But in essence we are social creatures, not meant to live like hermits or by ourselves. Even I can feel it, and I can be alone so well that I have to occasionally kick myself out the door, out of my comfort zone.

You can of course be single and have a very rich social life. But even then you miss out on a lot of important stuff, the intimacy and closeness you have with a partner. You don't have that with friends, not the same way.
And that intimacy is vital to our well-being!
Physical touch is crucial, non-sexual physical touch. It gives us a boost of our gender specific hormones which we need in order to be healthy physically, mentally & emotionally.

Intimacy, touch, social contact (and with a partner is again much closer than any other contact), strengthens our immune system, reduces stress and with that it keeps our cardio-vascular system healthy & strong.

Just a few important advantages.

I too miss out on that since I am both single and have a very meagre social life. I don't work either due to ailments, so I don't even have human interaction at work.
I feel great, in a sense better as I don't get triggered by anyone this way.
BUT I am fully aware it isn't healthy.
And if I slow down, tune into myself, I feel lonely as bleep. I recently became aware of that with exercises from my polyvagal book (C-PTSD)... So even though I cheerfully say I love being by myself it's not true. When I'm honest I'm horribly lonely.

We need other people around us for our health & well-being on all levels. That means people in all circles, periphery, outer AND inner! Short interactions with people like in shops, friends and family, a partner.

[Redchic12]

Altair…….” there's also the advantages of someone looking out for you, build something with, explore the world, and there are financial advantages when buying a house for instance.

Yes that may be true for a lot of people but it’s certainly not true for me. I have wonderful friends and neighbours who all look out for each other and often give a helping hand wherever it’s needed. I personally prefer to travel alone (or only with a close friend) And I do t need help with buying a house cos I already own one and financially I made sure many many years ago to set myself up financially for when I was older and it’s worked out good for me (so far) lol

Perhaps it’s different for women than men because we can ask for help easier than a man can and we can share our problems easier than men can and we hug and touch one another a lot easier as well. So maybe those few things makes living alone for us easier as well.

I’m not knocking men. I’m just looking at how we are biologically made and the advantages that each have.

[Redchic12]

FairyC……” But in essence we are social creatures, not meant to live like hermits or by ourselves.”

I do t feel that living alone is like living like a hermit, I mean hermits isolate themselves from people and society but many people who I know who live alone are often out involved in their hobbies, having coffee with friends, going to movies etc so that’s not exactly living like a hermit.

Yes you have a good point about intimacy and touching. There can be a lot less to being absolutely none at all. And that can affect some people, but not everyone. Some people really need that intimacy, others couldn’t care less about it.

But there again I know many women living alone who date men and stay over at weekends or vice versa and there are women I know who have very close men friends which they enjoy but still choose to live alone. But for me I don’t feel the need for that at all.

At the end of the day, what is right for one person isn’t for another, no matter what the so called experts say. Besides they have been proved to be wrong many times.

I personally believe that having a balance between interacting with others occasionally and living alone is a healthy happy life.

[Miss Hepburn]

Well said, Redchic. Post 23

[Starman]

People who do not get any alone time often end up with an emotional breakdown. I know married couples who take separate vacations, and I knew a woman who told me that she could only be married to a traveling salesman, someone who was not home all the time. During the pandemic domestic violence increased because people were quarantined at home getting on each others nerves. Yes, we are social creatures but it is healthy to get off alone by ourselves as well. The amount of alone time a person needs is individual and not dependant on some universal concept.
One size does not fit all people.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Totally agree!!
Even though I like to be alone as well,

Good post. Good points. Genuine and honest. I have a suspicion that people who say it's great being alone aren't that one dimensional IRL, and there are reasons behind it, because I know my lonesomeness isn't only because I like it like that, but also due to an array of things that make me incompatible with intimacy or personal closeness in general. Over the years and with age I just kinda resigned to the degree that I can no longer picture myself realistically in close relationships.

The way I look at is, if you isolate a baby - give it everything such as feed and toys and so forth, but no affection - that kid isn't going fare as well as a regular kid in an affectionate loving family. It's not like we get to a certain age and suddenly that doesn't apply anymore. We aren't built for lonesome lives. Sure we survive in lonesome lives and can be happy, but it's sub-optimal.

On a simple crude level, it would've been great if there was someone around to change the dressing on my back, but there isn't, so after the first few days when the doctor's dressing was off, the wound was exposed and unprotected. That crude layer implies the emotional level because no one cares enough to check on my day to day, and if I can't manage it on my own, it doesn't happen. Things are always better if you have a helping hand, like a team-mate, and that's how humans have always thrived. That physical, practical level has deeper psycho-emotional underpinnings, and I know my various personal disfunctions bring about the physical difficulty, let alone the benefits of closeness and intimacy.

I do not believe the 'aloneness is wonderful' rhetoric - because reality is more like how you gotta take the good with the bad. I like being on my own, but that doesn't mean it's 'all good'. Your post looks realistically at what's behind it, the path that led to this, the personal obstacles and deeper implications - and that is entirely credible and relatable.

[Starman]

As previously stated, there is a difference between being alone and being isolated. There are married couples who have stopped showing each other affection and they may feel isolated even though they live together. I have talked to lots of women who felt lonely in their marriage, also adults who had little kids at home and those adults felt lonely.

People tend to use other people like a drug, to get their emotional fix or their sexual fix, their need for affection, etc. An when they are not getting their emotional needs met, regardless whether they are living with someone or not, that is when loneliness sets in. But living alone does not automatically mean being isolated. Lots of people who feel spiritually connected never get lonely even though they may live alone.

Some people are just more emotionally needy then others; some need more attention than others. When I was a counselor I used to tell people if you have no one to hug you then hug your self, give your self affection and love. Get a pet, a dog or a cat, which is what a lot of people do these days who live alone, and they say they receive unconditional love from their pets.

[Redchic12]

Miss H. Thanks. Much appreciated.

FairyC. As I said, there is always single suffering and married suffering. I personally don’t miss anything about marriage but it doesn’t mean I don’t have my down days because I certainly do. Neither situation is great all the time. However, I feel I have more “greats” living alone than being married. Others have more “greats” being married.

As Starman says…..”one size doesn’t fit all”.

[Redchic12]

Starman #27.

Yes I totally agree with your comments.

[Redchic12]

Just thought of another thing. One of the main things that I enjoy about living alone is the silence.

I purposely do not have a tv blurring away in the background or anyone’s voices chatting away. It’s total silence most of the time until a friend or a neighbour calls in. We can never experience the joy of that silence if we were married.

As they say……silence is golden. (Well for some of us)