Acquaintances are Better than Friends

[Gem]

Originally Posted by Redchic12

Gem. I choose to live alone and don’t seem to have any hang ups and I have three very good long term friends who don’t seem to have any hang ups either. In fact I would say they are the kindest, sincere and well balanced people that I have ever met.

So I have to disagree with your comments.

The main difference is, when people say they live alone, and they have really good long term friends, that's not the same thing as not having close friends because you have hangups, and I think when people say they opt for a solitary lifestyle, they don't really have a solitary lifestyle at all. By the same token, people who really do have solitary lifestyles live in a lonesome way because they don't have the stuff for close relationships. Hence from my perspective of being solitary, other people who talk about being solitary aren't really talking about the same thing as me, but I still get along with my siblings very well, and I think I have some closeness with their kids, but from a distance that isn't getting involved - though I will be supporting my niece playing in Sydney's Premier Soccer League this year, without being a part of her space, but I think she'll still appreciate me being interested enough to catch a game without getting up in the mix.

[Redchic12]

Ah ok I see where you are coming from now.

Thanks for that explanation.

[Altair]

Depends on the person. An introvert is okay with solitude, and okay with a few friends or perhaps just acquaintances. Another person isn't okay with his/her solitude, feels trapped, most likely that person is shy or even a shy extrovert (they exist too!).

''Socially awkward'' is merely a label you gave yourself. Would you be that if you, with the same personality, were to be born and growing up in Japan or Iceland? I remember when I was in Portugal, and I've worked with Portuguese, most of them were introvert and nothing like how people are ''supposed to be'' in much of Western Europe or USA. An extrovert and his/her standard behaviour will be out of place and very much awkward in Japan or Iceland. So I take such labels with a grain of salt. People are different, no need to sabotage yourself or playing by the labels others would give you, unless of course you're actually shy and feel blocked.

[Redchic12]

Altair……..some very good points there.

[JustBe]

Originally Posted by Gem

I will be supporting my niece playing in Sydney's Premier Soccer League this year, without being a part of her space, but I think she'll still appreciate me being interested enough to catch a game without getting up in the mix.

It’s pretty rare you find people living alone in isolation, but I’m sure there are a few like that. Happily living off grid, fishing, hunting, often with an animal companion, no other humans around. Generally most people have somebody, even if limited. I’m around humans all day long in my job so I’m happy doing my own thing, away from people in between. I think as humans, if we feel connected within and have a strong connection to our own creativity, this can keep us content and immersed our own way.

I think most people will engage with others, if they feel safe and connected to be themselves. Some people are ignored and misunderstood, often I’ve found people won’t try hard with the quiet ones or the ones who might feel they don’t fit in. Working with a variety of children in the spectrum, taught me that sometimes you have to enter another’s world and see through their eyes, to truly build connection and relatability. For the children I worked with, I had to be the one to do that. Enter their world, see through their eyes. This is something we often disregard as humans. If it doesn’t fit our reality, we tend to ignore it. If we don’t understand another’s reality, or if it’s too foreign to our own, we ignore it.

Times have changed a lot with regards to understanding differences and challenges, but I still feel we have a long way to go with regards to other streams if humans abd their struggles and challenges.

[Redchic12]

JustBe…..” Working with a variety of children in the spectrum, taught me that sometimes you have to enter another’s world and see through their eyes, to truly build connection and relatability”

Yes I have found that to be true. For adults as well.

[JustBe]

Yes generally it can be harder with adults to find their place and connections. Children tend to have a lot more support nowadays, so I guess that represents the changes in their adulthood, that is to come, compared to times past, where many people had to struggle alone.

I can connect with almost anyone, but I can count on one hand those I’m most closest too.

Even then, I find the whole social world ( at times) a bit shallow, people drink a lot and become more open that way, which I find a little overbearing. There’s also people who stay on the surface of relating and that can be draining.

As a sensitive and someone more open, I do seek more authentic connections. Otherwise I’m ok not participating .. quite happy to stay in and binge my favourite series.. hehe.

Im lucky I live in a bit of a nexus of sensitive/spiritual types, including family members. I can drop into my fav coffee shop and the owner and staff are on my wave length. People have their own issues but generally they are good connectors, are interested in people. There’s a lot more give and take /balance in kindred types, for me at least.

Some of my fav people are my nieces and nephews and of course now it’s my great nieces and nephews. My grandson is on the top of that list .. ;)

[Gem]

Originally Posted by JustBe

It’s pretty rare you find people living alone in isolation,

Well, the isolation on this threads is about only having acquaintances and not any friends and/or a partner as close relationships, but in my case the siblings are pretty solid and the nieces and nephews are all in the clan, so it's really good actually. Besides, I don't really have strong attachments to the way my personality is and I don't think about how I should be better much at all, or feel like I need fixing or something. I'm still sure that real friends are better than acquaintances even though the stronger emotional attachment comes with some heartache. You can't cut be cut off and protected just because you fear pain. It's better to be vulnerable, but courageous.

[JustBe]

Originally Posted by Gem

Besides, I don't really have strong attachments to the way my personality is and I don't think about how I should be better much at all, or feel like I need fixing or something. I'm still sure that real friends are better than acquaintances even though the stronger emotional attachment comes with some heartache. You can't cut be cut off and protected just because you fear pain. It's better to be vulnerable, but courageous.

Yes there is that. Cutting off, in fear of pain. Or an unwillingness to be vulnerable. In any close relationship, whether close friend or partner, you’re going to go through a multitude of stuff that opens and cracks you apart. It’s inevitable that those closer connections, will challenge all parts of you. As I’ve learned and allowed, you can run from others, but running from yourself generally catches up to you in other ways. So I tend to let things break me apart.

Nowadays in my balance I do have more choices in who and what I expose myself too. Not in fear now, but more because I’m aware of myself and people as they are, they have their issues and sometimes it’s best, for my overall well-being to take care of myself differently, because of what their stuff might inject into the relationship. When you see, when you’re more aware of others, you have choices.

In my younger years I was blind so I often dived in head first and got very scolded. All part of growing and learning of course.

Being more open and clear nowadays, you tend to see others more clearly. It’s just the nature of being more truthful towards yourself. You see the truth of what is around you.

I’m lucky, my partner is my best friend. My sister and my neice are my besties. Having that base tends to fill up a big hole that might otherwise be distributed across a wider berth of humans to meet that deeper connection one seeks to form..

I think once your comfortable with yourself, with your own company, life gets a little more simple in that the needs and desires you once sought through others, is not as ‘big’ as it once, seemed necessary. I think building your own connection, changes a great deal about the supposed, norms of society..

A lot of people around me are seeking out stronger attachments, I’m a bit like you. Where I am now in myself, I tend to flow differently, than the person I once thought I was and felt I needed to be. I see what motivates people’s needs and desires and I’m ok letting other people fill those.

[Maisy]

Originally Posted by JustBe

Or an unwillingness to be vulnerable.

I think it's interesting how some words are conceptualized. In some post's being "vulnerable" is stated as a positive thing. Being "open" and not closed off etc. That is one popular use of the word or concept. Like someone gets hurt and is then closed off and not being vulnerable. One could also conceptualize it as a negative thing as the definition found online does.

Vulnerable definition.
vul·ner·a·ble
adjective
Susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

If one has abusive persons in their life, being vulnerable to them hurting you in various ways is a bad thing. "Open" is also an interesting concept as what is open? Open to relationship I suppose and there again, being open to all?, even to those who would harm you or wish you harm, or to those that do harm you, I'd say is not a good thing.

If one was walking through the desert with a lot of rattlesnakes one should not be vulnerable to them. One should not get close to them wearing shorts with no leg protections. Likewise if one is very sensitive, one must protect oneself. Like having a delicate flower that one should not expose to harsh weather.

I think when and if one finds true inner peace and joy, one should value that and protect it and nurture it. To keep away all that would destroy it. So to me, conceptualizing the situation or reality in these ways, being "vulnerable" is not a positive. But to me non-vulnerability does not involve these concepts of being "closed" or other negative attributes or concepts. It involves inner peace and love and openness to such things. I am not vulnerable or having a willingness to be susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. My peace is unmovable! Like the song lyrics from Across The Universe by the Beatles:

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me
Jai guru deva, om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Zero vulnerability with an open and free and very aware mind. Nothing can dim light and peace if one puts it first. There is no resistance to others as resistance is conflict. I am not fighting rattlesnakes, I am just where they are not. I know what they are and what they do. They do not intend to harm me, they just act according to their nature. It is not personal. Rattlesnakes are rattlesnakes. I could even stand in the middle of 5000 rattlesnakes and not be harmed if I was wearing a suit of armor. Wisdom and understanding and awareness is a suit of armor. It's wisdom to know what is the threat and how one protects themselves from harm. Words carry no weight we don't give them.

As the song lyrics state: "Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup. They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe." One in ego has a nature and it is expressed through words and deeds. It is not personal. It is an expression of a nature. It simply is. One does not need to do anything about it. One is not vulnerable to it if one is aware of what it is. It carries no weight except for the weight we give it. It is empty of form. Sentences written in the dirt, here and gone, only have a meaning if one is looking down.