So many questions, so confused

Just to pick up on one point (of many) we did indeed try many types of healing, remedies, diet change, herbs.
Her doctors words to me a few weeks after she passed were "We gave her maybe three months more, everything else was down to her" and as you know it was a 18 month fight in all.
Fight to me means we did not give in, we hit the bloody stuff with everything we could find both medical and spiritual.

Originally Posted by HalfaMan

OK, there is no much to reply to that I have decided to do it in bits if that is Ok.

Shock? well for the first four months I was in a deep shock.
While of course I feared losing her we were never actual told it would or could happen.
Only in the last week was I suddenly informed things were looking very bad indeed.

When you start fighting cancer like this, the 'fight' become all, it absorbs your life.

As far as everyone knew while her condition became dire, we were winning the fight, you only have to watch her Guardian Angles video made just a month before she passed to see how vibrant and full of life she was.
The decline took just a week and a half so I really do think I was in shock.

I was so dependant on her for so much, not just for the wifely things but as a part of me as my reason for everything.

Thanks

Mike

Hi Mike,

I lost a spouse (my beloved husband) to cancer as well. Apparently he had had the disease for some time unbeknownst to us, as it was stage four and already quite advanced by the time he was diagnosed. He lasted only 5 short weeks from the date of diagnosis to his passing. Shock is definitely the correct word to use to describe the state of mind of a spouse dealing with such a loss. There is no way the mind or emotions can acclimate and adjust in such a short time. And you are also right when you reference the fact that fighting the cancer becomes one's sole focus and mind-set for the duration. I too was very close to my spouse. We were/are Twin Souls. Losing his physical presence in my life was the greatest shock I've ever suffered and there it launched a severe and debilitating episode of P.T.S.D., from which I continue to suffer to this day. I was traumatized. No question. People who say this experience is anything less are either fooling themselves or have never experienced it. My sincere condolances to you on the loss of your wife and life-mate. I hope as time goes by you are able to find comfort and a way to pick up the pieces and go on with your life.

[BlueSky]

Originally Posted by LightFilledHeart

Hi Mike,

I lost a spouse (my beloved husband) to cancer as well. Apparently he had had the disease for some time unbeknownst to us, as it was stage four and already quite advanced by the time he was diagnosed. He lasted only 5 short weeks from the date of diagnosis to his passing. Shock is definitely the correct word to use to describe the state of mind of a spouse dealing with such a loss. There is no way the mind or emotions can acclimate and adjust in such a short time. And you are also right when you reference the fact that fighting the cancer becomes one's sole focus and mind-set for the duration. I too was very close to my spouse. We were/are Twin Souls. Losing his physical presence in my life was the greatest shock I've ever suffered and there it launched a severe and debilitating episode of P.T.S.D., from which I continue to suffer to this day. I was traumatized. No question. People who say this experience is anything less are either fooling themselves or have never experienced it. My sincere condolances to you on the loss of your wife and life-mate. I hope as time goes by you are able to find comfort and a way to pick up the pieces and go on with your life.

Hi LightFilledHeart,
I wanted to thank you for sharing about your loss and I wanted to express my condolences.
When you are married to someone that can truly be discribed as your 'other' half, as I am, these losses expressed here have special meaning and invoke deep compassion.
Much love............James

Originally Posted by LightFilledHeart

Hi Mike,

I lost a spouse (my beloved husband) to cancer as well. Apparently he had had the disease for some time unbeknownst to us, as it was stage four and already quite advanced by the time he was diagnosed. He lasted only 5 short weeks from the date of diagnosis to his passing. Shock is definitely the correct word to use to describe the state of mind of a spouse dealing with such a loss. There is no way the mind or emotions can acclimate and adjust in such a short time. And you are also right when you reference the fact that fighting the cancer becomes one's sole focus and mind-set for the duration. I too was very close to my spouse. We were/are Twin Souls. Losing his physical presence in my life was the greatest shock I've ever suffered and there it launched a severe and debilitating episode of P.T.S.D., from which I continue to suffer to this day. I was traumatized. No question. People who say this experience is anything less are either fooling themselves or have never experienced it. My sincere condolances to you on the loss of your wife and life-mate. I hope as time goes by you are able to find comfort and a way to pick up the pieces and go on with your life.

Hi and what a lovely reply, clearly you do know how I am feeling!
If I did not need to work I too would be off with PTSD but can't as it would mean the end of my career which is all I have left.

My condolences back to you.

Mike

Here is another thing that really bothers me!

This is the time I most need to cuddle up with my lady, she always said she would help me when mum or dad's time came.
But it went the other way as you have read, and while mum did her very bravest best to help me, toward the end she could not even reach out to me as her bones were so weak

But the lonely feelings are so intense now!
I find myself looking for my wife in other women, my bad mind rushes off on flights of fantasy before I crush them.
I really hate all of it.

I worry that my wife will be so hurt if she looks in and sees my thoughts, 100% loyalty was vital to her and me and it was easy for both of us!

Yes I am desperately lonely, and can't quite believe I'll never know the soft comfort of a wife's embrace, but I am only lonely for my wife, no one else.

It all gets so confused, sometimes I have to punch myself to brake the cycle.
I was never like this, why this extra torture?

Is it just me? be honest

[BlueSky]

Originally Posted by HalfaMan

Here is another thing that really bothers me!

This is the time I most need to cuddle up with my lady, she always said she would help me when mum or dad's time came.
But it went the other way as you have read, and while mum did her very bravest best to help me, toward the end she could not even reach out to me as her bones were so weak

But the lonely feelings are so intense now!
I find myself looking for my wife in other women, my bad mind rushes off on flights of fantasy before I crush them.
I really hate all of it.

I worry that my wife will be so hurt if she looks in and sees my thoughts, 100% loyalty was vital to her and me and it was easy for both of us!

Yes I am desperately lonely, and can't quite believe I'll never know the soft comfort of a wife's embrace, but I am only lonely for my wife, no one else.

It all gets so confused, sometimes I have to punch myself to brake the cycle.
I was never like this, why this extra torture?

Is it just me? be honest

Am I correct that she passed away almost 1-1/2 years ago?
Maybe what you are going through in regards to your thoughts is normal for that stage of this type of grief.
James

[Lynn]

Hello


WOW reading all these words has brought me to a rare place of tears. I have been blessed with 29 year's with mine but too I know full well how fast that can change. Its always in the back of me mind. I guess a lot from the work I do with Spirit.

I have suffered from PTSD before it was even called that. It is real and it is something maybe others's that have had the loss of a LOVed one might come to read here. It is very easy for one's to say and even Dr's move forward but that is not always easy to do.

The biggest tool I have ever come to find is writting things out and even if its shared with NO ONE its a clearing from self.

Not having suffered such a loss, but being Empathic to feel what that is I wonder how I would cope. I know having kids I would have to move forward, like with work one has to keep going.

I think this in itself if giving one's a chance to maybe heal a bit. To be able share in the stories and wear one's heart on one's sleve a bit is a good thing.


LOVe and Light

Too all left living and all in Spirit.


Lynn

Originally Posted by WhiteShaman

Am I correct that she passed away almost 1-1/2 years ago?
Maybe what you are going through in regards to your thoughts is normal for that stage of this type of grief.
James

Hi James

She passed 26 August 2009, feels like last week still.
Mum of course only passed in May this year.
Thanks for your thoughts, never having has to do grief of this kind I don't know if its normal or not

Originally Posted by Lynn

Hello


WOW reading all these words has brought me to a rare place of tears. I have been blessed with 29 year's with mine but too I know full well how fast that can change. Its always in the back of me mind. I guess a lot from the work I do with Spirit.

I have suffered from PTSD before it was even called that. It is real and it is something maybe others's that have had the loss of a LOVed one might come to read here. It is very easy for one's to say and even Dr's move forward but that is not always easy to do.

The biggest tool I have ever come to find is writting things out and even if its shared with NO ONE its a clearing from self.

Not having suffered such a loss, but being Empathic to feel what that is I wonder how I would cope. I know having kids I would have to move forward, like with work one has to keep going.

I think this in itself if giving one's a chance to maybe heal a bit. To be able share in the stories and wear one's heart on one's sleve a bit is a good thing.


LOVe and Light

Too all left living and all in Spirit.


Lynn

Hi Lynn

Bless you and I am sorry to have caused you tears!
I do worry that I am being to open here ?

Take care and thanks for everything

Mike

Mike, I don't know if you've come across the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who wrote several fine, moving books on her work with terminal patients and the process of grieving. Here's a small article I found:
The five stages of grief:

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not everyone who is grieving goes through all of these stages – and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.
Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss.Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

There is also something called 'complicated grief':
Symptoms of complicated grief include:

• Intense longing and yearning for the deceased
• Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one
• Denial of the death or sense of disbelief
• Imagining that your loved one is aliveSearching for the person in familiar places
  Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one
  Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss
• Feeling that life is empty or meaningless

I imagine you've come across this during counselling but it may be time for a reminder.

I lost one of my brothers to cancer earlier this year... his wife is in the same place as you, wondering how she will go on without the man she lived for. I can only tell you this - the pain will ease. It will never go completely and small things will rise up like a wave to pull you under years from now... but the pain will ease, you *will* go on... and they *will* wait for you. Your wife will not be horrified by your thoughts... she will be delighted, because then she knows you are healing and living. Don't die before your time. xxx