We're both married. Help!

[Teal]

hmm I was going to post from my android, but auto correct sucks. anyways. I think you need to take care of you baggage on this flight. Both of you. I get your situation. some of us are in this rather large boat, different live preservers

I would suggest reading a bit of the ;postings on this topic, and really solve your marriage issues first. Do not jump the gun.I have kids as well with the man who isn't my tf. they are young too.

Just go over your marriage with a fine tooth comb. spend some time with the hubby with out contact with tf. (He should do the same.) solve that first. take some time to tend to yourself. You do not want to jump into a whole new ball park without your gear.

You have two little kids you need to look at the big picture the hubby will see this not in a good way and be upset. and it will turn ugly.

Deal with the marriage if you decide its done deal with it. allow the time to recharge and then pursue the tf.

Originally Posted by Rin

You are right there isn't much compassion in this thread, but this compassionate approach has its problem in forums like this. People tend to take what they like and that which supports what they want from the current situation. Once one gets to the challenging part there is a good likelihood that they just drop out of the conversation because they got what they want, sympathy, empathy, a sense that the situation is fixable somehow, not that bad, and maybe even acceptable.

Is that not prolonging the agony and the period of indecision where establishing some control becomes more and more difficult?

There are good reasons to establish good rapport and a safe environment if there is little possibility of escaping from the conversation at no cost. IMO the internet does not provide such an environment.

Everything Rin said echos my sentiments. I think it's important to be able to listen to things that might not be so sugar coated because making decisions based on high emotions is quite often why rash decisions are made. I just automatically think of the bigger picture and about other people's feelings aside from the OP. Aside from sympathy, empathy and the like is Reality. I think sometimes people need to be reminded of it because it is in their best interest. There is Nothing wrong in that.

Originally Posted by WhiteShaman

So spiritual growth/love equals purposely hurting everyone around you and justifying it under the name of twin flame and kundalini awakening.

Obviously not. Sheesh! I'm so tired of this sentiment. But I admit, the frowns are a nice touch. Do you realize there are animated icons, and one of them is shamefully wagging a finger, you might enjoy using that one too!

I second SQ's encouraging honesty. To me, spiritual growth and love is about honesty and living within an ever changing inner landscape. The choices we face in our lives also change and evolve.

In these situations, becoming aware that we have married for the wrong reasons, or are with someone who will inhibit further spiritual growth is sometimes part of an individual's journey. As is realizing that emotions can overwhelm us and cause us to make irrational decisions that could destroy our families. It is up to each individual to discern where on that continuum they are. No one here "has the right" to dictate what is the correct path of action for another based on one post.

Personally, I check my motives every day. I am married, and met someone who has had a similar effect on me more than 6 years ago. I am still married, and this other person is still a major factor. I told my husband about him three days after I met him, and have made sure that he (my husband) is aware that I am still facing this challenge. Because I have been honest and asked my husband to help me deal with it, and because our marriage is about love and not property or promises I made when I was a completely different person; he has always assured me he will support me, even if I decide I need to leave.

To me, my husband embodies unconditional love. I stay with my husband because of who he is, not because it is the "right thing to do." I guarantee if I were married to someone who demanded obedience and forced me to cut this other person out of my life, I would be single now. Marriage gives no one the right to restrict their spouses access to joy.

Originally Posted by sahibsingh

Dear @ serpent queen. In our culture it is quite uncommon thing to have an affair after marriage. we 99 % of us devote are completely towards the one we get married to. Having an extramarital affair is considered a highly in ethical concept. As for me I never had an affair with any man. not even before marriage. This affair it one may call it so just happened instantaneously 8 months back. and I did not have any control on it. everything slipped out of my hands and i rather felt it to be god's will somehow. In India and specifically in our religion marriage is considered a highly sacred and auspicious bond. unless something major breaks it apart. we are totally committed to our marriage partner and family bonding. :-)

Thank you for sharing. I am fascinated by cultural differences, when it comes to marriage in particular. I do have friends who are in similar cultures to yours and who have described how beautiful it is to grow into a love for one's spouse, who wasn't chosen and who is essentially a stranger at first.

I have a friend who says the twin flame experience is like an arranged marriage on a cosmic scale.

A divine perfect partner chosen by higher authorities to whom we were born married. :)

Originally Posted by DulcePoetica

Obviously not. Sheesh! I'm so tired of this sentiment. But I admit, the frowns are a nice touch. Do you realize there are animated icons, and one of them is shamefully wagging a finger, you might enjoy using that one too!

I second SQ's encouraging honesty. To me, spiritual growth and love is about honesty and living within an ever changing inner landscape. The choices we face in our lives also change and evolve.

In these situations, becoming aware that we have married for the wrong reasons, or are with someone who will inhibit further spiritual growth is sometimes part of an individual's journey. As is realizing that emotions can overwhelm us and cause us to make irrational decisions that could destroy our families. It is up to each individual to discern where on that continuum they are. No one here "has the right" to suggest what is the correct path of action for another based on one post.

Personally, I check my motives every day. I am married, and met someone who has had a similar effect on me more than 6 years ago. I am still married, and this other person is still a major factor. I told my husband about him three days after I met him, and have made sure that he (my husband) is aware that I am still facing this challenge. Because I have been honest and asked my husband to help me deal with it, and because our marriage is about love and not property or promises I made when I was a completely different person; he has always assured me he will support me, even if I decide I need to leave.

To me, my husband embodies unconditional love. I stay with my husband because of who he is, not because it is the "right thing to do." I guarantee if I were married to someone who demanded obedience and forced me to cut this other person out of my life, I would be single now. Marriage gives no one the right to restrict their spouses access to joy.

All of that but also there is this great wisdom that comes when you realize you can love more than one person at a time. All of us with TF/SC's who are already married/partnered are living that Reality every single day.

I really hate being a cliche but the worst cliche of them all is to find oneself loving another and then deliberately finding fault with one's spouse because this helps to justify it all in our heads and hearts. The old "if I have fallen in love it must mean I never truly loved my spouse." Love just doesn't work that way. There is enough love to go around. Love is abundant; it does not rank, compare, or score. It also doesn't evaporate overnight because someone "better" came along.

What's more, humans are very very good at revising our histories to fit our own personal stories. The OP needs to ask herself -- honestly -- was there really baggage in her marriage before the TF came along? Or is she revising that history to fit the new narrative she's found herself in? Only she can answer and I am writing this with tons of compassion because this is the question I am constantly asking my very own self.

Ultimately I think I have personally concluded it's our culture that is all wrong. The culture that says you can have only one love. The culture that defines success as a marriage that lasts until death do us part (however bad or good that marriage happens to be -- I know WS's marriage is a lovely one). Then again maybe I am rationalizing.

For me, the only way out of the maze is following a policy of honesty. That includes honesty to my own self. I can't be honest with others if I'm not first honest with myself.

Now I'm just babbling but one last thought for the OP: no matter what you do, never forget that your husband will always be the father of your two children. No matter what you do, ensure that your relationship with him -- even if it legally changes -- remains strong, caring, loving, compassionate -- for their sake.

Originally Posted by DulcePoetica

I have a friend who says the twin flame experience is like an arranged marriage on a cosmic scale.

A divine perfect partner chosen by higher authorities to whom we were born married. :)

I like that.

I also like the whole idea our twins have personally chosen our mates for this life. Puts another spin on it all.

[gypsymystique]

I would suggest focusing on what you need to do for your marriage - whether it is staying or leaving. Think about the twin flame part later. It should NEVER be a factor in keeping or ending a marriage.

True love of any kind would never sever the bond of another.

[twinkle77]

Originally Posted by gypsymystique

I would suggest focusing on what you need to do for your marriage - whether it is staying or leaving. Think about the twin flame part later. It should NEVER be a factor in keeping or ending a marriage.

True love of any kind would never sever the bond of another.

So so true gypsy - well said!

[Quest]

Originally Posted by Rin

You are right there isn't much compassion in this thread, but this compassionate approach has its problem in forums like this. People tend to take what they like and that which supports what they want from the current situation. Once one gets to the challenging part there is a good likelihood that they just drop out of the conversation because they got what they want, sympathy, empathy, a sense that the situation is fixable somehow, not that bad, and maybe even acceptable.

Is that not prolonging the agony and the period of indecision where establishing some control becomes more and more difficult?

There are good reasons to establish good rapport and a safe environment if there is little possibility of escaping from the conversation at no cost. IMO the internet does not provide such an environment.

Have you ever contemplated that you may not have ANY control over your life? That the illusion of having established some control is just that, an illusion? And that if it doesn't work out and things fall out of control again, which they most certainly will, the pain will be exponentially higher than if you just accepted that there is no such thing as control over your life? Have you ever considered that there may not be a "safe environment" to be found anywhere?
Scary questions, I know, but very worth pondering to see where they lead us...

And regarding the OP, I have just had to learn the painful lesson that I need to follow my OWN path, without my TF being there as a back up. Yes, it hurts, but it is what I needed to learn to be able to find the strength inside of me that I need to lead a fulfilled life. I thought once I left my fiance, my TF would be there and we'd be in a relationship but he has completely withdrawn which is probably the greatest gift he could have given me, as painful as it is but I had to learn the many lessons that came with it.

So do yourself a favour and do NOT rely on your TF to be there for you. It's not a choice between your husband and your TF. It's about what YOU desire. If you cannot work it out with your husband, then you have to leave the relationship but be on your own. Please spare yourself the grief of having expectations, like I did. They never work out, never, especially not with a TF relationship. It can't work since you cannot be complete and whole yet after a traumatic break up. You have to find yourself FIRST.