Pain in my heart

I have grown to love mine too but I definitely did not think about it to the extent that you have. It's fascinating to read. We've personified our misery and take comfort in it's presence. I've done that so effectively that, sometimes, I'm not miserable as long as misery is around. Huh? Now THAT'S talking in circles.

Originally Posted by NeedPeopleWhoUnderstand

Lorelyen, you hit the head on the nail. I can feel myself repeating patterns real time and I am powerless to stop myself. It is programmed. As far as men go, all I can do is date a whole lot of them and perfect my approach as I go. Men I like freak me out to no end. I lose it. They scare me. I know the one has the power to make me lose myself and I never want to go there again. It's a horrifying place to be as I experience with my twin flame. I would like to fall madly deeply in love and to feel safe and loved and cherished, not vulnerable for the emotional beating of my life.

You've got an impressive understanding of yourself. You think a lot about this stuff.

Originally Posted by TheNationalist?

Yes, I lean towards that being what is missing for myself, too. I'm sure you're "normal"-whatever that means. Everybody has something (or many things) that they deal with. Every single person.

TheNationalist, I think we both need to realize our completeness in further depth. I believe we are complete as we are born, all of us. With every man who abandons me in dating, I recover better and better because I am starting to believe in my wholeness more and more. I am changing. But also, it does come to a point where I would like to have a normal life and cuddle with someone on the couch with popcorn and a movie for the evening. Never ending balance of desiring but letting go

Originally Posted by TheNationalist?

Wow. I want to see if we're on the same page here. Are you saying that you're pain is kind of like an old comfortable friend? It sounds like you've made your pain a part of your identity. I've also done that but am just getting to the point where I'm getting close to wanting to shed it.

Yes, I guess so. This thread is helping me understand and delve into where I am coming from. I guess in a different way other than the actual pain bundle, it is a part of my identity, actually in a huge way it is. Those are deep words TheNationalist. Never thought about shedding it. Like thinking outside of the box. Never thought was something to shed, quite the contrary. As far as my identity goes, that would be far much more complex to rid myself of. Much of my character and belief system is based on my heavily painful experience of life. That would be reprogramming and knocked out from all areas of who I am. I could be a female! I was never allowed to be a female as a child, looked down on and dirty. Even as an adult, my adulthood and womanhood are a joke to my loved ones

I read a book once called The Sacred Romance and it's underlying theme was just what you're saying about our completeness. I remember it giving me a complete paradigm shift in how I thought about myself. I guess it's time to revisit that book.

The never-ending balance of desiring and letting go sounds exhausting. I haven't done much desiring in my life (except for recently). Maybe I'm protecting myself from the pain of having to let go? Having to let go does kind of suck.

Originally Posted by TheNationalist?

I have grown to love mine too but I definitely did not think about it to the extent that you have. It's fascinating to read. We've personified our misery and take comfort in it's presence. I've done that so effectively that, sometimes, I'm not miserable as long as misery is around. Huh? Now THAT'S talking in circles.

Yes, it's scary how much the patterns in our mind create the same direction spirals. I work everyday to escape my direction, but it's exhausting and I have resentment because if I had growing up a different programming, I know life would be soo much easier and I could be like one of those people who are so far from suffering that they only reaction they have to a person who can go negative from time to time is judgement and get away from her reaction. It would be nice to come from that point of view. Ignorance in that area at least is definitely bliss as from my observations.

Originally Posted by NeedPeopleWhoUnderstand

Yes, I guess so. This thread is helping me understand and delve into where I am coming from. I guess in a different way other than the actual pain bundle, it is a part of my identity, actually in a huge way it is. Those are deep words TheNationalist. Never thought about shedding it. Like thinking outside of the box. Never thought was something to shed, quite the contrary. As far as my identity goes, that would be far much more complex to rid myself of. Much of my character and belief system is based on my heavily painful experience of life. That would be reprogramming and knocked out from all areas of who I am. I could be a female! I was never allowed to be a female as a child, looked down on and dirty. Even as an adult, my adulthood and womanhood are a joke to my loved ones

I don't think anybody should have to shed their entire identity. I sure don't want to. BUT, if I decide I want to start seeing SOME amount of joy or happiness, then I guess I will have to give up some of what makes me "me".

The last part of that paragraph is telling. It sounds to me like you know who you are and you know what you can be. It sounds to me like you're really close to "shedding" those pieces of your identity that have been manufactured by you and just going back to being your true self. That can be a painful experience and maybe that is PART of what is causing your present pain. The metamorphosis. It feels like you're really close though.

I don't usually talk like this. For some reason, the way you explain things is really clear to me and it's helping me see things better. All of this may only apply to me! Who knows?

I can't take it anymore, I have to go to sleep. Thank you soo much for all the advice, love, prayers and a safe place for me to delve and hopefully help others in the process

And I will definitely check out that book, TheNationalist ;)

Originally Posted by NeedPeopleWhoUnderstand

I can't take it anymore, I have to go to sleep. Thank you soo much for all the advice, love, prayers and a safe place for me to delve and hopefully help others in the process

And I will definitely check out that book, TheNationalist ;)

No, thank you. It was some great conversation and opened my eyes a bit

TheNationalist, you're my new best friend, lol