I walked about halfway then took uber. I'm in pain.
Too much to talk about. Lots of trigger pullers.
Saturday night I heard a song on the radio: it takes two to make a thing go right, it takes two to make it out of sight.
It caught my attention because it was a current day remake of an old song.
He was not there tonight. Neither was she. The song popped into my head while I was at work. They were out of sight.
Rolls eyes
Then it occurred to me that I will not be there tomorrow but the both of them probably will be. I expect they will see each other and whatever spirit at work in the world will make it happen.
Triggers
Too many to mention. Too tired to be going through this constantly. Merciless.
Mgr said he crossed me off the schedule tonight because he thought I wasn't supposed to be working on Mondays. He didn't make the schedule, he said. I explained that it was okay because I don't have the other job anymore. He gave me a shirt and a hat (I left my shirt at home) and after I came back upstairs from using the restroom, I walked into the break room where he and a couple others were talking. I didn't hear the context but the moment I walked in he said in a sort of guttural tone, "garbage".
It was provoking and disturbing. I don't know what they were talking about but it does not matter. What matters is what I hear and how it effects me.
It's like I'm living in a Truman Show world and it is EXTREMELY Hellish.
Garbage. I applied it: is Chris garbage? We all KNOW that I am, right? How rude.
Rude, and deranged.
Anyway, the chatter all night. I hate the chatter. They gossip and it's one Hell of an evil thing to do to gossip about somebody when they're within earshot. It's an act of cowardice which is one of the ways one inherits the lake of fire. I burn in Hell constantly because of others. Gossip about me and guess what? You're not burning yourself in Hell. You're burning ME in Hell.
The chatter is a problem for me. I sometimes try to ignore it. I sometimes inject myself into the chatter when it's particularly provoking.
Woman (who doesn't like me, surprised?): "She died. They cremated her."
Man (who doesn't like Jesus and proclaims he's going to Hell): "...taking it to a dark place..."
Me (grossly mercilessly tortured in Hell): "I can take it darker..."
See, this whole thing right here that I'm doing is so perverted and all wrong. I'm exploited. I'm forced to turn to the public because I'm lifeless, isolated and alone. My family was ripped apart over a decade ago and I've been loveless and lifeless ever since. Isolation is an extreme cruelty.
I don't want to keep going through this. I'm overtired of the situation I'm trapped in. I don't want to keep being forced to do the exact opposite of what I need and want (this public broadcasting of my non-life endless crisis). This is
hurting me probably
a bit more so than it is helping to support me.
He implored me to take it darker and so I began to until the one who doesn't like me shut me down. I wasn't overspeaking but I took it to the level in a straight shot.
I said "I live in a tomb" and that got a rise of near chastisement. "A TOMB?" I said "it's a metaphor, just a metaphor" but I had also spoke very quickly about the saints (how they're thrown into Hell and are tortured and murdered and martyred, some of them). At this juncture one of the men said "stop talking about me behind my back!" but I didn't get to respond (that's apparently what this space is for, groan). Maybe he is a saint, I wouldn't be surprised.
The chatter went back to the tomb so I said "it's also a glass coffin" to which the woman shut down the chatter with a loud, come on sort of "OOOKAAAAY".
Won't bother mentioning the other triggers but will bring it back into focus on this ridiculous new crisis.
The Chris Crisis.
That's extremely adverse, right? If you're looking for a partner and a relationship it shouldn't start off as A CRISIS.
This is absolutely ridiculous and cruel and I cannot stress enough how unacceptable and intolerable IT ALL IS.
Ever play a game of mercy? You know, pain is afflicted until you cry mercy.
Life is playing one Hell of a sick game with my football of a life. The game is MERCILESSLY NO MERCY.
It's real.
I can't do spirituality anymore. I can't do religion anymore. I can't SUFFER anymore.
I'm going to finish this update with the memorable songs I heard tonight and then will update again after the next time I go to work, see him and find out what happens.
Can you feel the rhythm burning...
https://youtu.be/2ifpuJK0mUA
I was born to love you...
https://youtu.be/47BBhf9azX4