Healing Past Abuse

[Shivani Devi]

Lol...I was just mentally reminded about something that happened a few months ago - all this stuff accumulates.

It was the middle of spring and about 15 deg C outside...not too hot or cold.

I was having hot flashes due to menopause and I was feeling stuffy, so I opened a window - in my own house.

As soon as I opened the window...the very second I did, mum was like "can you please close the window dear? I am feeling cold and it is giving me an earache".

So, I half closed it...as a 'compromise' and mum was like "I'm still feeling very cold and my ear still hurts...please close it fully".

I was like "so go and put a jumper on and take some paracetamol then"

She goes "I wouldn't have to do that if you'd only close the window".

I closed it, but for the next week the ONLY thought in my brain was...

"Who has the right of way and the most claim to entitlement to ensure whether a window is opened or stays closed? The owner of the house who is suffering with menopause? or their elderly, frail and sensitive mother who is close to death but only a guest in that house?"

That question still hasn't received a satisfactory answer some 4 months later.

It seems, that throughout my whole life, anything I have ever wanted to do, my parents and other people always had other ideas about that, so I was never allowed to even effing breathe the way I wanted to.

Is there any classifiable 'abuse' that deals with the total and FULL control of every single aspect of anothers life? Well, that's how it was and still IS for me.

I am angry...so angry.

[jimrich]

I worked on my childhood and bad parenting a lot so most of what you wrote is familiar to me.

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

The second is about my total lack of the ability to have any positive thought in my brain whatsoever.

Without diving into your whole story, I'd call that the consequences of unhealthy or shame-based conditioning - usually by one's parents.

At first, I thought it was just the old spectres of depression and anxiety looming and rearing their ugly heads again...however....

I have been like this all my life!

Yes, bad conditioning can seem like it was always there.

It is nothing new.....the inability to be positive, optimistic, express joy or happiness and to just view the world with negative disdain is nothing new.
They thought it was autism....they thought...
So, what if my parents are both paranoid schizophrenics?

IMO, that alone can explain your negative programing!

I just have to watch my father watching TV...

"That man has a beard....he must have something to hide by not showing his face....men with beards and moustaches cannot be trusted..."

"Oh look at that woman...she is wearing sunglasses....she must have something to hide...she's a liar and a cheat....you just know it because she is wearing sunglasses whilst talking to people..."

"That boy there....he's listening to music on his walkman...people who listen to music privately don't listen to anybody else publicly...they can't be trusted...avoid people like that..."

"Oh, look at that guy the police arrested on TV...an effing Muslim...they should all be shot...yeah, he also has a beard...that's right...all the criminals in our jails are Muslims with beards....have you ever seen a clean-shaven criminal?"

"Body hair is the work of Satan..."

All of that produces negative conditioning in a child.

Then there's my mother having coffee in public..."look over there....that woman has blue hair....does she realise how ridiculous she looks...?"

"Oh my god, look how fat that guy is...like a ball that rolls along....hasn't he ever heard about dieting?"

"Look my child, more 'tea-towel heads' Muslims are invading the whole country...beware...."

Same thing here - lots of negative conditioning coming from a significant caregiver/parent and programing you to think and feel like them.

Ever since I was a child, I was told what to wear, what to eat, what to watch on TV, who I could associate with and if I disobeyed, I was physically beaten to a pulp.

Thus, I preferred not to have friends, associate with no-one and lock myself in my room with books and pictures of Krishna...

One day they found one of my Hindu pictures and burnt it in front of my eyes with a "you are AUSTRALIAN, bloody act like one!"

This is what it's like in Cult families where everyone is controlled by fear and strict authorityl

They are not/were not religious whatsoever, but their whole antics would put the Westbro Baptist Church to shame.

Gays and lesbians deserve the death penalty, anybody born in one country should stay there for life, men should be forced to shave, sunglasses should be banned, walkmans/ipods should be confiscated by the police...etc...etc...

No wonder I am a mess.

Sick conditioning by sick parents will do that!

Both my parents were social losers bigtime! My father had some money, so he was able to 'buy associates' or give out interest-free loans in return for social favours, but everybody hated him and only placated him out of necessity - I could see this.

My mother lived in fear of my father, because after beating me to a pulp, he'd start on her...until anything I would ask my mother about always got met with the words "I have nothing to say".

Kind of like my parents. Dad was a violent Bully and mom a passive COWARD.

It took me almost my whole adult life to understand...come to the realisation they were undiagnosed schizophrenics...I mean they had to be, because there was no other explanation for it.

I discovered that my parents were Shame-based - popular term several years ago.

I was raised to mistrust people...to hate people....and their favourite sayings; 'familiarity breeds contempt' and 'we stick to our own"....but I could see that nobody was 'sticking' to them.

The only relief I got were the times (twice a year for two months each time) we went to Bali (my father part-owned and financed a failing hotel chain over there) and I was allowed to attend a Balinese school (because I was driving them up the wall in the hotel) and I befriended some Hindu shamans over there who taught me about Hinduism and Shiva...the rest is history.

Sometimes, just a few events outside of one's intimidating Cult Family can show a child what life is really like and may give that child some HOPE.

I came back and married a man who treated me like his personal slave....yeah, we look for it to fulfill patterns in our lives.

That's the horrible thing about conditioning. We look for situations similar to what we grew up with for various, safe and comfortable reasons. It's what we know how to deal with so we feel more "at home" with Abusers!

Thus I struggle daily with negativity and trying to find change...and wondering whether I am autistic or just the poster-child for emotional, physical and financial abuse since day 1.

Thank you.

Well, I struggled with my rotten childhood up to the day I finally decided to go for help at 48 and entered a few 12 step support groups. Whew, my rotten programing began to crumble right at the 1st meeting! I might have found healing faster in spirituality but I finally found it in therapy and support groups. I would recommend therapy to anyone who was raised in an abusive, harmful Shame-based, Cult family.
good luck

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

I recall a story from the time...the last time my father bashed me up...I was 17.

We were in Bali and I was late coming home from a puppet show I was allowed to attend.

This was because my aura was spotted by a shaman as I went into trance during it...then after the puppet show, he pulled me aside with 'ahh...Lady Di' (my name is Dianne but everybody called me "Diana" or "Lady Di"...yet I had never met him before and I wondered how he knew who I was).

He took a golden "Om" from around his neck with a "Shiva told me to give this to you - you are His...you belong to Him..." and he placed it around my neck and I made my prostrations to the Lord and then went to a local warung for some es kelapa muda (iced coconut milk)...I was half an hour late getting back to the hotel and my father was in a ropable mood...

"Where the f were you?" "who have you been screwing?" "what little Balinese turd got his end in?" and he wouldn't let me answer before he grabbed his favourite 'weapon of choice' being the jug cord and set to work on me...

At first I started to yell and scream through the pain....then, I could feel that golden OM...I could feel Shiva...next thing I knew, I am saying "are you finished yet?...oh, you haven't finished....keep going then....more....MORE!" and my father became angrier and angrier, belting me harder and harder...I was laughing.

Then, he went and got a knife to finish the job....luckily for me, the hotel manager came in at that point with a 'stop, don't kill her' and my father came to his senses (what ever senses he had) and dropped the knife, falling to his knees.

It wasn't long after that, the manager totally cut my father off, the whole hotel chain collapsed and went under - no money was worth having such a person on their books...

Shiva saved me.

Wow, this story reminds me of when our dad was going to beat my brother and me and I became petrified with fear. While dad was beating my brother with a board, I stood there in sheer terror and suddenly and "thing" entered the room from above me. I was a little afraid of it but it slowly descended down and into my body and became ME! Suddenly I was completely free of fear and actually saw that my brother being beaten as kind of FUNNY! When dad summoned me to "take my medicine" (a good beating!), I stepped right over to him and gazed directly up into his eyes with absolutely NO FEAR. When he bent me over our cot to beat me, IT DIDN'T HURT!... but I began weeping 'cos I knew he expected me to but my tears were about how sad I felt that he stupidly believed that hurting us was the right thing to do! WHAT AN IDIOT! We needed help not a good beating! But our sadistic dad needed to take his frustrations, shame and ANGER out on someone and we were the safest and easiest targets for him. Later, he said the beatings HURT him more than us but I knew even then that he was a pathetic LIAR.
I love your Shiva story!

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

The thing is, I must cut all ties now and I realised this today.

LOL, that's how I learned to deal with Abusers such as my family and my late wife's family. therapy taught me about self esteem and love and I am no longer a sitting duck for Toxic Shame-based Abusers.

I realised I was never allowed to have an identity or to be myself or express myself whatsoever because it was seen as being 'self-indulgent' and 'selfish' and 'inconsiderate'....funny how these 'family rules' did not apply to the rest of my family...only to me.

That's how it is in Shame-based, toxic, Cult families where CONTROL and Codependency is the standard.

I had made arrangements to take my mother out on Monday - unfortunately something came up and I had to cancel it and my mother's reaction? "if you don't do as you said you would to your word, don't bother talking to me ever again"...I mean, what is that? That is called 'emotional blackmail/abuse' in my books.

Therapy and self respect/esteem work taught me how to deal with such MANIPULATORS. Basically, I DUMPED THEM!

To my family, family is everything and an 'individual life' doesn't matter or even rate in context. There is no such thing as 'personal power' and there is no such thing as any notion of self, because self must be totally sacrificed for the good of the family.

That's a Shame-based, Cult family!

So now I have defined it - defined the reason why I was never allowed to 'be myself' or 'express myself' or allowed to have 'my own life', I can go into therapy to try and heal this past abuse. Before, I didn't know where to start, but now I have a really great start.

Therapy and support groups saved me!

People calling me 'selfish' because their own selfish needs were not being met by me being so...tsk...tsk...

Therapy can help you deal with the Abusers and Users so good luck

[Charliesap]

As hard as it may be..one can detach with love. Have you ever read the book, Toxic Parents? There comes a time in our lives, we realize selfishness is not quite the sin . we imagined it to be. You can stop all this You have the power. Figure out what it is you want and let the universe do the rest. It can happen. It happened to me so many times..

[Shivani Devi]

Thank you so much to both. I will be going into trauma counseling this year, combined with cognitive behavioural therapy. I have already started getting all the stuff together for it, identifying my strengths, goals, motivational factors, barriers, resistance to change, support people etc and writing it all down.

I had to post because one thing caught me eye; "familiarity breeds contempt". This was the most favourite saying of my parents as well.

Yes, they are both a victim of shame and 'what will the neighbours think?' type people...If only the neighbours knew...

However, I am on the road to recovery and taking it a day at a time.

I'm looking for some good CD's...meditation/visualisation that deal with healing from childhood abuse and trauma. Anybody out there have any good suggestions? Thanks again.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

Thank you so much to both. I will be going into trauma counseling this year, combined with cognitive behavioural therapy. I have already started getting all the stuff together for it, identifying my strengths, goals, motivational factors, barriers, resistance to change, support people etc and writing it all down.

I had to post because one thing caught me eye; "familiarity breeds contempt". This was the most favourite saying of my parents as well.

Yes, they are both a victim of shame and 'what will the neighbours think?' type people...If only the neighbours knew...

However, I am on the road to recovery and taking it a day at a time.

I'm looking for some good CD's...meditation/visualisation that deal with healing from childhood abuse and trauma. Anybody out there have any good suggestions? Thanks again.

No suggestions. You're getting the help, so that's the way to go. Not one to interfere in the good work, me.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

... but for the next week the ONLY thought in my brain was...

"Who has the right of way and the most claim to entitlement to ensure whether a window is opened or stays closed? ..."

kekekekekek ~! I burst out laughing upon reading this thought. Not because it's funny, but because it resonates with my experience so well!

When you said that, I could hear all the angst, injustice, agitation, domination, criticism, blah, blah, blah, and I have all that.

I am also walking out of a very messy background, by myself. Quite a lot of work! Everyday, I have something about my past to deal with. It's like vacuum cleaning a house that is full of dust, junk, dead rats, etc. If you find a good vacuum cleaner, please let me know!

Wanchain

[PlatitudePluto]

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

Also, I came to realise why it is I am totally insane and do things different to everybody else, is because both my parents are intense, annoying hoverers! I could NEVER do anything without them looking over my shoulder telling me how to do things according to THEM.

So, last week I was trying to make a salad to go with some fish I bought...

My father was chatting to my mum, so I decided to cut up a lettuce.

As soon as I started, my father rushed over to where I was with a "No! No!!! that's not how you cut a lettuce! You start at the bottom, at the heart and work outwards, not at the top, at the outer leaves and cut inwards towards the core"..

So I was like "okay then do YOU want to do it?"

He said "give it here, you are totally useless".

So, I let him cut the lettuce while I went and got some tomatoes to cut...as soon as I started cutting tomatoes, he rushed over from cutting the lettuce with a "No, NO...you are stupid! the knife isn't sharp enough and you'll end up squashing all the juice out of them...here, give it to me!"

So I was like "I thought you were cutting the lettuce?" and I went over to finish cutting the lettuce while he cut the tomatoes...and he stopped cutting the tomatoes and rushed to where I was cutting the lettuce to make sure I was 'doing it properly'.

I ended up taking everything, all the ingredients, knife, chopping board etc into my bedroom and locking the door.

Now, who makes salad in their bedroom? I DO because I am totally crazy.

I have had to do totally crazy things that others would never do just to survive my parents and stop me from killing them.

I have a lavatory in my laundry...now, I was doing a load of washing...my mother had all freaking morning to use the lavatory, but as SOON as she heard the washing machine 'beep' to finish the load, she had to use the lavatory...I was heading in there to hang the clothes out and she's like "can it wait?"...half an hour later...she does it on PURPOSE.

Like wanting to make a cup of coffee while I am in the middle of washing up...ON PURPOSE.

Like sitting in the middle of doorways in her wheelchair so nobody can get past her...ON PURPOSE.

Like turning the hot water tap on and off...on and off...on and off....on and off...on and off...while I am having a hot shower and making me freeze my nipples off....ON PURPOSE.

So, I now wash my clothes in the upstairs bathroom...now who washes their clothes by hand because they have a washing machine but can never guarantee unfettered access to it? only a crazy person does.

I have had to come up with many novel and unique ways of doing even the most SIMPLEST things, because they are a huge drama to my family.

So, if you see me sitting on my roof reading a book, it's because my parents have put all their personal stuff all over my lounge and dining chairs.

All of my LIFE it has been like this...having to go to extreme lengths to avoid being judged, criticised, babied, abused...and they do it through an all-encompassing and total presence...they seem to be always omnipresent, like god.

I hate them. I passionately despise and abhor them.

Any way to get over livid hatred? even though I am forced to accommodate them sometimes because they are 'almost dead'? Thanks.

You just summed up why I never want to live with another human being in my life.

[Shivani Devi]

I'm slowly getting over it though. First comes the healing and then comes assertiveness!. I cannot be assertive without being healed first and this much I know.

I guess living alone, I have my own way of doing things, my own time of doing things and I can do things without thinking how it will affect others because nobody is usually there....but when my family comes to stay for a while, the whole dynamic changes and it is something I just have to get used to.

I spoke to my counselor about the above and I was pretty much admonished, making me feel worse than I already did - "tell your father to BYO food if he doesn't like the way you prepare it, or just say 'sorry, I am making this for myself, what are you going to eat?" and "tell your mother BEFORE you have a shower that this is what you are going to do and would appreciate it if she waited until you finished to make a cup of coffee...the same as when you wash up...just say get lost"...etc etc.

Thank god I am on my own until Easter now...I have a while to prepare for it.