Healthy Relationships

Originally Posted by Nada

Chemistry/Connection - emotional, physical, and spiritual
Communication
Trust
Friendship
Support
Balanced needs, strengths, and weakness
Compatible dysfunctions

I posted the above reply from my left brain without considering the truth of the universe...

I once asked a lady who was married to her late husband for almost 40 years how her marriage was.
She described her marriage simple with one word ..... "Honeymoon, my marriage was a honeymoon."

When I asked her what is the secret to such happy marriage, she answered again with one word...."Soulmates, he was my soulmate. we had our ups and downs. But we were soulmates so nothing mattered"

Her husband passed away 10 years ago. Last several years, her daughter has been trying to match her with other gentlemen because she does not want her mother to be lonely. But the old lady has been declining any dates.
When I asked her why, she told me, "My husband is still with me. He had never left me and we still meet in dreams."

So, in truth, all the 'qualities for a perfect relationship partner' do not matter.
If you are meant to meet and to be with your soulmate, you will have a great relationship.

Therefore my revised answer is... "Fate"

[linen53]

Nada, that is soooo cool. But I still like "compatible dysfunctions" as well.

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by Gem

Hey,

I was just thinking that people who are in great relationships have a lot going for them... and I wondered what are the real ingredients for a healthy relationship.

Gem - It’s funny because so many people say co-dependence is unhealthy in a relationship, but for a relationship to work long-term, be it friendships or romantic, I feel some co-dependence is inherent. That’s not to say one should stop being him or herself and totally hand their life over to someone else, but taking risks with people with ones heart, soul, trust, back there has to be unrelenting commitment to another. Total acceptance of another is also imperative and that includes every aspect of the other.

I’ve had so many friends come and go I’ve given up because the people I attract have always found some fault with me. I think using people for entertainment, to further oneself in some way, or get something without giving back in return is the demise of most relationships.

Number one ingredient for a healthy relationship: Don’t keep score. I think it is unwise to keep score on what the other does for yourself and vice versa. If you love someone you simply want to do everything you possibly can for the other and they should want to do the same. No one keeps score. I feel there is a number two ingredient too and that is having the ability to forgive without abandoning the other person in your relationship. That goes along the lines with not keeping score.

Blackraven

[linen53]

I may be splitting hairs here blackraven, but Wikipedia says codependency is: Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking.

Under the sub-title Patterns and characteristics:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

So I would take it to be a dysfunctional relationship.

Whereas the the Free Dictionary says it is a "mutual dependency"

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/codependency

So it's 6 of one 1/2 dozen of the other.

I think I would say I am dependent on my husband.

On another note: I like that. Don't keep score. Never realized it before but we stopped doing that quite a few years ago.

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by linen53

I may be splitting hairs here blackraven, but Wikipedia says codependency is: Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking.

Under the sub-title Patterns and characteristics:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

So I would take it to be a dysfunctional relationship.

Whereas the the Free Dictionary says it is a "mutual dependency"

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/codependency

So it's 6 of one 1/2 dozen of the other.

I think I would say I am dependent on my husband.

On another note: I like that. Don't keep score. Never realized it before but we stopped doing that quite a few years ago.

linen53 - Yeah, I expected someone to point that a co-dependent relationship is negative. But I think co-dependency can be a mutual dependency or an unspoken agreement between two people that each is going to depend on the other to the same degree, be it negative to onlookers outside of the relationship. I think therapists throw the 'co-dependency' term around a lot to drive leverage between otherwise happy couples to secure a higher degree of individuality. Religious groups can attempt to drive couples apart using similar types of tactics. I don't know. I'm not trying to defend a psychiatric term or debunk it, just expressing my views.

Blackraven

[muileag]

Originally Posted by blackraven

linen53 - Yeah, I expected someone to point that a co-dependent relationship is negative. But I think co-dependency can be a mutual dependency or an unspoken agreement between two people that each is going to depend on the other to the same degree, be it negative to onlookers outside of the relationship. I think therapists throw the 'co-dependency' term around a lot to drive leverage between otherwise happy couples to secure a higher degree of individuality. Religious groups can attempt to drive couples apart using similar types of tactics. I don't know. I'm not trying to defend a psychiatric term or debunk it, just expressing my views.

Blackraven

"Co-dependency" carries a negative connotation in our society. From a counseling standpoint it means that a person becomes psychologically manipulated by another who has a pathological condition. The relationship is unhealthy, but the codependent can't see it.

I may be reading your post incorrectly, but it seems like you're describing a relationship where each partner is relying on the other to offer support when needed. Turning to another person whom you trust and can count on "to be there" is healthy and is most probably an important factor in relationship longevity (so that a partner doesn't feel the need to look outside of the relationship for understanding and support). Ideally, both partners aren't feeling "needy" at the same time

[Gem]

Yea... fate is the way things work; then there's the LOA side of the debate, which says fate is what you make it, and so it regresses to theories like this life was chosen before it began, soul contracts and the like, so that the mind can wrestle with it's creative ability and the consequences thereof.

When co-dependent, it can be summed up by saying 'it takes two to tango', and as therapists are in the solving personal problems game, their terms relate to problematic behaviour, so contexts such as the weaker and the stronger partners form the basis of theory on 'who wears the pants'.

Even though a stronger partner and a weaker partner is accepted theory, co-dependency is problematic, and the chaos that is relationships can't be reconciled within any contextual framework, but the runners and the chasers, the masculine and feminine, the dominant and weaker and the fated and the created are intrinsically co-dependent.

[blackraven]

I feel perhaps I’ve used the term co-dependent very loosely. And because it means “unhealthy relationship” by most psychological standards, it was my intent to say that a long-term serious relationship is bound to teeter on the brink of co-dependency, but resolve those dependency issues with an unspoken agreement that “I will always be there for you no matter what” and “You will be there for me no matter what”. I’ve seen people come through relationships where someone broke the cardinal rules, had drug or alcohol problems or were emotionally abusive. But working through those things is what makes relationships stronger and if when the going gets tough, people just break up and walk away, then there is no room for the relationship to grow to it’s deepest level! I don’t condone people staying in unhealthy relationships that damage the human spirit. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m just saying sometimes ‘you’ have to walk through the fire with another to really understand the other person and not judge them. Again, this brings me back to ‘not keeping score’. I apologize for using ‘co-dependence’ as it was probably not a term I should have thrown in my post at all. I’d like to replace it with mutual dependence once again as I feel no one can be in a serious relationship without some form of dependence on the other. “Co” means joint, mutual, common. That’s how I see the “co’ in co-dependence, jointly depending on each other through the good times and bad and coming out on the other side. I hope the thread can return to the flow it had.

Blackraven

[7luminaries]

Blackraven...I've heard the term you seek to describe many times as "interdependence" or "interbeing".

You are bang on in your description that a healthy relationship is one that accepts, honours, and supports the interbeing that is the reality between all existence. It is simply much deeper and closer amongst two partners, and is on a different level because of the degree of intimacy experienced on all levels. Celtic spirituality called this 3rd entity the circle of belonging, formed by both partners, and within which each had the love, security, and trust to be and come fully into their own as individuals and as partners. It is also called the unity of two. Not one and not two

And quite a nice thread, Gem.

Peace & blessings,
7L

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by John32241

Hey There,

Great Question!!

As I see these things it is mutual respect. It is a very hard concept to understand because every person 'thinks' they now and practice it properly.

Consider the circumstances where 'your truth' on a given matter does not align with the 'authentic truth' of your partner or a person you are in a relationship with. It could be a big issue or just an inclination or personal preference. Can you see the value of another authentic truth as dearly as your own?

John

A beautiful response, John.

Peace & blessings,
7L