Really Hurting. Please help.

Blessings!

[Aurora Borealis]

He doesn't usually drink
He was drunk
He never kissed her
He kept telling her to stop

..you know, it's not that long ago a woman here was found guilty of rape after having done exactly this to a drunk guy. I kid you not. Now I don't know how drunk your boyfriend was, but if he's telling the truth ("kept telling her to stop and finally got her to quit"), I honestly think he's been abused, to a degree.

I wish you both the very best. It sounds like you really love each other, so I think you'll pull through this, just give yourselves and each other lots of time - and love!

I just wanted to tell everyone thank you so much for your support, blessings, and love. My boyfriend and I are still together. It's been a difficult road, but things have been so much better. We are honest with each other and nothing like this has happened since. It's been difficult for me at times, but he has been very understanding and careful. Thank you so much everyone for all the light and love you've sent me, I know it's helped a lot as well. I love you all!

If he is genuinely sorry about it, (and if you are that close or connected to him you will know) I believe he deserves a chance to redeem himself. After all, don't we all wish we could be given a second chance for our own less than stellar actions. As humans, we can make pretty stupid mistakes. None of us are immune to it. We can never say, "never."

Time will tell, and your heart will know if he is truly remorseful. You have to trust your gut AND his future actions.

[SeaZen]

Originally Posted by Neth Rana

My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. I'm so deeply in love with him and we're so connected on such a deep level. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally...we're connected. Friday night he broke down and told me that he cheated on me last summer. He didn't have sex with her, they didn't even kiss. He was drunk at a party, and she gave him a blow job. He told me he kept telling her to stop, and finally was able to get her to quit. But he's kept it from me for the past year.

I feel so hurt and confused. I love him so much and I still want to be with him. But now I'm so scared and I'm afraid people with think I'm stupid for staying with him. I haven't forgiven him. I mean, it's been two days...I've been crying off and on like a stupid teenage girl. After he told me, we talked for like three hours. He called me yesterday and we talked for like five hours on the phone. He called me again today and we talked for about an hour.

He's telling me that he doesn't think he deserves me and doesn't deserve for me to take him back (and I agree). I know he doesn't deserve it, but I still want to do it. He wants to do whatever it takes to try to fix this. He says he'll go to counseling, or do whatever it takes. That it's been torturing him for the past year and the reason he didn't tell me was because he wanted to take all the guilt and pain on himself and protect me from the hurt. But it got to be too much and he's fallen even more in love with me and wants to be with me and it was just too much, so he broke down and told me. I just feel so hurt and confused and conflicted. Because I still love him. And I don't want to be cheesy, but I really feel like he's my soulmate. That he could be my twin flame. And this happened...I'm just so hurt. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with something like this? I never thought that this would happen. I'm so lost. Please help.

~Neth

From a completely different perspective, I really sense from the "energy" of this post that both you and your boyfriend have some strong attachments to "drama"! This is something you both may wish to explore and release....

As far as the sex thing you described...in the grand scheme of things when it comes to indiscretions, it's really not as bad as you make it out to be...

Originally Posted by Neth Rana

Friday night he broke down and told me that he cheated on me last summer. He didn't have sex with her, they didn't even kiss. He was drunk at a party, and she gave him a blow job.

To put things into perspective, ask yourself ...
What was going on when he admitted this? Were the two of you arguing?
Why did he want to share his guilt w/you? To cleanse himself? To manipulate the situation or just you? Does he have the physical ability to push a person away? Did he ejaculate? Why did he get drunk?

I've watched my kids go through heartbreak ...
I gave them questions to think about, then kept my hands off so they could learn to be a better judge of character ...
In choosing a partner, making friends, in deciding to trust a co-worker, etc ...
As their mother it was painful to think about it & to witness, but I had to do it for their own good ...
Good luck with whatever you choose to do ...

To the OP - I was in an almost identical situation to you with my partner a couple of years back, so you are not alone. My partner didn't keep it from me though because I caught her in the act. He was drunk and half asleep.

My partner said similar things to yours and felt very ashamed about what happened. For a week or two after the incident we both weren't sure what to think at all, it wasn't as though our trust in one another had been frayed exactly, but it was just hard to comprehend that it happened.

It took about 4 months all up for us to return to some form of normality. In the end the situation made both of us realize how much more we care for one another and how precious mutual trust and protecting one another is.

At the time I would have suggested that you take your time and don't worry about other people (unless you need to ease your mind by getting revenge or at least talking to the other woman that was involved with him.)

This is between you and him only and given time it will be clear whether you are both accepting and healing enough to make it all work.

afeel what your feeling, its a normal reaction and theres no need to guilt yourself for feeling anger, regret, sadness, betrayal, fear and all those other nasty things.

Keeping emotions and thoughts inside will mean you'd have to deal with them far later down the line and that can cause problems. Perhaps keeping a diary would help for the things that you don't want to or simply cant say to him or others.


Anyhow, im glad you've sorted it all out.

But If something comes up you'd like to private message me and talk (in chat even) or whatever then feel free to do so. I've been where you are/were in a lot of ways so perhaps my experience can sort of help show you how I worked through it further and such.

I don't know either of you, but it sounds like you love each other very much. Your guy clearly made a mistake, and the pain it caused you and him will serve as a life lesson. My wife and I have been married 41 years, and before we married we both had sexual partners. We never cheated on one another once we married but did live through our fears and insecurities through the dramas we created over the years. We both needed to learn to forgive and we both needed the other to forgive us for things we wished we'd never done. Life offers no guarantees. Give the situation time and see if your lover has learned this life lesson before committing for life. Like others have mentioned, it says something positive about your boyfriend that he voluntarily told you. It shows he has a conscience...a vital value for any long term relationship. Good luck.

[Silver]

I think what you said, Sybilline, makes the most (common) sense.

And yep, it could've been worse.

Originally Posted by Liet

first of all, you are upset over something that could have ben alot worse, and in most scenarios is.

secondly, it sounds like a lie... as if he's trying to get a weight of his shoulder by taking the blame for something lesser.
Because the guilt burden of what he confessed to is nothing, compared to willingly and knowlingly cheat with clear thoughts about the matter.

Most men dont have an all that great abiliy to stop things like that, given the circumstances(drunk)... if you wanna forgive him, get him to first stop drinking, if he now cant control himself.
Alcohol is probably the worst enemy of personal growth.

Ask the girl he cheated with what happened...i smell a rat