authenticity at the cost of other's feelings?

Originally Posted by NightSpirit

I have another thing to add though lol

Being authentic doesn't mean to leave out tact and thoughfulness. I think what you're referring to tilia is more about feelings and emotions and having to lie. You can be authentic and still speak a tactful white lie to save another persons feelings without feeling you've over-stepped your comfort zone. But in this case, you had a knee-jerk reaction to her question because you couldn't have cared less about her missing a week and didn't value the relationship enough to warrant tact. It's a bit like "ive been hurt in the passed so i'm doing the same back" type of thing if I read in between the lines right.

Ouch... sorry Nightspirit I dissagree.

A lack of tact would have led me to say "nope, was nice to have a week free of listening to you sucking your fingers and kicking your desk", instead, on the hoof, I said "I tend not to miss people".

I actively have to think about lying because it really does not come naturally to me. This means I find it really hard to come out with those little white lies society seems to rely on to keep egos in tact.

Yes I have been hurt but I can assure you I am not petty enough to be mean to someone I work with because I have abandonment issues.

I don't get on with her, no, but I am doing my absolute best to try and keep this working relationship friendly. Maybe what I wrote above doesn't sound like it..

I quote "I have tried hard to be her friend, I have guided her (when teaching her to do stuff we have to do together), encouraged her, complimented her, supported her, I've invited her to things I have done in my private life.

She has low confidence, I have tried making her look good by putting myself down. Nope, doesn't work. She was saying that I do so much and am always learning whereas she does very little. I said my push for learning is due to low self esteem, my need to do stuff due to not feeling like I belong anywhere. I said that if she is happy with her life then she is better off than me.... she didn't get it.

I pay her compliments and I think she is so cynical she sees them as veiled attacks.

I see her annoying little habits as a lesson to learn tollerance. I am sure I have them too.

There is no way of having different working hours.

I have tried really really hard to put my feelings aside to be a friend and I feel it just isn't working... so have resigned to find a level that is polite and tollerant.. but it is hard, hence this thread.

I have accepted that I am opinionated, but she doesn't like it. She was just talking to me about the strikes that are going on here at the moment and once again I had to choose between simpering or having a discussion that she wouldn't like because in some ways I didn't agree with her. I did my best, focussing on the things we did agree on.

It's just such hard work... I am really trying to learn where the "safe" line is"

If this is not good enough for you then maybe you can teach me how to understand people more!


I was caught off guard and did the best I could at the time... the point of this thread was to ask how people felt in general about this sort of thing, not a total analysis of the situation by people who don't know me, don't know my colleague and weren't there.

[NightSpirit]

[quote]

Originally Posted by tilia

Ouch... sorry Nightspirit I dissagree.

ahh ... Did that hurt?

Sorry but it was an exercise in trying to bring home to you how people can feel easily hurt from others comments. Sometimes it doesn't take a whole lot and depends on the fragility of the person at the time.

So now take a deep breathe and let all i said go....now take another deep breathe.

I'm well aware of the issues you've had around this co-worker as I've been following your threads and posting in them...with compassion...i might add. So I wish you no ill-will or hurt tilia. I like your energy and forth-rightness and wish to keep enjoying our interactions on sf.

to save the risk of this thread being closed I have pm'd you NS

[NightSpirit]

No your right..i dont know your colleague or work situation. I've had comments thrown at me to here for saying stuff about my work and felt the same way as you...that they can't know my situation and can only go off what i've chosen to post. I've let them pass each time without needing to go into details to show justification for my comments. Partly work etiquette and the rest that I realise only I can change the way I wish to react to things.

She may be a pain in the butt and you've run out of ideas to change it all. Maybe nothing will change the way she chooses to look at the world. Sometimes people just can't see it and don't want to. Its all about them. I have a few of those in my family and have exhausted my options without result, so I've allowed myself to let go of it and just ride with it. Now it doesn't irk me so much and has eased the grinding between us all the time.

I feel this has gone a little off topic... my question was

Do you find sometimes you have to lie about who you are so you don't hurt people's feelings? Is this acceptable?

The situation I spoke of was just an example, not the point of the topic, as I often find I don't put things across in a way that makes sense to others.

I am seeing this situation as an oportunity to learn more about who I am and who other people are so I can learn to be true to myself without upsetting others. There have been other times when this has been an issue. I guess I don't find being around others easy and want to learn how to be better at it.

Perhaps a more diplomatic option to your reply that wouldn’t compromise who you are would have been something such as, Nice to see you back. This probably fulfills what she wanted, gives a pleasant reply, but in a somewhat more distanced way than if one stated, I'm glad to see you back. It moves the energies away from being overly personal. While this somewhat dodges the question a little bit, it is what you stated you felt, lets her feel OK, & avoids hurting her feelings. This need not include that you enjoyed the week having the office to your self.

Simply replying, Welcome back, how was your trip (or whatever she was doing). Or Are you glad to be back? are various ways to diplomatically deflect this type of question.

Originally Posted by tilia

Hi Greenslade

You make some very good points, thank you. Something to sit with for a while and ponder.

Thanks Tilia. Has your brain melted yet?

It's all about the interaction. While we can be as authentic as they come, that authenticity still has to interact with the people around us. It's like saying "We have it, now what's the next step? What does it mean to have it?" If we are here for our lessons (not my personal belief but a consensus) then the lesson here is the meaning of authenticity and what we do with it.

I mean no disrespect here Tilia, I'm just making some suggestions here that you can ponder or throw away at your own discretion. It seems you're being sucked into this situation and you're reacting to it, it seems to be less about your authenticity and more about her annoyance and insecurities. And by putting yourself down you've already compromised your authenticity. By working so hard to make it better you're lending energy to the situation and perpetuating it - the energy goes where the thought goes. Even by discussing it on these boards there is more energy heading for that situation.

I think what's happening here is that she sees you as everything she's not. She's insecure, you have your authenticity and she doesn't like it. You are confident within yourself not to miss people, but she needs to know that people miss her.

Chill. Relax. Take it easy.

All you're doing there is stoking the fire and it's only going to get worse. Perhaps that might go against the grain, but the situation is an obstacle and there are many different ways around an obstacle. In this particular case, you can sit back and let the obstacle crumble, let the flames burn themselves out. Once they're out it's another tale. Perhaps once it all dies down that can change and some of your authenticity can rub off on her. I can understand you being compassionate enough to try and help her by rectifying the situation, but doesn't your authenticity tell you it's not happening? And compassion isn't always in the rectifying the situation but in realising that you're only making things worse by perpetuating it. It's all about your authenticity and how it fits into the rest of the Universe. In an ideal world we wouldn't need tact nor diplomacy because others would see it as us being who and what we are.

Stop paying her compliments if she sees them as a veiled attack. If she's in that frame of mind with you then she'll see anything you do as a form of aggression. If she takes anything you do the wrong way, simply don't give her cause to by not doing anything. This situation is as much about her perspective as it is yours, and realising that is part of your authenticity. What you see is trying to correct the situation, what she sees is attack. Once you become objective (and I don't mean not be yourself) it can look very different.

Be authentic. Take a very objective view of the situation and see it from a different perspective. Not always easy when you're in the thick of it though. Mohammed went the the mountain but the mountain didn't want to know. Will the mountain come to Mohammed or is this a lesson in dealing with a lost cause?

hmmmmmm.. some stuff to ponder there I think. my brain hadn't melted but this has given it a lot to chew over!!

I will have to come back to this and re-read, but yes, it feels like there are some gems there.

It is also very pertinent that you have been able to post stuff that may be taken very badly, but because of the way you have written it it has been taken as it is meant and not as an insult. Go you!!!

Thanks for taking the time.

I will say, on first thoughts though, you are right that this is a situation that needs working on, but it REALLY was more of an example of a theme I often find running through life rather that a desire to solve this particular problem.

I am one of those that does believe we are here to learn so I often try to see threads in different experiences as signs of lessons to learn, in this case this situation once again highlighted the need to find a balance between personal authenticity and the need to not offend other people. The example I gave was just a recent occurrence that showed it in sharp relief.

I am working on a whole heap of stuff with my colleague and I am aware that she has come to teach me stuff I need to learn about myself and about people. Because I am so good at getting rid of people that I find damaging out of my life it appears the only way I can be forced to face people I don't resonate with (and can teach me the most) is by making me work with them... joy!!!

I will read what you have written again and digest,... there is too much going on here at the moment (music, talking etc) to really take it in properly....

Thanks again.

Interesting topic. I've always wondered where is the line.

There is only one thing for certain, whoever says: 'Did you miss me'? 'Do you like me'? 'Do I look pretty on this?' has, as someone mentioned, self-esteem issues.
But this all (3 pages so far ) is about the thin line between being authentic and lying in order not to hurt someone with self-esteem issues.

A lack of tact would have led me to say "nope, was nice to have a week free of listening to you sucking your fingers and kicking your desk", instead, on the hoof, I said "I tend not to miss people".

From this, it seems you dislike this woman because she's annoying (perhaps everybody at work dislikes her). Isn't it funny that the most annoying people are exactly the ones who ask you these questions?

Maybe what they (annoying, selfish people) really need is not to hear what they want, but someone who is honest (not brutally honest). After all, getting hurt is the first step to become a better person.

Originally Posted by NightSpirit

No your right..i dont know your colleague or work situation. I've had comments thrown at me to here for saying stuff about my work and felt the same way as you...that they can't know my situation and can only go off what i've chosen to post.

It is so true. we all have replied thinking your coworker was a nice woman, hence the majority of replies saying that a little white lie wouldn't do you any harm but comfort her a lot. None of us know all the details (and it is impossible for the OP to write the details of a 10-year relationship in a single post, not to mention we wouldn't have the time to read it all ) and as a result, I personally feel like many topics are like trying to hit a nail on the head... using my foot and toes instead of my hand LOL.

[athribiristan]

Originally Posted by tilia

I have been pondering something someone said and wondered how others felt.

Part of my path seems to be about learning to be me in every way possible. To accept my authentic self and learn that it is ok. That I am "allowed" to be me.

Of course there are times and places where certain aspects of my self should be faded down or brought to the fore. For instance, at the big meeting I was at yesterday it was prudent to put the biker metal head in the background and bring forward the proffesional perfectionist.

However, there are times when the lines are less clear cut and it is less of a case of "turning down" aspects and more a case of completely ignoring them, or even lying about them for the sake of someone else.

Recently a colleague had a week away from work. I really enjoyed having the office to myself, but when she was back, glad for the company.

When she came back she asked me if I missed her.

There are only 2 people in my life I miss if I don't see them for a while; my husband and my soul sister. I don't cling onto other people, I don't generally miss them if I don't see them. (I think this is because these are the only 2 people I consider haven't "left me" at any time but that is another story).

So, when she asked me this I said "I don't tend to miss people"... the look on her face was that of real hurt. Now, I know how she responds to that is her business. She shouldn't have asked the question if she was looking for a specific answer. But it does highlight a situation that goes against my belief of being true to myself.

I don't like hurting people's feelings, but I also find it VERY hard to lie about how I feel. I won't neccessarily mention something if it is not appropriate or hurtful, but if I am asked a direct question I can only give an honest answer.

Do you find sometimes you have to lie about who you are so you don't hurt people's feelings? Is this acceptable?

I say be who you are and let people react as they will. There must be a reason she asked if you missed her. Maybe she needed to hear 'no'. I find that even when people react 'negatively' to what have to say, it usually winds up working out for the best. They may not end up being happy with me, but they hear what they need to hear.