Am I being selfish?

[Belle]

Spot on not to say anything - in my opinion. People have to find their own way. It's part of a grieving process to try and make everything ok and there is a grief involved when someone deteriorates in dementia. People work things out different and cope differently and you are right to respect the way your brother works and he needs to understand your way of working.

My mother cared for my father to breaking point and then she cracked. But she wouldn't have done it any different and it was her way of dealing with the trauma. In some ways we got the grief out of the way when my father was alive as we said goodbye to him slowly and gently over several years. It was still awful when he died but he was already gone. Also, him going into a home meant that my mother went through stages of letting go of him. Rather than having to deal with him not being there at all all at once.

I think you are being very thoughtful and considerate and taking a long view of things. But, as I say, everyone copes differently and we do what we think is best and right at the time.

[astralsuzy]

Thanks Belle

[astralsuzy]

My father is now staying with my other brother and his wife. I just spoke to my brother on the phone. My brother said my father needs help to have a shower. My brother had to turn the taps on and then turn the taps off after he had a shower and get his clothes ready for him. When my father goes home, he will need a nurse or a community worker to help him have a shower. My father's condition will only get worse. Soon he will not be able to dress himself.

[Tobi]

This is so difficult. My heart goes out to you and your family astralsuzy, because I and my brother have been there and done that. It is quite sad and heartbreaking.
We continued with the arrangement of me 'commuting' every few weeks while my brother (who lived with my mum) got a 2 week break away. That went on for about 2 years. We managed things that way but it was a terrific strain particularly on my brother.
We both wanted to keep my mother out of a "home" for as long as possible.

But the time did come when she needed 24 hour nursing care as well as 24 hour general observation and care. Only a team could deal with that. It was impossible for an individual....even 2 individuals working on weeks on/weeks off.

It was more than hard to accept that. And to do something about it. But it became the only workable solution. We did get her to a hospice, and from there to a care home. But that was only for a short time, as she had by that point come to the end of her life.

It may be something that your family will have to face -that your Dad might need to go to a care home. If there are family finances that will cope, then a private nursing home might be best....

[astralsuzy]

Thanks Tobi, life can be hard. You have been through it and so many other people go through it as well. I spoke to my brother this afternoon. He has retired. He is going to look after my father everyday at his home. I do not know how he and his wife will cope. Time will tell. They will get home help. I will take my father out on Saturdays and take him to see my mother. Then I will take him home. I said to my husband I am not giving up my Sundays as well.

[astralsuzy]

I got an email from my brother's wife. The one that my brother wants to have my father live with them. My sister in law said it would be hard for everyone to cope. She thinks both my parents should go into care. I agreed with her. My mother is not able to look after herself. She cannot even get herself breakfast.

Originally Posted by astralsuzy

I got an email from my brother's wife. The one that my brother wants to have my father live with them. My sister in law said it would be hard for everyone to cope. She thinks both my parents should go into care. I agreed with her. My mother is not able to look after herself. She cannot even get herself breakfast.

This is a difficult time for all. One I would struggle to make (I'm pretty sure most would struggle to make). I've attached a link - I think the comments below can be helpful..... http://www.aplaceformom.com/blog/5-6...aging-parents/

It also has some links that may be of some use.

[astralsuzy]

Thanks Octy, that was nice of you. The links was helpful.

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by astralsuzy

I am looking for advice. My mother looks after my father who has Alzheimers. My mother is not coping. She gets stressed and as a result she gets health problems. When she goes away on a cruise for a couple of weeks her health is very good. When she gets home her health deteriorates. My parents stay home and refuse to go out anywhere except to go out shopping. They watch TV and they fall asleep. Later on about 5.00 pm they have biscuits with cheese and an alcoholic drink and they fall asleep. They go to bed at 8.30 pm. My father calls out in the middle of the night keeping my mother awake. I have talked to my parents that they must change their lifestyle as they are getting too much sleep and that is why dad is getting out of bed early. They will not change their routine. My mother has finally accepted getting respite for my father. He has not had respite yet. My brother thinks he has come up with a great idea. He wants my father to stay at his place for a few days, my other brother's place for a few days and my place for a few days. I do not mean to sound selfish but I do not want to do it. I work Monday to Friday. My husband also works. My brother said I can have my father on Friday nights and take him home on Sunday. It will happen about once every three weeks. I visit my parents every Saturday afternoon. My brother wanted me to just take dad out when I see them on Saturdays to give my mother a break. I said no, I will take both mum and dad out not just dad. My mother feels happy when she sees me and she says that she feels better when she is with me. My brother currently takes my father out every Thursday and my other brother takes my father out on Mondays for the day. It has not helped my mother's health. She said it has not helped. She did things to enjoy herself but she still is not well. She has seen the doctor a lot and has been on medication. My mother said the medication made her worse or it did not do any good so she stopped taking it. She has been checked out at the hospital and there is nothing wrong with her. What do you think? Am I being selfish?

astralsuzy - You're married and in my book your husband should take priority over parents. You visit your parents every Saturday. I think that shows that you care about their well-being right there. Guilt can chew a person up - seriously. After my mother-in-law died 15 years ago I have cooked every week and taken food to my father-in-law for 15 years. Never missed a week. But the last year I have been bringing almost all the food home that I take to him and throw it in the garbage. He simply stopped eating the food I was bringing because of health-related problems. His son told me to stop bringing food. Now I am overwhelmed with guilt that no one in the family is taking food to him and he is hungry because I've stopped. But my own parents are aging and I have to shift my attention to them now.

What you described with your parents sound a lot like my own. My Dad suffers from depression and my mom is a jet-setter. She complains to me about him. He gave medication a quick try, but said it didn't make him "happy". I can only do so much and just be a good listener. I see my parents several times throughout the year, but not every week.

It's a tough situation when parents age and have problems and the roles get shifted. Do what's best for your household first. Again, the weekly visits sound very thoughtful and meaningful.

[astralsuzy]

Thank you blackraven. I can see you have had a tough time. It would not be easy cooking all those meals and throwing it in the bin. That would be frustrating. I think you are doing the right thing by focusing on your parents. Life is hard. Sometimes it is hard to know what is the best thing to do.
My father now lives with my mother. The doctor said to my sister in law you are doing more harm than good as you are separating them. My mother wanted him back with her. It is hard trying to do the best for your parents. It would be easier if they accepted your advice. My mother refuses to walk. She is capable of walking but does not like walking. I encourage her to walk but she refuses. I said to her if you do not walk your legs will get weaker and weaker. You will be prone to falls. She still refuses. I have to accept my parents how they are. It is no use trying to help them as they will not help themselves. I give them advice that she can get out and join in a group. It is a group that she said she would like to join. She makes excuses as to why she cannot do it. She sits down a lot watching TV. My sister in law gets frustrated with her. We all do. I can see my parents going into care in the future. They will start to have falls. The retirement home will force them to leave. They can do that if they are not able to look after themselves. It is in the contract. My brother puts himself into denial and says they will not go into care. Time will tell what will happen. I will visit my parents on Saturday. I will just try to accept them and to make them happy. There is nothing else I can do. There is one more thing to say, my mother did not improve with her stress when my father was not there.