Death of someone who hurt me

Thank you Deb. It took many years for me too. Thank you for your kind post.

[IsleWalker]

pgrundy (now I've forgotten the name that goes with this),

I am impressed with your post because you recognize that you're not feeling what people might expect you would feel--toward those young men and toward a public persona of them that is incorrect, at least from your point of view.

I think the sadness is something that you might want to examine a bit when you feel inclined to, because it seems it might hold some keys---to your understanding. Is the sadness "for" them, as far as you can tell? Or is it just sadness that these events and their lives had to take the path it did? Or maybe there is something else in it?

I guess you know already that, whatever the public perception, only they and you know the truth and will have deal with it--indefinitely from now on. It seems it will be a "conversation" between them and you--if they chose to deal with it soon, in your lifetime.

I can empathize: You're not sure how you "should" and do feel in this circumstance. It's messed up.

Perhaps the fact that they weren't punished was a greater punishment to them than if they had, but also a great opportunity missed by all of them.

This might take a long while to seep through your system. Sending you energy to use as you wish.

Lora

Thank you Lora.

Yes sadness has been one of the hardest things to feel because it looks weak from the outside, and I have had to be strong. But at this age, after all these years, I have the luxury of it.

I had many years of therapy, and it helped, but what eventually got me to the point of terminating therapy was this insistence that I feel the 'correct' thing--which from a therapist's view is anger. I went through years of anger, intense anger, but I'm all out, and what it seems to me now is that it is sad that this thing happened at all and that even people I loved chose to cling to the illusion instead of just facing reality and whatever they were or weren't feeling.

I think in cases like this people go through something like the stages of grief, and after that comes acceptance. Not acceptance as in it was ok that it happened, but acceptance in the sense that, yes this happened, yes it hurt, life can be very hard, now what have I learned from it, if anything?

What I take from this is that kindness is in short supply in the world, and part of the reason is that people are so afraid to be or even seem vulnerable. But we all all vulnerable. Whether we choose to acknowledge that is another thing. You will even hear people say, "Don't be a victim." I guess that means something like "don't stew in self-pity" but it can be applied in a cruel, twisted way, as if it's better to be jerk or a sociopath than a victim. So messed up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is something like it takes a lot of courage to be soft, open.

So I am just letting this all settle, letting it play out. I've been writing a lot more, which I think is good and will help.

Thank you so much for your sensitive thoughts on this.

[IsleWalker]

pgrundy--

Yes, it does take courage to be "soft", open. At least you recognize this.

Lora

[linen53]

Originally Posted by pgrundy

I think in cases like this people go through something like the stages of grief, and after that comes acceptance. Not acceptance as in it was ok that it happened, but acceptance in the sense that, yes this happened, yes it hurt, life can be very hard, now what have I learned from it, if anything?

.............

[kris]

A soldier's suicide