Hey,
you´re not hijacking...feel free to share what comes up..
I am really sorry that you are having such a hard time with it all...
You write: ´Be yourself and be strong..´
Indeed try and be yourself, but first find out who ´yourself´ really is. But about ´be strong´...that one is different for me.
In meeting him i suddenly realized how much effort i was putting into trying to be this strong, nice and tough woman. Thinking that it was such a woman he would like. Somehow and somewhere (and very, very soon after getting to know each other) this mask just fell of. There i sat, with this beautiful man that i hardly knew, but totally unable to hold it all up...that fake appearance. It was really weird. The only thing i still could do was cry. And the way he was and ´acted´ towards me...it reminded me of who i really am, but that i burried deep inside. I somewhere in history got ashamed of who i was and here in front was this man, acting like i had done and how i really was, but that i had gotten ashamed of. This was a painful eyeopener.
So for me, after this eyeopener, wasn´t at all about being strong. I had to admit that i had been pretty strong for a long part of my life, being able to hold up that mask for so long. But holding up this facade had gotten to me even to the point that i developed all kinds of pains in my body, that no doctor could ever find a cause for. I think i got all cramped by holding myself back totally.
I am learning to let go...to relax...not so much the body, but even more the mind. Learning to allow to be the one i really am. In this relationship i became the chaser...and while i am writing this now, i suddenly realise that in chasing him i in fact have been chasing myself. And that all those years before i had been running from myself.
That´s a thing which i can find really hard. I once had a beautiful awakening, but during this beautiful time ego kicked in...harder and harder...developing u huge fear of the unknown and unseen. Because of that awakening i can feel i am now really close again, but there still a threshold.
For me no therapy. Earlier in life i sometimes spoke to a coach or psychologist only a couple of times but it never helped. This is for the first time in my life that i really start to see me...what fears there are, what pains and such.
For the ghosting from his part and the silence i encounter here and there...i believe ego is just frightened to the bone for that silence...
I really hope i can go on like this...with more patience needed...I am in fact pretty content with all where i am ´going´ at the moment, though ego will have its wars from time to time...:icon frown:
I think you should try and give yourself some credit...no, not some, but a lot. Still, do try to use her (re)acting to you as your mirror. How does she act? Does she ignore you? Then you are ignoring your self somewhere..
Is she reacting angry at you?...Then in fact you are angry with yourself somewhere...
Really try and see her as your mirror and try to think of her as only being a mirror, nothing else. Why did you start loving her? What do you love about her? Because what you love about her, must be in yourself as well, when she is your mirror.
Try not to be strong...Where you did your undercover ´act´...in fact there you are hiding your true self. You, finding out that you didn´t understand the telepathy correct...is it really telepathy? Or is it the ego-mind trying to draw a rosy picture, only trying to stay the leader in your life?
Is she playing tricks on you? Or is it your mind doing that?
Try to let that all go. It might take some time. With every thought that goes through your mind, think: this is not the real me. Of course you need ego, but ego doesn´t need such a big part in your ´play´.
You are not ego. Ego is looking for drama. Ego is about emotions. Is there really evil demoralizing you? Who did tell you so? The true you only is....there are no emotions. But of course you cannot live without ego. But ego should be in the backseat...and true self behind the steering wheel.
Don´t believe everything you think...don´t believe everything you read (lol).
If she shares a soul with you: then she´s is your mirror. What/who from out of you is reacting to her...it is from ego...And how she is or isn´t reacting towards you...that is her ego. If you 2 share one soul...then deep inside you 2 are just one. There´s nothing else. Only in the ´outside´ world there´s ego, duality...duality can create war (so to speak)...
Amen...