Trying to figure this all out

Well it's been a little over 4 months since my last update. Wish I had better news to report, but unfortunately I let myself continue on the downward spiral.

I heard from her for the first time in over a year this March. I sent her an e-mail and apologized to her for putting her into an uncomfortable position when I told her I loved her (I didn't apologize for loving her though), and that I hoped she was doing good. I got her response when I was at a bar and was pretty drunk, drunk messaging never works out, so that was the last time I've heard from her.

She got married last month. My drinking has increased over the months since I last posted, no doubt exasperated from her marriage. At one point I was drinking everyday for a month straight. I also stopped going to the gym, which is stupid because I love working out and was going 5 days a week for years (alcohol and working out doesn't mix).

Tried dating again, that didn't work out. I don't know why my feelings for her have effected me so much. Despite previous advice I tried to block the feelings out and ignore them. The dreams of her and I stopped for a while, but I had one this morning, which is partially why I'm posting this. I tried to drown the emotions out with alcohol, all that got me was a constant hangover and a credit card bill, she isn't any closer because I started drinking heavily. So to sum it up, I pretty much have all the confirmation I need that trying to go against these feelings only makes it worse.

I also realize that fighting it is now pointless, I am always going to have a very deep love for her and no amount of struggle against that realization will change it. For the first time, even in a hangover haze, I can clearly see what I have to do and the fuel that I need to use to fire it. I know all of this has happened for a reason, I know there is a purpose behind all of it, and I know there is a purpose for the love that I have for her.

Yesterday was the end of my drinking spree and I have decided to never get drunk again, but will have the occasional beer in social situations. I'm getting back into the gym, I'm going to finish my degree, I'm going to get a job, and I'm going to do what I have always wanted to do ever since I was little, act and play in a band.

For 5 years I have worked against this love like a fish attempting to swim upstream against a raging current. Now I want to see what it's like to work with it instead of against it.

[Teal]

Odd seeing March come up again. I wonder what was going on with planets and solar stuff.

There is a purpose behind it. I think you are on to something fixing yourself by hitting the gym and cleaning up the drinking and stuff. Drunk messaging is never a good thing lol. If i was you i would continue to clean up and then if you are still strong feeling toward her. write her a hand written letter expressing your thoughts and feelings. Capture her attention.

[Jatd]

Ughhh. this just hurts to read, only because I know the pain you are in. I've been there, still go there.. and still trying to work through it.

I, read alot, cry alot (I allow myself to) I also love alot. I try and spread this love I have to others who have none. May I suggest volunteering somewhere, a food bank, a homeless shelter, etc... There are so many ways that can heal your soul that you may not even realize. BUT THE WORLD NEEDS LOVE, and if you have it in you, spread it my dear.
Again, its so hard for us to let go of the romantic side of it.. trust me I know. I KNOW I am not ready to move on with anyone, so I don't. HECK YES I get lonely.. HECK YESS sometimes I get angry at myself.. but I trust that something is happening beyond my understanding.. and so I surrender to it. The more I fight it, the harder it makes it.
Hang in there buddy! We're here for ya!!!

Originally Posted by tealtwist

Odd seeing March come up again. I wonder what was going on with planets and solar stuff.

There is a purpose behind it. I think you are on to something fixing yourself by hitting the gym and cleaning up the drinking and stuff. Drunk messaging is never a good thing lol. If i was you i would continue to clean up and then if you are still strong feeling toward her. write her a hand written letter expressing your thoughts and feelings. Capture her attention.

Thanks. I went to the gym tonight for the first time in over a month. I can tell my CNS is in some shock right now, probably because I was drinking so much. Hands are shaking and my head is really hot. I feel good though, I have renewed focus and motivation.

Originally Posted by Jatd

Ughhh. this just hurts to read, only because I know the pain you are in. I've been there, still go there.. and still trying to work through it.

I, read alot, cry alot (I allow myself to) I also love alot. I try and spread this love I have to others who have none. May I suggest volunteering somewhere, a food bank, a homeless shelter, etc... There are so many ways that can heal your soul that you may not even realize. BUT THE WORLD NEEDS LOVE, and if you have it in you, spread it my dear.
Again, its so hard for us to let go of the romantic side of it.. trust me I know. I KNOW I am not ready to move on with anyone, so I don't. HECK YES I get lonely.. HECK YESS sometimes I get angry at myself.. but I trust that something is happening beyond my understanding.. and so I surrender to it. The more I fight it, the harder it makes it.
Hang in there buddy! We're here for ya!!!

Yeah, it hurts to write it too haha. I lost count of the times where I cried my eyes out with a bottle of whiskey as my only company. It's weird admitting that being a guy, but there was so many emotions that I was going through and I needed the release.

I'm moving to a new state this week, don't know anyone there and really don't know what to expect, but I'm staying positive. I feel like this will be a major turning point in my life and a chance to start a clean slate. I plan to get involved in some volunteering work when I get there. I want to become the best person I can be not only for her, but for myself as well.