How do you be spiritual & loving while dealing with unloving people?

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by StaroftheSea

Astraea I feel that this man does love you and wishes to be with you after his self esteem has been built up (within himself); if he is making comments about his physical esteem ie trying to lose weight and work on himself internally and externally, then he is conscious to show his body in front of you and is waiting until he feels right (about his shell).

I thought of that too, he might feel physically rejected by me (after all, it WAS me who stopped the sex from happening). I really hope this is what is really going on in his head!

Secondly, has this fellow worked in your workplace as long as you? If not, he may be a little concerned that if things do not go right between you emotionally or physically that you are all stuck together in the work environment.

He started a few weeks before I did so we've both pretty much been here about the same amount of time. But we actually did talk about this once, when we first started hanging out, there was this other couple who had sex the first day she started, and they quickly ended up fighting and she filed sexual harassment complaints about him and he got fired. Me and "my" guy were talking about this and he said "but we're not like that" and "that won't happen to us". Which is why I thought 'ok he is saying we're NOT like the couple who just has sex, so that must mean we are more serious than that' but, ehh..no, I dont know what he meant by it now.

Thirdly, he may believe in God and have a close relationship with God in which he may prefer to wait until the time is right between the two of you and view marriage and commitment with you and decrease the amount of times you sleep together first. I know my ex husband was conscious of this as he knew I believed in God and a Catholic as he was. I am only in my 40's btw not in my 70's or 80's living in older times. Yet, many Catholics and Christians do try and abstain as greatly as possible before marrying. Keep this in mind to gently suss out his Childhood or his beliefs in God.

He is not religious at all, so this isn't an issue. The only reason he isn't having sex with me is because I stopped him the few times he tried. I know he has had sex before, he's a typical guy, just has sex with women and nothing more.

Lastly, most people prefer not to do the act in a working environment and wait until they have returned home in their own secure private dwelling and environment (many don't) if not given much choice or they wish to create memories living in other places working.

That isn't the case with him, he WANTED to do it here (we live in trailers on site, we each have our own bedroom.) He doesn't hold back at all here, we've been talked to about flirting and hugging in front of the security cameras but he still does it, he doesn't care! lol

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by Wandering_Star

This is not a unique situation. This is the old story of "Woman gets involved with emotionally stunted man, despite clear indications that he is not capable of being a good partner. Woman then ends up disappointed and angry when man fails to change."

lol Well I realize THAT part isn't unique, I meant about the environment we are in. I don't know anyone who is around other people as much as I am around my coworkers. It isn't like I can just stop calling him and never see him again, like in normal dating situations.

There's really no point in getting angry with him, and to be at all surprised and hurt that it has gone this way doesn't make much sense. You were warned of this at the start.

Are you a male? If so, here is how women think; if a man says he doesn't want to settle down or doesn't want to fall in love, but then ACTS like he is her boyfriend, she will listen to his actions, not his words. I admit I am naive when it comes to relationships since i've only been in one, but that one started just like this one did and my ex boyfriend never officially asked me out either or called me his girlfriend for a LONG time, but I just knew it was a relationship. So when this one started, I thought, ok, this is how it starts. So I truly thought we were a couple for like 3 months! I truly thought he changed his mind about wanting a girlfriend because he was treating me like one. He would ask me to hang out EVERY day after work even though the night before we only got less than 5 hours of sleep because he just HAD to spend time with me. He told me "The more I spend time with you, the more I want to spend time with you". He didn't even try to kiss me until we were hanging out for a few months, something I LOVED because that made me feel like he wasn't just trying to get into my pants. And even after we started kissing, it was another month or two before he started trying to go further. When coworkers would make comments about us being a couple, he didn't deny it, in fact a few times he said "yeah" and would smile. Everyone at work thinks we are boyfriend/girlfriend and he doesn't do anything to make them think otherwise. So naturally, I thought we were too.

It is his job to overcome his fear, and his resistance to love, and his job alone. He is the only one who can fix his problems, and he has to decide to do so entirely on his own--not because he's being pressured to by a woman who thinks he needs fixing. And he might never do that. Or maybe he'll do it years from now, when you're just a memory. But you cannot count on him to do it because you want him to.

Oh I know, I know. And i'm not pressuring him at all, I've never asked him the dreaded "what are we" question, I've never even told him I wanted a relationship with him. I am really just going with the flow and following his lead here.

I think your focus needs to shift from him, and why he acts the way he does, to you--and why you put yourself in this situation. You've got your own neediness going on here. Your need to save this guy from himself; your willingness to settle for an unsatisfactory, non-reciprocal relationship while nurturing the fantasy that your love will fix him; your willingness to screw up a perfectly good job by getting involved with a co-worker; your fear of being seen as "the bad guy," even when it's the right thing to do. Why is that?

I don't see it as neediness, I am seeing it as...I truly thought we were a couple and I was very depressed and confused when I slowly realized we weren't, and I don't know how to talk about this with him since he said he doesn't talk about his feelings, so i've been left on my own. So while you may see it totally from an outsiders point of view, I see it from the perspective that we WERE a couple, so I don't see it as me being needy or settling for unsatisfaction.

I mean, this guy's messed up, but that you've chosen to enter this relationship and stay in it shows all the ways in which you're messed up, too. Every relationship is a mirror, reflecting back to us our own issues.

I never understood that...reflecting back our own issues. That would mean that my issue is that I don't want a relationship, but I do, so that makes no sense.

And endlessly analyzing him, and trying to figure out how to solve the problem that is him only keeps you from looking at your real problem, reflected in this relationship--which is you.

I only analyze things that I can't know the answer to, so I have to try to figure them out for myself. I don't see how i'm the problem when I truly thought we were a couple so I am understandably let down, it's almost like he broke up with me but didn't tell me and just let me figure it out on my own.

One is to end it as amicably as possible. Tell him, "I want someone who can be fully present, who is ready to love me, and make a full commitment. Talking and cuddlng and the closeness we do share is nice. I really like your company a lot. But I want a complete relationship. I deserve to be loved, and if you can't or won't do that, then I can't be your girlfriend and all the kissy-huggy stuff has to end now."

Yeah I know this is probably the right thing to do...trust me, if we didn't work together, I would have been more vocal about things because I wouldn't have to worry about things being awkward and uncomfortable at work. And I would have an easier time cutting things off if I knew I never had to see him again. But working together 84 hours a week just makes it too hard to break free. I would need a clean break, not to be around him the same amount of time I am now.

The other possibility? Accept that the relationship is exactly what it is, no more and no less. Stop having any expectations that it will ever be any different. Stop nurturing that Hollywood fantasy of yourself as the woman who fixes a broken dude by loving him. Just accept that he's broken, know that the relationship isn't going anywhere, and enjoy the stuff about it that is good (because there does seem to be some pleasant, enjoyable aspects to it).

I honestly thought that was one way relationships happened. I am one of those people who believes anything is possible and I try to always find the hope in any situation, so it didn't seem outrageous to me that a man could learn how to love just from BEING loved. It's also hard not to get my expectations up, because for so long I thought we were together and I could totally see us growing old together, and thats a hard vision to shake, especially when he can be so affectionate.

There ARE other jobs, you know?
84 hours a week? That is killer bad.

PS: I don't know why you want to let some guy play you for a fool?
There IS a self esteem topic on the forum.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by Celera

I haven't even meet him and I kind of want to stab him too. :)

LOL Well, that girl wasnt stabbing him cuz he was being a jerk, but because he was just breaking up with her and she was emotionally attached and didn't want to lose him. Apparently i'm not the only one who thinks this guy is a catch! lol (Back then he didnt have this attitude about love though)

Really, he created a relationship where he gets many benefits including emotional support and social approval (people at work think you're a couple) and physical affection, and he's defined things in a way that for you to express feelings or ask for what you want will allow him to classify you as crazy and needy. And for some reason if things get weird you feel that you are the one who would have to quit.

That is what angers me, that he got his way in every aspect, right under my nose without me even knowing. I thought we were in a relationship from the beginning! I just felt so fooled, it's embarrassing. I don't even think I could tell him this, that would give him such an ego boost that he doesn't deserve.

Changing your feelings while keeping the relationship as is would be pretty tough. I recommend telling him you need some space and want to stick with professional interactions for now. If he wants to know "whyyyyy?" Just stick with " this is what I need and since your my friend I know you will respect that." Rinse and repeat as needed.

Actually, this is exactly the information I got from my spirit guides...I asked for advice from them and within a few hours, I was listening to an interview where this relationship expert was talking to this girl about her problem with this guy which was the SAME situation as this, and he told her to say she wanted space and think about if he is really right for her, etc. and I thought to myself 'Wow this feels like they're talking about my situation, directly to me' and just then the guy said her name and it was MY name!! So I thought 'wow, thank you spirit guides, message received!' lol But I lack the courage to do this (so far, anyway) because I really don't want work to be difficult and that's really my first priority. I feel like I would be the one having to quit only because I'm the female so i'm more emotional and he would have no problem working around me not talking to me because he is the one who doesn't have the feelings, I do.

This is not about being unkind in any spiritual sense. You are not being unloving. It is really more unloving in the long run to stay in a relationship hoping for something you've already been told is not available, and rewarding him for continuing this pattern in relationships. If you cut off the emotional support then maybe he will change or get therapy or something. Your current relationship is not contributing to his spiritual growth or yours, and that's what real love is all about.

Thank you, that made me feel better! I was just concerned that if I stopped everything, that would feel kind of cruel. I mean really, aren't the ones that have problems with love the ones who need it the most?

There are great resources online for meeting people for relationships, casual dates of just making new friends. Try meet up.com and look for activities you can join when you're available without having to be there each week. You have better options than this, really.

Oh i'm not going to be able to date other people, there isn't any time for that with this job. The only reason I see him outside of work is because we're already here, we just have to walk from work to our trailers (where our rooms are). We're in the middle of nowhere in North Dakota, it takes 2 hours to get to the nearest city. And i'm not home long enough to date either, I barely have time to visit my family and friends when I'm home. So I pretty much am limited to guys I work with.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by ellespirit

All excellent posts, I am in a similar situation and the point about it being about me and what needs the non reciprocal partner is meeting in me, is spot on. In a nut shall a classical Clayton's relationship.

I knew there was a reason, I logged in today. Thank you.

Similar situation, you say? I'd love to hear more about it, maybe we can compare notes! lol

I've never heard of Clayton's relationship, what exactly is that?

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by Belle

It never helps the other person by allowing them to behave in such a way and I look back at my past, thinking I was being oh so kind to allow them to walk all over me but no, it served them no great higher purpose.

He isn't really walking all over me though, I mean he doesn't treat me badly. The worst thing he has done is distance himself a little bit, but even that only lasted a week or two, but i'm not even sure i'd call that distance, because it happened after the 3 month mark which is where all relationships change. Every time I casually dated a guy, after 3 months I started to act distant, because thats around the time where you usually either start falling in love or realizing you don't wanna stick around. But this guy got MORE affectionate after he got distant, so it was almost like he pulled back to think about it then decided to stick around.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by Mayflow

There ARE other jobs, you know?
84 hours a week? That is killer bad.

This is my dream job!! I love it more than any other job i've ever had! All the hours is no problem, I am making more money than I've ever made in my life, I no longer feel depressed or stressed (before this I was unemployed for a long time then only able to find minimum wage part time jobs,) I was also living with my mom (at this age, that's extremely depressing), so here I get to live for free, I get free food, i'm away from my old life which was depressing, I have never been happier than I am here! This job saved my life.

PS: I don't know why you want to let some guy play you for a fool?
There IS a self esteem topic on the forum.

I don't have a self esteem problem, I just didn't realize what was happening until it was too late and now i'm in love and emotionally attached. Normally I run fast and far from guys like this but I honestly thought we were a couple for the first 3 or 4 months. And since by then I was already in love with him and attached, it is a lot harder to break free, especially when we work together this much. I can't get over someone i'm with this much, I need a clean break, cold turkey.

I lived as a child in North Dakota and it can be a somewhat desolate place.
Don't regret a moment of it, but sometimes it is helpful to explore the world - whether by physically moving or by dreams or even the internet. This seems what you are doing, to learn and grow.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by Mayflow

I lived as a child in North Dakota and it can be a somewhat desolate place.
Don't regret a moment of it, but sometimes it is helpful to explore the world - whether by physically moving or by dreams or even the internet. This seems what you are doing, to learn and grow.

I have seen a lot of the country, i've been to probably 1/3 of all the states. I wouldn't choose to be here but this job is just too good to leave. I want to visit England too. After I pay off my car and buy and RV I plan on travelling more of the country!

Is this a part of the oil boom up there? If you are enjoying your work and making lots of money at it, you are in a good place. To me, this is cool and life is cool, and life is about being free-spirited. I am convinced that you are a free spirited woman.