Looking for an answer

Originally Posted by BeautifulLife

wow! all I have is a g-string that she sent me in the mail. And it DOESN'T fit nor cover my heart.

Hehe... yes, it is, by far, the most valuable thing I own. I'd give away every other possession I have, to keep it.

Sigh... I'm getting seriously overwhelmed by feelings for her again. I'm finding myself looking at airfares, despite that being a disastrous idea. I need prayers, energy, whatever you all have... her energy, her pull, is too powerful... this is how the mistakes I've made with her always start off feeling.

Originally Posted by WhiteWolfSpirit

Hehe... yes, it is, by far, the most valuable thing I own. I'd give away every other possession I have, to keep it.

Sigh... I'm getting seriously overwhelmed by feelings for her again. I'm finding myself looking at airfares, despite that being a disastrous idea. I need prayers, energy, whatever you all have... her energy, her pull, is too powerful... this is how the mistakes I've made with her always start off feeling.

You never made ANY mistakes. Trust me on that. Imagine if your TF told you the week before you got married that she still had feeling for her and you still went thru with your wedding because she refused to use the words "I still love you". I have a big ol' bag full of "mistakes" but for some reason it played out the way it had to. If it was true love than it will still be true love tomorrow. Still you breath your last breath there will always be hope. Hope never leaves till you give up and I know that isn't going to happen with you. You're 37 right? I turn 37 next month. We're big boys with big hearts. Release that energy into a letter, dont' send it YET, just air out your feelings. You need to contact her even thought she rejected you in the past. Do you even know if she might have unblocked you at this point after her head cleared?

Originally Posted by BeautifulLife

You never made ANY mistakes. Trust me on that. Imagine if your TF told you the week before you got married that she still had feeling for her and you still went thru with your wedding because she refused to use the words "I still love you". I have a big ol' bag full of "mistakes" but for some reason it played out the way it had to. If it was true love than it will still be true love tomorrow. Still you breath your last breath there will always be hope. Hope never leaves till you give up and I know that isn't going to happen with you. You're 37 right? I turn 37 next month. We're big boys with big hearts. Release that energy into a letter, dont' send it YET, just air out your feelings. You need to contact her even thought she rejected you in the past. Do you even know if she might have unblocked you at this point after her head cleared?

Nah, I'm not unblocked, at least in every way that I can easily check. Still blocked on Facebook, Skype, email, that sort of thing.

It is and will always be true love. But as far as hope? I don't know. I've tried to talk to her in every way possible over the years. She insisted she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, get married, and I was fine with that, and lived that role well. Then she just wanted to be best friends. I did that perfectly, and she still left me, blocked me. Twice. Didn't even say goodbye the second time. I still get hammered by feelings for her, and FROM her I think, 24/7. Is that really two-way? I can't believe she'd be able to stay completely cut off, if she was experiencing even close to the same intensity.

Oh, I will write the letter, but again, I've written so many, with so many different tones. It never gets a response, only more blocks. I don't... know what to do.

[L88]

How exactly do you think she'd react if you did just go to her, where she is? Do you think there's a chance she needs that type of grand gesture?

Originally Posted by L88

How exactly do you think she'd react if you did just go to her, where she is? Do you think there's a chance she needs that type of grand gesture?

I literally have no idea. Anywhere between being tackled with a hug, to her screaming and calling the police. Probably leaning toward the latter, unfortunately.

Even when we were together, she sometimes swung wildly back and forth. The night she wrote her long email, and told me to go away, after I'd driven 2,500 miles to see her, a plan made a month ago.... 24 hours prior she had helped me make romantic dinner reservations for the next night. When she left me the second time, online, it was immediately after a 4 hour chat that was ALL good. Then she blocked me, and started telling mutual friends I was "obsessive and scary"... when I had never said a word beyond friendship. She is a runner, in the most extreme sense of the word, and she's really good at fabricating realities in her mind, to support her running to herself.

A trip to New Zealand, from the US, would cost many thousands of dollars that I do NOT have to spare, considering I am about to go back to university. Of course, I would still do it, in a second, if I thought there was any real chance it would accomplish anything. I'd give anything, just to have a good talk with her, to be honest. I don't know what to do.

[Quest]

WWS, you have to ask yourself too whether she is ready to be with you and from the sounds of it, she may not be ready yet. Would you want to expose yourself to an even larger pull when you see her just to be told to go away again? The pain you'd be in then would be even bigger, wouldn't it?
Can't you try to turn your love inward instead of attaching it to her with such intensity? I have managed to do this, and believe me, the pull between my TF and I is huge as well. There is no second that he is not on my mind, yet, I am getting messages that he is not ready to tell me that he loves me, so why would I want to go back to that again? He needs to learn a few lessons himself before even I would be willing to start something up with him, and I can say this from a distance knowing that if I saw him, all bets would be off again. So it's good that he moved away cause otherwise I would not have managed to stay away from him for a few months. He may have known this and that may have been another reason why he moved away, just so he could be on his own and work on himself.
Your TF may not feel worthy of your love, and she would have to work through that to be ready for the relationship, otherwise it would just end the same way that it did last time.

You have to somehow try to find a way to project the love you feel inward instead of outward. I know it's hard to do but you come across very very desperate, and maybe that is why she isn't ready yet either. I know the more desperate and needy I behaved towards my TF in the past, the further he ran. I would do the same if he did that to me now since I have completely changed, and I worship nothing more than my freedom. I would not hesitate for a second to let my TF know that he is coming across as needy in any given situation, just so that he would be aware. And he did the same for me which was hard to take at first but now I'm forever grateful that he made me aware of where my energy was. Just some food for thought. You may have more work to do yourself too before either of you are truly ready to unite. Be honest with yourself. Let it go, work on yourself and try not to attach all of your love onto one person. It's harsh to hear this and it's difficult to do, but believe me, we all have to do the work before we can reunite. If you approach her from a needy perspective, you may just end up in an emotional mess again (and that isn't healthy either cause it shows how dependent you are on her to make you happy, when really, you should be aware of the fact that all you need is yourself, your own love and strength). If you get to that point, then she may be far more willing to unite with you again.
Do you trust in the universe, spirit, whoever you believe in to present this current situation to you for your own ultimate good? It doesn't sound like it, and if you don't, maybe try to allow that trust in too before contacting her again. Honestly, if my TF approached me with your type of energy, I think I'd be running too. It would be too much for me, far too much pressure and it would literally choke me.
I realize this is a blunt response, but who knows, maybe some of it will resonate with you. Wishing you nothing but the best!

Oh, and don't underestimate other people's strengths. She may very well be feeling the same intensity as you but she may have found her own strength inside to deal with those feelings. I have managed to deal with them, at least most of the time, and while I still miss my TF like crazy, I am at peace inside, knowing that everything is as it should be. If he is not feeling ready, I will not speed up the process of us getting back together, no way since I know what an emotional roller coaster it would end in. And I much rather have both of us ready next time we reunite and in the meantime, live in peace and in anticipation of our reunification which I know will happen when the time is right. I trust in that. But I choose not to live in agony and to be eaten up alive by the intensity of my feelings and my longing. This longing is our ego talking, rather than our calm, quiet, meditative higher self, so I say hi to the feeling when it shows up and send it out the back door again lol

I know I sound desperate, at the moment. But if you've followed this thread, and my posts in other threads, you know that I *have* gotten to that place of peace, for the most part. I'm moving on with my life, doing important and good things for myself... and though I may be posting here like this at times, I have NOT been sending her tons of messages, like I did when I was a depressed mess. I'm in control.

However, if you've read, you've also seen that I get these massive surges of emotions sometimes, and they are NOT coming from me. Sometimes it's sadness, and I start crying my eyes out with no warning, and not even knowing why I suddenly feel that way. The same thing sometimes happens with sudden laughter, and really good feelings. And sometimes... sometimes sudden and intense longing for her just comes out of nowhere. I have multiple dreams about her, every single night. There's never a break for me.

When you see the desperate sorts of posts, it's when I'm being overrun with one of the longing bursts. In the past, this is when I'd send her tons and tons of messages. At least I've learned to control that now.

Do I trust the universe to put us together when the time is right? I'm honestly not sure. I think the complete cut-off, and the way she went about it (not saying goodbye even), is not a good thing, and not necessary. I'm completely comfortable just being in casual contact, talking as friends. I've always been able to adapt, to whatever level she wants at the moment. Total cut-off, with no explanation, is very hard to deal with though.

Have u thought about the possibility of you being a multi dimensional being? I have heard the theory that we live in different timelines - in different lives and when we reach a point of spiritual maturity we also begin cleansing the templates of these identities also...we take on their knowledge and experiences - but we also take on their emotions...think about that possibility - I have experienced short snippets of this knowing so I do believe there is some truth to it

[Quest]

But don't you see that this was given to you for the only reasons that it IS hard to deal with? You have managed all the other difficulties, now it's time to deal with this one, and you aren't done yet.
I'm just getting the message that it's too early, but I don't want to stop you either. I have the sense you have more work to do and wanted to let you know. Only you will know what's truly happening inside of you but do try to get these intense feelings of longing under control. Step back when they happen, tap into your stillness and realize this is your ego trying to control you, it's not you (which is why stepping back really helps as an observer rather than identifying with these feelings). Just send it out as quickly as it came to you, letting it go.
I can't tell you how many times my TF used to tell me to let it go, and it drove me nuts cause I didn't WANT to, yes, that was my ego talking to me too. I had to be separated from him to truly understand what it means to let go. And that is not to say we need to let go of the connection, on the contrary, but I do believe that we have to learn to let go of our ego and all of the emotions that come from it. Longing definitely comes straight from the ego. There is no longing on a spiritual level where you just accept what's happening and allow it all in, even her disappearing on you without explanation. I know it doesn't seem fair, but that is also a thought that's coming from the ego, wanting fairness, closure, all of those things that we think we can hang our happiness on. Be happy without all of that, and live in the moment, realizing that you don't need closure at this point. That would be a huge step forward. The more you try to get an explanation or whatever it is you are after, even just a talk, the more elusive it will be. You could be chasing this for the rest of your life, missing the fact that everything you need is already right there in front of you.
oh don't you hate it when you hear this lol I sound like I have all the wisdom, which I don't and I struggle too with this connection, but I actively remind myself of these simple truths, and they do give me peace and stop the endless mind games. I was trapped in them as well and you know what they did to me, they made me feel restless, unhappy, anxious, nervous, etc. I knew I had to change something, so I learned to connect to the calm inside of me, the peace and love that's always there rather than making someone else responsible for my feelings. It is MY responsibility, and mine alone, so when my ego drives me into these emotions now, I am aware of it and stop it before it takes over again. I refuse to let my life be run by my ego. My life and every moment I get to spend here on this planet are too precious for these games that my mind likes to play. I'm alive, right here right now, and I have everything I need, and so do you, believe it or not
I wish I could give you a real hug cause I can sense how much you are struggling right now. Allow it all in, don't resist it, and trust that there is a message for you in all of this which you probably haven't uncovered yet.

The message is that you are sacrificing you - it's as clear as day. Yr statement that u would go to whatever level she wants tells me you have no personal boundaries - this is not unconditional love hun as to give Source Energy to your TF you must first give it to yourself. You are trying to mold yourself into whatever your perception of her perfect man is and along the way are loosing yourself - that is my observation and please take no offense if we are honest and it hits a spot then it is worthwhile - we are not here to judge but to try and help you xox