resentment

I have developed a resentment towards my own husband over diets and weight, and it do not seem to matter if my body is underweight, normal weight or overweight, my resentment seem to stay. I think I feel more and he sees more, but to the point of what he saw I can not say or think of as important.

I know I have to let go of what has happened in the past in order to move on, but seem I have still this resentment.

I know he loves me and by him being the way he use to be it was his own way to try to control his own fear onto me. To me he had too much fear of fat. It would be too much of it. He made comments now and then I did not take seriously, til he one day crossed big time a boundary of mine. I used to be resilient to it before and this no matter my weight which would vary. To me it was at the late part before everything crumbled that he got worse.

There was also a period in our relationship when he thought I was underweight and I did not notice it was like that, and he would try to make me eat more. I did not like that no more then when he would make comments as to make me eat less. The same went if I am normal weight or slightly overweight that he would try various ways to somehow control this. One time I was normal weight and he would still want me to go on the same diet as he was on, and I did so thinking I was overweight. I did not even check. Colleagues wondering why I was on one, I then saw on the scale I was normal weight, while he must have thought I was over weight. I immediately stopped being on it and told him this was the last time I ever would be on one.

I would feel his eyes on me. If and when I ate he would say he could not believe I could eat so much. Lots of things I would shrug off but it got to me over time, especially when noticing how it was used as a weapon to make women in his first family feel inferior (narcissist in that family, and an obsession with looks and weight). It would not matter to me if he himself would loose some or gain some whatsoever, and I could not understand how it could be so important to the point that he was bit by bit invading my integrity and making me feel never as if I was beautiful enough just the way I was. He would be reserved on the compliments but be sure to say something negative or simply silence. Today he gives compliments. Claim on one hand he wanted what he said to me to get through but in another that he was not after to hurt me this way. He claimed he saw no correlation, could not anticipate that his attitude, my insecurities and my resentment, would not want me to share intimacy with him. That I could tell was a big thing to him, mattered, and he would claim no matter what he had always desired me, and that I could not even tell him one time, just one, when he would have ever rejected me, that if any it was the other way around. At the same time he would now and then tell me that "you have to watch it" (my weight), and how afraid, frustrated he would be, over something I could tell was in no real danger.

He himself would be working out much etc, and then suddenly from time to time he would get it in his head to be on a particular diet - even when I could not see why he would be on one. In one way perhaps I had slowed him down, and brought him more back to earth, or else I think he would have gotten even more wrapped up in that world, but in another it's been that I have stood in his way, and he wanted me to be more like him, or perhaps his ex.

Now for some time he has not said, done anything to make me resent him for it or me being prepared to hear something or feel his eyes on me (what I eat or not) or how I look. He too to me took too much concern of what I wore or not, type of clothes. I got sick of it. I already from day 1 of his first comments on my clothes told him to back off as I was old enough and had brain enough to decide what to wear or not. I would notice it either had to do with him not wanting me to risk to show too much skin (too much for his standard) or it had to do with patterns, dots etc when he preferred it to be simple, one colored.

It hurt me as had it been his body I would not have cared about it at all. I would never have made those comments to a partner. I know I have still this wall up and I can't seem to take it down and the wall is resentment.

He has slowed down these days, and apologized many times for him taking it too far in the past. When we met I was underweight but had been even more underweight before and it was not a conscious decision besides that I knew I moved my body in my every day life and ate what I ate that made that happen. I've seen pro and cons in the different weights I have been on but I have not really cared about it. Now as I consciously move my body more I loose weight, but I do so more for health reasons, mental as well, than the "right" look/weight reasons, what it now may be in his eyes.

I hope I can get pass my resentment one day but don't know how to think about it? It seem to blossom up at times, for no reason, but I keep it to myself, don't bother him about it as I honestly do not know what any of us could say about it anymore. I know he is more of a disciplinarian and has been raised in that sort of atmosphere. He would tell me after I had left him once that he had thought, and thought I was right, that he was the one messed up and that he intended to go on his own (therapy), even if he had before told me he did not believe in that.

We know now that he is on the autism spectrum and so him getting wrapped up, wanting to know everything, could come off as not sensitive in one way, but sensitive in another could explain that. I think when he was at his worst he had anxiety, and a way for him to cope was to get on top, to have control, but unfortunately trying to control me while at it. He would always say that he could tell I didn't care, and that then made him push even harder. Compared to his own discipline he has if I look at the bigger picture, over time, been more kind to me, than himself, that is til he wasn't.

Do anyone recognize themselves in my words? How did you get pass your resentment, or did you ever?