Hi guys. Today I feel like I'm in a pickle
There is this man I have known for nearly a decade and I just can't get over him. We had a short intense affair, just like all short affairs may turn intense, many years ago. For years it seemed like the timing was never right. At first it didn't last because the man in question was close friend to an ex boyfriend of mine. Then, over the years, he moved back to his home country, then he came back, I was in a 3 year relationship, he went to travel to another continent but then was back again. However far I have always felt deeply connected to him and experienced all the things many people talk about
: telepathy, precognitive dreams, remote viewing and stuff that I had never experienced before.
Two years ago he told me he had started seeing another woman but was unsure about his own feelings to her and he didn't think he was in love. I was crushed nevertheless, so I broke off contact with him, as I felt that if he was in a relationship, however fragile, there was no point for me sticking around, it was just going to cause some more pain.
Fast forward to yesterday. It was already several weeks, if not months, that the thought of getting in touch was bugging me. Finally, yesterday I gave in, my main aim being knowing if that relationship was still going on. I know, pointless, but please bear with me.
We texted back and forth for a little while. So he is still with that woman, it lasts since two years and half. It wasn't this that shocked me but the attitude I perceived from him, he was sort of amused, cracking up silly jokes (like he said he won't get married brecause marriage is just a "girls thing".) I observed that then at some point he must have realised he was in love with her, to which he responded that he never told me he wasn't. I lastly texted that I miss talking to him but I won't text again as it's not respectful to his girlfriend. To which he responded: "yes, she's a nice girl." Finally he wished me well too and also wished me to keep enjoying the city we both live in (city that I love, while he doesn't so much.)
It's like there is no trace of the sweet person I have known for years, just by the amount of "lol" he used in his responses.
Now, I feel like a wreck. I was not expecting to feel better than this honestly, as moving on from the feelings I have for this person has been one of the hardest things in my life, and I am no spring chicken with no experience in relationships.
In the last few years I have gotten to a great degree of independence I am proud of. I go to travelling alone and enjoy my "me" time. I haven't had any relationship for the last three years.
Really, I don't wish the guy to split up with this woman, as I don't wish anyone to suffer anymore, I truly mean this. After yesterday's convo, the pull to be in contact has gone. I know it's totally nuts to butt in somebody's life after two years asking private questions, but I felt I had to do so.
The problem is that I have put plenty of time and distance between me and him but somehow it feels I only saw him yesterday. This is the way it's always been. I know there is a component of obsession to this feeling of belonging to each other, but I just can't go past it, never mind how much I live, read, write, exercise, laugh, enjoy the company of people I love. I did wish him to be well, still I think it's unfair that I still long deeply for him even long after he has made his choice.
I am stumped when I come across some journal entries of years ago, where I describe my feelings in exactly the same way I describe them now.
I have thought for a while that we may have met each other in a past life and I think he has intuited the same. I have always felt that the feelings were mutual but he just didn't want to be with me. I know I know, if someone wants to be with you they will do anything in order to do so, I know
I just want to feel better. Today I am feeling a sense of failure, as I have tried for years to put this behind my back but with no success. Today the pain is exactly the same as two years ago, or 8 years ago. I am also thinking to talk to a psychic.
I know that life heals itself when you are willing to be healed. Trying, trying and trying, and back to square 1.
Rant over. If you have suggestions please go on. Thanks for reading if you have made it this far
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