In a Rut of Anger and Bitterness

[thepuglife]

I don't think this is just my normal disposition. I can be very sweet and have a bright outlook on life. That is not the case right now though.

Right now I'm angry and tired. My doctor has switched my medications around and my brain is not happy. I'm not happy. And I'm angry with all of the people around me that are. I don't want to be angry with them, it just hurts to see them smiling without me. To see them interacting normally with eachother. I'm tired of being "mentally ill". I'm tired of being tired all the time too.

I know that whatever challenges I'm facing in my life are ones I chose for myself before it started. I know that if I don't work on this lesson now, I'll keep working on it in this and other lives until I've mastered it, dragging out these same pains over hundreds of years if necessary. I know this and yet I still want to hide like a little child and demand that its not fair, that it hurts too much. I think I took on far more than I was ready for, without a solid support system in place. I want to give up but I'm afraid I'll be too ashamed if I quit and its not this body's fault that I wasn't prepared.

I read through previous posts before writing my own, looking for similiar mentions of anger and bitterness and ways to work through them.

I liked a reply written by wolfgaze that quoted Michael Singer's The Untethered Soul. I haven't read that whole book personally (though I do intend to now) but I feel that all the negative stored energy patterns, Samskara, could be playing a part in my inability to find my way out of this terrible rut. I have always had issues with emotional instability and not dealing with them quite right.

I looked into emotional release meditations but I've been having a terribly difficult time meditating sense switching to a new mood stabilizer medication. My mind tends to wander when I'm not busy doing something now, it's even happening that way during yoga. It helps with other things like obsessive skin picking though so I want to stay on it. This has added to my mounting frustration over everything. I'm trying to find ways to fix the problems I see in my life but when I fix one thing, something else breaks and I'm overwelmed.

I'm hoping for suggestions