Nostalgia, Missing the Past

[Sunset Dragon]

At an early age, my life went downhill, and I isolated myself from society. I grew up with many personal problems, and honestly haven't had much of a life since before their time. I'm in my later twenties now. I often live in the past, more so because of a lack of friends and life developments. Life in my past was not perfect, but it holds many strong memories.

Recently, I had a dream of some people who resembled childhood friends. It inspired me to head online and look up people from my past. Oddly enough, I've almost always tried to avoid people from my past, feeling somewhat cold to them, despite having desires to go back. I can tell you now, my reaction to finding almost all of them surprised me.

I started to cry.

Despite my life having so many obstacles, I haven't shed tears in years. I numbed up to so many things and couldn't cry even if I wanted to, and believe me, sometimes I really did want to. I could also understand so much of what I'd go through, able to break it all down and explain it. Today, however, I couldn't explain it.

I saw so many people from my childhood, almost all of which appeared to be connected to each other, yet so different and so distant. I've had some therapy for a few things, and me and my therapist could see many of my problems linking back to my childhood. Even though I knew my past was so far gone, I still appeared to be there in my thoughts and my actions. I was living in so many memories. My therapist wanted me to find ways to remind myself that I was no longer there, that I'm an adult and times have changed. I felt like I knew exactly where I was. But then I saw my old friends...

I guess it was like someone hitting me on the head and waking me up to reality. There are old friends now with children. There are old friends now living on the other side of the planet. There are old friends now deceased. Life has moved on as it should have, but I'm still here, still alone with memories that only I may have retained, still stuck in a times and bonds long gone. Sometimes I'd carry grudges or remember petty things, but I'm alone with those memories. Seeing old friends grown up reminds me more of how they actually looked in the past, and therefore just how young we were. It seriously hurt me, realising just how much time actually has gone by, and just how far away I am from some areas of my life I miss so dearly. Change scares me, and I'm definitely not good with goodbyes, and I still feel like I'm saying goodbye to old memories and old friends for the first time, which doesn't seem right.

I really don't seem to handle nostalgia too well. My life hasn't had enough change, however, to move me forward along with everybody else. It's also tough when you contact people from the past and they have no interest in talking to you, people who you still think about and miss in many ways. These are people I grew up with. I guess some people look back and smile, able to accept it and move forward, but the more time moves me forward, the more I ache at the sight of the past further fading away. I imagined myself twenty years in the future and then pondering over the same memories. Quite frankly, the thought of that rattled me far too much. Perhaps it's good that I have opened up to the people of the past to learn something crucial about myself. I didn't realise just how much it all meant to me, and my eyes are now well aware that what I'm seeing before me now is an entirely different reality.

This is a whole different world now.

Update: By the way, right after I posted this topic, I saw the numbers '123'. It's interesting to me because I know that '1234' means:

'If you are repeatedly seeing ascending number sequences such as 1234, this is a sign from your Spirit Guides that these are progressive thoughts. You will see this sign when thinking about an area of your life that you are concerned about and want to change, or thinking about a particular subject. Seeing this number sequence immediately after these thoughts is a sign that your thoughts are progressive; your life will progress by following these thoughts and you will have your Spirit Guides support in its pursuit.'

[optimusmaximus]

Sometimes you have to look back to move forward. Your sentiments, coupled with the synchronicity of 123 is a good hint at this :)

I'm not a nostalgic person, in the personal sense. It's tough when your friends all seem to be 'progressing' and things in your life remain the same. I know it's that way for me. It's probably even tougher when changes in your life pull you away from the familiarity.

And this coming from a 20 year old, with at least 100 friends, almost 50% or more now married, with children, and some expecting. Their second child. And we're talking 18, 19, 20 year olds here.

Meanwhile I'm just in my job, starting classes in August and letting my own love life rest for now until things become better.

For some of us, change is happening, we just can't see it. The Earth is round, but you can't walk on it and experience that fact firsthand :)

[Lucid68]

Have you ever thought about studying psychology ? even if it is just at a foundation level ? I did and it helped me to see things differently and gave me answers/made me see different perspectives that I wasn't actually looking for when I started the course :)

Good Luck !