Please can anyone help me?

[Saddha Hridaya]

I'm convinced I'm cursed and I believe my grandma is the culprit.
Please read this, I'm sorry if its long, I tried to sum it up the best I could.
It took me a long time to write this because the site doesn't work well on my phone.

A little background...
I'm an orphan, I've basically been homeless since I was 16.
My mother is sill alive but barely. She lost her parental rights when I was 10.
I've been bouncing around all my life.
I'm poor, I do my best to make it in this world.
I'm 24, I live alone in my first apartment and have been here
for 3 months.
Then I felt for the first time in my life I was out of my rut.
Last month I lost my job due to my boss forcing sex on me and his sister was abusive.
Since then I've been looking for another job but have had no luck.
Actually I have the worst luck and its becoming more and more devastating as the years go on.
I truly cannot catch a break I'm Mentally and physically worn thin.
One thing right after the next, every single day.
Last month a very generous lady helped me with my rent, this month she will refuse to help and make me get out of the lease. Being she cosigned for it.
I've been exhausting myself finding a job and stressing so bad that I'm contemplating suicide.
I lived with my grandma for a few years when I was younger. She collected my social security checks and took them straight to the casino.
She never took me to the doctor, she randomly just took my belongings and she was very abusive mentally and physically.
She would leave notes damming me on my bed with a ripped picture of me.
She would say strange things at night to herself and I know she is involved with magic but I'm not sure of what "orient". She would vaguely discuss it.
She was not caring of me in any way, ever. All my life she has been this bully, beating on everyone.
I went through her drawers looking for my belongings that went missing and one drawer was filled with odd things of mine she collected. If she were any other grandma you'd figure she was just keeping some mementos of me but I can assure you this was not her intention.
And the nightmares I'd have of her, they went on for years but have now stopped.
Recently I had a dream that a witch was attacking me, circling my apartment and damaging everything. I went to my phone to call for help but it wouldn't work.
My phone doesn't work in my apartment, about a month ago I collapsed in my bathroom with a fevor, extreme pain and was vomiting. I had no strength, I crawled my way to the lobby and called 911. I felt fine as soon as I was in the ambulance.
I wasn't wearing shoes when they took me so when no one came for me at the hospital I had to walk home in hospital socks.
I got my heart broken by a guy who a day before called me his other half, fell on cement steps right on my tail bone, dropped my phone and shattered the screen, lost my job, was randomly taken off my health plan,knocked my guitar over in my sleep and broke the tuner, now I've discovered today that my clean apartment has bedbugs.
I'm covered in red lumps and scabs, its disgusting and gross to look at.
I'm so overwhelmed by how wrong everything goes every moment despite my best efforts.
I feel like no one is listening to me or hearing me, I've been up and down every road of resources.
I just don't know what to do.
I used to be a firm believer in the laws of attraction until years of the complete opposite coming from being positive minded.
Its gotten to the point where I'm afraid to make any moves at all because I know it's never going to work out.
I'm not a naturally pessimistic person, but I mean I can only stay so strong for so long.
Any wins I have are short lived and replaced with an almost comical unfortunate event.
If it wasn't so detrimental to me I would laugh about it because no one is THIS unlucky.
I'm barely hanging on by a thread, people.
I'm reaching out to strangers because I don't know what else to do.
I need help because I don't know how much more I can take.
Anyone? Please?

[Gem]

It sounds like a real rough trot, and there's nothing I can do about it, but things can pile up and make life very difficult. If you contemplate suicide there are 'hotlines' you can phone, which is worth doing, as life is precious, anyone's life is, though it can seem unbearable during the worst of times. No matter what, just live as destiny calls.

I don't what 'resources' you mean, but when you can consider what options of help are available to you, go to one of those, such as a social worker, who are usually free of charge, and if those people know their game, they will talk to you to find out what help and support you need, and make even more options available. It helps get you back in the driver's seat, so you can decide which way you need to go, and have some support along the way. For example, perhaps you could benefit from someone helping you with your resume, maybe interview skills, like, I'm just citing examples. It's very hard to get along on ones own. Without good family supports life is tough, and from what you say I assume you do not have that, and I think you would do well to find support in other ways.

[Zoclora]

I am sorry to hear what is happening to you. :( I would first sugest, though might be hard, to first stop what your doing and take in deep breaths. I had a co-worker who was about to loose every thing, his job, wife, kids, home, car etc if he didn't come up with the money basicly by the end of the day. He was so scared, worried, tired, that he broke down crying and basicly lost it. The first thing I did was take him to a quite place that we could talk in peace. I told him to sit down and try to take deep breaths and calm his self. It wasn't easy for him to with so much he was about to loose. I told him then that he then needs to stop crunching every thing into one blob. By doing so, it makes it seem endless and puts a grate amount of stress on you. I then told him to focus on one thing at a time. I said to him "I know it is hard to do. But by focusing on one thing at a time, you put more your self, energy and thought into the matter then try to spread your self thin." Next I asked him, what was more of the imedet thing and he said his house. So I told him to first take care of that. He would say work but at the time we also had a....very unfair boss. Not a good one at that. So he couldn't do much about it. But I gave him 70 dallers to help him get to his wife that was at the dillership that was two hours away and help him pay for some of his rent. And from there I told him he then needs to work on the car and pay on it. (He didn't have the money for both) and after those are ok, he then can focus on his wife and kids. The next day he came crying because he was so happy. He couldn't thank me enough for the help. But what counts is that him and his family are ok now.

So try and take a moment to breath and step back. Observe your situation out and analyse it. Deturmen what is more of the imedeat challenge in your life. After you get that down I would sugest to cleans your home from head to toe. If it is a curse, there are ways to brake them. Depending on what type it is and the severity of it. I know you don't have money for a professional but there is some things you can do by your self. And who knows, might do the trick. Some cureses can only be broken by the person who is curesed sorta like if you had a attached spirit on you. But one good things is to shield your self with protection and meditate before bed, try to clear your mind, ground your self, play some calm music and calm your body and mind. Some cureses feed off of emotion for its power, the more fear you have or anger, the harder it is for you to not only function but to live. So if you try to calm your self before bed and ground your self, you might find a bit of peace. I would also sugest a prayer of sorts. I don't know your personal belief, but a prayer in any belief is just as strong as any as long as you have the faith and the trust put into it. I would sugest journaling it down. Start a journal of these dreams and events. When you do this not only is the built up feelings are able to release, but you have a sorse to go back to look for any paterns that might be useful to you and it is also a good way to help start healing you.
You know I had a problem with a friend I saw as a brother. I knew him for years and never thought any harm would come to me from him. But one week, for the intire week I suffered nightmears of me being shot. It got so bad, I lost so much sleep and couldn't sleep. It felt like a curse on me. But one day as I cried on my bed, my Journal that I was keeping up flew across the room to me. I had a feeling to read it so I did. I then saw it was my own friends negative energy that was not just sucking the life from me but gave me the nightmears.

So journaling is a grate key in many things spiritually and not. So I do recamend you start one. Write about every thing and any thing. I then would sugest to find a social worker of sorts that has been stated above. I think that would help you get help in many of the areas in your life like home, work etc. The last thing I can say right now about this is just try and relax as much as you can. If there is a will, there is away. Where there is a curse, there is a cure. Where darkness seem endless there is always light. You need to have faith in your self and what ever belief you have. You can gain strength in doing so. Find that inner light that we all have and use it.

No matter how bleak your life may seem, know that what you give out will come in. One of the important rules that I have learned and that is The Law Of Attraction. No matter how hopeless you may feel, how unloved you may feel, know that it's all fals and untrue. You have to power to change, you just need to dig within and grab it. :) I do hope you find some usfule things what I have said. And if you need a person to talk to I am here.

[Jenny Crow]

I think you've been given some excellent advice by Zoclora and Gem, about the only thing I can add is to cleanse your apartment and yourself before you start the work of sorting out your life and moving forward.

If you need some help with cleansing methods let me know

[Saddha Hridaya]

Yes cleansing methods would be much appreciated. I own sage and burn it sometimes. But now I don't have a lighter because I used all the fluid in it to burn bedbugs.

I do journal. Writing is probably my favorite pastime and music is a big obsession. It's not really all that helpful in the heart of destruction. I do these things out of joy when the panic subsides.

I contacted a social worker, I have a therapist, when I reach out to people they just tell me that I indeed cannot catch a break and deserve one but unfortunately I have little resources.
I receive food and medical assistance. That Is what I apply for. This is what the government can offer me.

I have just discovered today something else to add to the list of complications but I'm too embarrassed to say. It threatens the one thing in my life that makes me happy. I see this one thing slipping away from me. This one thing is such a big deal. Such a big deal. It is my entire heart and if it goes, I'll just absolutely lose it. I will. Everything that makes me happy is taken away. But PLEASE not this thing.

I really just don't understand what more I can do to help myself. I try everything.

I don't know how to just tell myself not to be affected. Nothing can calm me down.
I try, I really do. I'm just growing more weak and I'm losing faith.

I can only be so persistent and so strong for so long. This has been such a cruel life and I've heard so many times from different people that they'd never met anyone with such hardships. They say they wouldn't have pulled through if it were them. How can I tell myself it could be worse? It's that kind of positive attitude that honestly seems to attract things actually getting worse.

I'm afraid to make any moves at all now because no matter what I do, I fail. From important talks to just small tasks. Like cups of coffee seemingly getting whacked out of my hands??getting pushed, tripped, things of that nature. I'm so afraid. I don't know how to change my emotions into something they're not. I don't know how to just decide to be strong anymore. I don't know how to be calm or ya know anything but extremely sad and petrified.

I pray everyday. I beg and plead into thin air for help, to please make it stop. I sit silently and ask my spirit guides to come through. I hear nothing. So I go to the mirror and I tell myself to just hold on, you're going to be okay. That usually just makes me cry even harder.

I now consider any kind of phenomenon that brought me to a spiritual awakening to be considered insanity.

When I did have the money, I went to a metaphysics store that's near by. I've been familiar with the store for a few years and they treat me as if they are trying to get me to leave right away. They never have anything that I'm looking for.

I honestly doubt anyone can provide me with any advice that I haven't already tried :(
This is why I'm so distraught, contemplating suicide and putting my dirty laundry out there for anyone to see. I'm so desperate.

I hate this :(

[Gem]

Originally Posted by Saddha Hridaya

Yes cleansing methods would be much appreciated. I own sage and burn it sometimes. But now I don't have a lighter because I used all the fluid in it to burn bedbugs.

I do journal. Writing is probably my favorite pastime and music is a big obsession. It's not really all that helpful in the heart of destruction. I do these things out of joy when the panic subsides.

I contacted a social worker, I have a therapist, when I reach out to people they just tell me that I indeed cannot catch a break and deserve one but unfortunately I have little resources.
I receive food and medical assistance. That Is what I apply for. This is what the government can offer me.

I have just discovered today something else to add to the list of complications but I'm too embarrassed to say. It threatens the one thing in my life that makes me happy. I see this one thing slipping away from me. This one thing is such a big deal. Such a big deal. It is my entire heart and if it goes, I'll just absolutely lose it. I will. Everything that makes me happy is taken away. But PLEASE not this thing.

I really just don't understand what more I can do to help myself. I try everything.

I don't know how to just tell myself not to be affected. Nothing can calm me down.
I try, I really do. I'm just growing more weak and I'm losing faith.

I can only be so persistent and so strong for so long. This has been such a cruel life and I've heard so many times from different people that they'd never met anyone with such hardships. They say they wouldn't have pulled through if it were them. How can I tell myself it could be worse? It's that kind of positive attitude that honestly seems to attract things actually getting worse.

I'm afraid to make any moves at all now because no matter what I do, I fail. From important talks to just small tasks. Like cups of coffee seemingly getting whacked out of my hands??getting pushed, tripped, things of that nature. I'm so afraid. I don't know how to change my emotions into something they're not. I don't know how to just decide to be strong anymore. I don't know how to be calm or ya know anything but extremely sad and petrified.

I pray everyday. I beg and plead into thin air for help, to please make it stop. I sit silently and ask my spirit guides to come through. I hear nothing. So I go to the mirror and I tell myself to just hold on, you're going to be okay. That usually just makes me cry even harder.

I now consider any kind of phenomenon that brought me to a spiritual awakening to be considered insanity.

When I did have the money, I went to a metaphysics store that's near by. I've been familiar with the store for a few years and they treat me as if they are trying to get me to leave right away. They never have anything that I'm looking for.

I honestly doubt anyone can provide me with any advice that I haven't already tried :(
This is why I'm so distraught, contemplating suicide and putting my dirty laundry out there for anyone to see. I'm so desperate.

I hate this :(

Please don't take it as advice, because I don't want to influence anyone or set some standard which a person may feel inadequate about. Contrarily, I attempt to give you the power to assess for yourself what you need, and then to think of what options are available, and supports you can draw on.

Journaling is good, ad I don't know if that's part of therapy, but it is possible your therapist could have some tips and suggestions on that. If you can at some time contemplate what you really need, then your social worker should be able to assist in providing some options. It isn't advice. It is all about making choices available which you can decide on. You survived thus far through all nature of adversity, so there is strength there in you to draw on. As Henley put it:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

[Rozie]

Everybody had good suggestions.

I find that a physical cleansing is more effective then Sage, or at least it is as important. Clean everything and throw away stuff you don't need. Cleaning with soap and water is cleaning the energy. Throwing stuff away that you don't need is throwing away that old and useless clutter. Cleaning your real house is symbolic for cleaning your spiritual house, which is your structure. Making your surroundings cheerful is a way to brighten the energy.

You probably did a recent cleaning because of the bedbugs. It is possible that was a way to get you to motivated to do a very thorough job.

You do have help, but as you say, your guides won't answer. They often seem to 'go away' when you are being tested. They are helping but it feels like you are all alone.

Asking for help publicly like you did is a really good technique. You outlined all of your complaints. You are asking on a public forum where other eyes can see. Energetically, that is a very effective technique for getting 'spiritual' help. They see it to and say ' Oh, S.H. isn't happy. We were not aware of that since we were on vacation in Hawaii. We better take a look-see.' That is kind of a joke but they really are like that, at least mine are. They are always here but they pretend go look the other way in times of crisis. That is because it is our job to live through it and fight our own battles. This is common as I have heard others make similar claims.

If you make a statement like 'it could be worse'. That is a negative statement that attracts negative attention because the word that is heard is 'worse'. Statements should be made in a positive way. These are suggestions to the universe. You would say 'things are getting better'.. Even if you don't believe it, it is a 'suggestion'...

My guides say 'Every day is a new day'. That is true. The energy of one day can be bad and it will not budge until you go to sleep and wake up the next day. In the morning things feel different. It's a new day, and the energy is different. I have had cycles of one good day, one bad day, and it can a very reliable cycle. I am just making that suggestion as an option. I know that you don't have control over this but the universe is reading this thread and they are considering how to work within the guidelines and limitations of your 'curse'.....

I do practice magic, and I use a lot of techniques, but these are little things that anybody can do. They might seem minor, or even silly but they are not.

[sea-dove]

Im going to send you a ***hugz***

I understand that you are probably feeling desperate as you've probably worked with your social worker and counsellor and in a situation where they are unable to help you more.
...

If you dont have a lighter and want to light something what I do when I didnt have lighter or matches is I used my toaster and some paper to light and then used that to light and then used that

Though a house cleaning only gets one so far with things like this Ive found.
....

There is probably some good spells around to help bring in more positivity in life but as I dont do any spell work at all after one badly backfired on me I dont have one to offer. I hope someone can do seeing you have posted in this forum.

[1Eris]

Hi there.

I don't really practice anymore but if you truly believe that your grandmother cursed you (she was definitely abusive) sit quietly and try this exercise.

Firstly, imagine that drawer she had full of your things. Clearly hold an image in your head of everything of yours that went missing. I want you to see each item one at a time in no particular order, in her house. See a thread linking it to you. Get some imaginary scissors or a flame and cut/light the thread to sever her connection to you.

Secondly walk around her home in your head and cut any threads of any items you see connecting you to that place.

Thirdly, see yourself walking away from the house and again, cutting or burning the thread that connected you to it.

If you feel that works for you you can do the same over and over again until you believe she has no control and no links to you.

You sound incredibly strong. Forgive yourself, love yourself, carry yourself well and tell yourself you deserve a job. It's hard to understand my saying stop trying so hard and instead tell yourself that you deserve a job but please try it (I'm a psych grad and this is a mix of affirmation and neuro linguistic programming, sometimes called brain plasticity).

When you greet prospective employers with a handshake, whilst exchanging greetings, look them in the eye and mentally tell them 'you're going to give me this job'. Repeat a few times in any interview and again at the end of the interview. I promise this has worked for me.

[Rozie]

@1Eris...Good advice!!!